5 Movie Plans That Weren't Such a Great Idea

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Movieheader DD 2-23-2011
Movies are awesome; I don’t care if it’s deep and many-layered like Inception, or completely retarded (like the Star Wars prequels) I love movies. As a result, I spend way, way (way) too much time thinking about them. This has the unfortunate side effect of ruining some of my favorite...

4 Alternative Uses For Starbucks’ New Trenta-Sized Cup

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Starbucks-Trenta LP 1-19-11
Coffee makes my heart want to explode. I still drink it, but in small, controlled doses that give my heart ample time to defuse each tiny bomb of caffeine that graces its presence before the next bomb arrives. This problem is magnified when I drink a Starbucks coffee. I will occasionally feel...

4 Entertainment Devices That Will Make Your Ass Fatter

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wall-e-fat-people-in-chairs DD 2-17-11
One could easily argue that technology exists for the sole purpose of making our lives easier. Inventing weapons made it easier to kill the monsters that inhabited our prehistoric world, making it easier to not die. Inventing better weapons made it easier to live in fear than before, because...

A Breakdown of the Ingredients in Coca Cola’s Secret Recipe

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coke-cans LP 2-15-11
It has been a long held secret, but the truth may finally be out: the secret recipe Coca Cola used to make Coke. For 125 years, Coke’s recipe has been one of the most closely guarded secreted in the trade, but it only took reporters from NPR’s This American Life a few...

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Snow In All 50 States: An Open Letter To Florida

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ED. NOTE: This article was originally written nearly a year ago, but it seems it's just as relevant today. Hey, Florida! Yeah, I’m talking to you! The state that I’m currently living in! You suck! First, it was with the 2000 presidential election, now it’s with...

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The First Week of January: A Very Short Short Story

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dead-xmas-trees
He unloaded the dump truck’s contents on to a growing pile of trash already a few feet tall. Hanging thick in the thin winter air was the stench of countless half eaten meals, dead rodents, dirty diapers of both the very young and decrepitly old, and countless other things that give off smells...

Let's Terrify Small Children For Christmas

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my-kid-loves-santa-claus
You know what? Other countries have way more fun on Christmas. Seriously. The Japanese dress up like trees and scare small children, the Europeans have Krampus who accompanies Santa and eats bad children and just spanks the naughty ones, and we've got the occasional lump of coal. You know...

Matrix-Style Brain Downloads Of Knowledge Are Almost A Real Thing

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DD kungfu 12-13-2011
Scientists have finally started working on some cool advances in brain-magic. Sure, I have recently written about robots that control your limbs and DARPA's new mind control helmets, but this is... okay, more of the same, kind of.  This one, however, is about learning things with the same effort...

Dear Fundamentalists: Stop Being So Butthurt

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whining-baby
We want to take a moment here to sort out "fundamentalists" from "Christians". Christians are people who believe you should be nice to everybody and respect their decisions, even if they don't personally approve of them. Most of America is, technically, Christian, but if you're not Christian, they...

FYI: Ice Cube Appreciates Good Architecture

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  As a big N.W.A., and a fan of Ice Cube as well, I am shocked - SHOCKED! -- to discover that Ice Cube didn't only attended the school of hard knocks. He also attended the Phoenix Institute of Technology in 1987 and studied architectural drafting. Ice Cube, the man that once opined on the...

Graduate School: An FAQ For Morons

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Picture041
I write this the day before I take my capstone examination for my master's degree in film. This will be the culmination of five years and roughly a Lexus' worth of money to obtain a graduate degree. Five long years of toil, working on student productions, working temp jobs, eating Ramen, and...

Only The Smartest Chimps Throw Their Poop

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chimpanzee-picture
We all rightfully view throwing your own poop as disgusting, primitive behavior. If a guy on the bus cops a squat in to his own hand and flings the resulting brown mess at someone you will be outraged and, in the heat of the moment, perhaps between those rare moments when you don’t have an...

A List of Suggestions for DARPA's Mind Control Technology

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DD MindControl 11-29-2011
The wizards at DARPA announced they will be funding a project an Arizona professor has been working on for years now; it's a device that uses ultrasound to control minds, and is already small enough to fit in a helmet.  Now, this doesn't mean they will be controlling soldiers like drones (yet),...

Patrice O’Neal Dead At 41

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patriceoneal
Damn it. Damnitdamnitdamn. Well, it seems that we’ve lost yet another terrifically funny stand-up comedian. After suffering a stroke this past October, Patrice O’Neal died last night. For those that don’t know of Patrice’s work, he was, and always will be, one of those comedians...

Mortal Man to Marry Anne Hathaway, Suddenly Rise to God-Like Status

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anne-hathaway-mark-hom
We could be balanced and objective, but why bother? Anne Hathway is a goddess. She's talented, she's funny, and she's bangable by any standard. Even gay men want her in the sack once so she'll be their best friend after they have that awkward conversation about how they were both drunk and it was...

Suck it, PETA: Top 10 Reasons to Eat Turkey

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DD PETA 21-11-2011
PETA has a list on their website entitled "Top ten reasons not to eat turkey." I am not linking it here, because PETA gets enough traffic as it is. Now, I am much like my fellow Funnycrave writer Dan Seitz in that I am pretty leftward leaning in my political beliefs, and I also agree that most of...

Thanksgiving: A Guide to Surviving Your Family

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Children drinking
In two days, Americans will come together and break bread as a family because we're expected to, even though we don't really like these people most of the time and some of them may owe us money. This is why this Thanksgiving, I'm staying home, watching MST3K, and getting wasted, not necessarily in...