What if Kanye West was a Sex Therapist?

Listen, you know, I appreciate this opportunity I have to assist you with this situation you’re in. I understand, you know, that you got this need to fuck pumpkins. We all got our thing, you know. We all do. Like, I think about how I never fucked a pumpkin, because I don’t need that. I don’t need that. I’m out there fucking anything, you know. Like, if I wanted to have sex with any kind of squash at all, I could. I can do that. Yeah.

See, you’re just in a field fucking a pumpkin, right? Like, that’s…I’m not gonna disrespect you, you know, but you’re retarded. I’m here to help you, right? But you’re retarded. Like, I could fuck a champion pumpkin. Like a pumpkin that cost $1,000,000. You fuck field pumpkins, you know? But, like, you came to me for help and I respect that. I appreciate that.

Listen, you know, I been through a lot. I’m rich. That’s not easy, you know. I got fame, I got money, I got, like, houses. I got these sunglasses and the sun isn’t even out. Do you even know how hard that is? I can’t even see your pumpkin fucking ass in here.

For me, helping you stop fucking pumpkins isn’t about, like, you. Some people, you know, they wanna tear you down. They wait till you’re big and they wanna tear you down. They wanna be like “Kanye can’t fuck a pumpkin.” And like, that’s not how I was raised, you know? I can fuck a pumpkin. I choose not to, you know? I could fuck all pumpkins. I could take your pumpkin tomorrow and give it the best fuck it ever had. The best ever. I don’t wanna take nothing away from you, but I would give that pumpkin the best fuck ever. You know, you could go back to it afterwards, I’m not trying to take anything away from you, I’m not. But I would give that pumpkin the best fuck ever.

The gauntlet has been tossed, Flava Flav. Can you look stupider than this?

I need you to relax, you know? What I do is amazing. No one ever wants to fuck pumpkins after seeing me, you know? I work this like…man, you know Freud? Jung? Dr. Phil? I know they had their thing, you know, but this is like Kanye. This is me. Million dollar pumpkins, you know? I could fuck like three at once. Every time I do this, I make the world better. Every time. I could fuck a pumpkin today and tomorrow, no one is hungry. No one. Not Africans, not anorexics, no one. I fuck a pumpkin and crackheads get fat, do you understand that? Doesn’t even make sense.

Listen, you know, other people, they come in here and they look at you, and they smell pumpkin guts on your dick and they break out like…flash cards or whatever. Other people suck. I just have to tell it like it is, you know? I don’t mean any disrespect, I’m gonna let them do their thing, but they suck. They fucking suck so bad Hitler would spit. When I do this, it’s like… Ok, let me put this another way. Has a pumpkin ever fucked you? A pumpkin would fuck me. And then it would go to the patch and be all “Guys, I just fucked Kanye” and the other pumpkins would beat him. They would hit that pumpkin with rocks and sticks because it’s a liar, you know? No pumpkin ever fucks Kanye. I fuck pumpkins. Except I don’t.

When you look back at all that I’ve done, at the way I’m a part of your heart and your mind. I’m basically the soul of you, and really, pumpkins the world over. I can’t honestly believe anyone would fuck a pumpkin if not for me. And no one would get cured from it if not for me, you know? And people think that’s arrogant, but how is truth arrogant, you know? How is me being me arrogant? It’s like, if I were digging ditches and just stopped, because I’m so rich, some people would call that arrogant. But in the end, isn’t there a ditch? And didn’t you fuck a pumpkin in it?

Damn. Can't fap with these paws on.

When I speak, it’s just the truth. You know, I don’t need to lie. Like, if I were a liar, I’d make up some crazy bullshit. I’d say something like “I fucked a pumpkin” or whatever. It’d be retarded. Like you. And I mean no disrespect, you know. I don’t lie. So I’m like a medium for truth. I’m like an entity through which the virtue of the universe flows. And people don’t get that. They look at me and don’t see that I’m so far beyond, like, mortality. And honestly, it’s because they’re racist. I’m not going to sugar coat it. Why would I? I’m not here to impress anyone, they’re already impressed.

Listen, our time’s almost up but I think we did a lot of good work today. Really though what you need to take away from this, you know, is that you gotta stop fucking pumpkins. Or not. It doesn’t matter to me, I’ll keep doing my thing. I’ll keep fucking pumpkins and doing it better than you. I don’t even know why you try. I had this one guy in here yesterday could only get a boner when someone stepped on his balls and like, I took that. Now I can only get a boner when someone steps on my balls. You see? I don’t even know why you try, you know? I don’t even know.