6 Fun Ways to Fight StrangersBy Ian Fortey
You may not know this, but the world hates you. And by you, I really mean you, reading this right now. Not “you” like everyone, like as if I said “You can’t masturbate on the bus without unwelcome consequences” or whatever in which I’d be using you to mean all of us, like the French “vous” which you should know nothing about because who speaks French? To further clarify, I don’t mean me when I say you. People really love me, except for girls at bus stops. The world doesn’t hate me though. if anything, it wants to do me.
That aside, the world hating you as it does, it wants to put a hurt on you. It is out to get you all the time. Have you ever had dysentery? Of course you have, because the world hates you and your colon. The world was all “Poop, I demand it!” and then you had watery squits for like a week. If you live in a 3rd world country, you may have even died. You could be dead right now. My condolences.
Sometimes the world can’t get the job done on its own so it sends minions to teach you a lesson. These minions are often douchebags or Ginos or crazy drunks or what have you. The unpredictable element of the world. The people who sit next to you on the bus and then try to bite your face. The kind of people who say “what you looking at?” and you’re forced to wonder the same thing because you don’t remember looking at anything.
Basically what I’m saying here is that at some point, you’re going to get into a fight. You may have thought that kind of crap ended when you were 10, but you thought wrong. Movies teach us, if nothing else, that fights can break out as easily as choreographed dance routines and you must be prepared. Do you know how to fight? Do you? Please open a Word document and type your answer immediately.
You lied, you do not know how to fight. Or if you said you didn’t, you should be ashamed. I shame you. You are shameful. But don’t fret. I can help.
If you think you can fight all fights the same way, you are destined to fail, and most splendidly at that. You can’t just start slapping all willy nilly and hope one of your long, slender fingers detaches your opponents’ retinas thus saving the day for you. That’s silly ass at best. You need to know the proper technique for every situation, so I invite you to open your pocket notebook and jot what I am about to say down. If you think you could just print this page on your printer instead then you are both saucy and lazy and should just leave the internet now and never come back.
Shin Kicking the Elderly – The elderly only appear sweet and innocent in retirement commercials and from a reasonable distance. In real life, many old men have hair in places that usually only apes do and old ladies seem to apply lipstick to their teeth before their lips. Worse yet, once you hit the age of 60, you have a 70% chance to start sweating vinegar and get a bug up your ass about everything you see and hear in a day. In a nutshell, old people are creepy and unpredictable. You can’t have any idea what will set off a geriatric. Are you wearing green on a Wednesday? Mildred may take offense and try to beat you with her cane. So are you going to run away or suplex her?
In point of fact, you should neither run away from Mildred nor suplex her as running away is weak and suplexing her will break her like a breadstick and you will be hardpressed to justify why you suplexed an 80 year old woman. Instead, kick her decrepit shins. Old people are notoriously unsteady so if you need to mix it up with one, take out their support system. This is why old people have canes and walkers, as they are aware that they could plummet face first to the Earth at any moment. If they want to have a piece of you, it’s your right to exploit that weakness. As an added bonus, any bruising will appear to be a natural by-product of their unsteady ways. You can’t lose this fight, but you must be wary. Years of being so goddamn old have left them with nails like eagle talons. One of those gnarly, yellowed beasts could very well cut you to the bone.
Pushing Children – This follows a similar theme as the above lesson. Children, like the elderly, are bumblers. Have you ever seen a baby try to run? Of course not, they crawl. If they tried to run you would shit yourself laughing at their inability to do such a thing. Babies are like very small old people and not just because they are incontinent. But I’m not suggesting you fight a baby, as that would be idiotic. Instead, give the baby a prune or whatever it is children these days love and that will resolve any animosity between the two of you. Why are you angry at a baby, anyway? Maybe you need therapy. Maybe I should be telling the baby how to fight you.
Anyway, a 12 year old is a whole different matter. Some 12 year olds may try to sass you, and that’s not to be tolerated. Of course, you can hardly stand for being emasculated by someone who doesn’t even have armpit hair now can you? Of course not, that’s why it’s OK for militant lesbians to shine you on, but not swimmers. All in the pit hair. Thus, if a child is actually trying to assault you, you may have to take action. To be sure, fighting a child may seem like a comically easy task, but if Home Alone taught us nothing else it’s that a child may try to kill you with a paint can at any moment. Therefore, be prepared with open handed pushing. A child’s face should fit nicely in the palm of your hand, making them something like a softball with a body attached for you to bandy about. Holding the face firmly in your hand, simply push off. The child will fly like a cantaloupe in a duffel bag.
Juke with Drunks/the Insane – Do you spend a lot of time downtown or under bridges? You may be a troll. And even if you are, you still need to deal with drunkards, hobos and transients of an unpredictable nature. How do you fight off a man who’s wearing poop encrusted army fatigues and a winter cap in July? What do you do with a drunkard who may shower you with vomit at any moment? Be fast!
The key to crushing any unstable character is to be like the wind. Bob and weave, jab and flutter. If you dance like an ice capade you will disorient for the win. Drunkards can’t handle fast movement which is why few drunks have any place in Nascar although the number of drunkard fans presents something of a paradox that I can’t get into now.
Ideally, you want to continually move in a counter clockwise direction around the drunk or lunatic such that they’re constantly trying to keep up with you. By the time they fall down in a bruised heap they’ll think it happened because they were chasing their own tail, which is doubly hilarious because people don’t even have tails!
Fight Dirty Against Ninjas – 9 times out of 10, the guy fighting you is probably an enraged accountant who just can’t take the horror that his life has become and secretly knows you’ll whip him silly but has a desire for the pain just so he can finally feel something other than soul crushing loneliness and despair. Next time you see an accountant, punch his face. Even if he seems angry, inside he’s thanking you.
However, every so often, the guy who wants to break you isn’t a wuss bag, he’s a certifiable ass kicking machine and you are just one more ass on the production line of his mayhemery, which is really a word even if you can’t find it in any dictionary. He may be a huge, steroid case or a sly, Jet Li style badass. He may be Chuck Norris himself. All you need to know is that you can’t win the fight. You just can’t. You’re going to bleed and cry and maybe shit blood. Your blood. From in your ass.
The only chance you have in a battle like this is underhandedness. You can’t talk your way out, because talking your way out of fights only works in after school specials. You can’t run, because it’s likely the person you’re fighting can run up walls and fly and shit so if you run you’re only adding your own momentum to your inevitable downfall at the hands of a fierce roundhouse kick. You certainly can’t stand your ground, because that’s what punching bags do and look how successful they are at fights. No, your only chance is something very crafty and unexpected. For instance, can you breathe fire? If so, now would be a good time. Do you have a lead plate in your head or abdomen? Keep it exposed for the flurry of punches that will inevitably be coming your way.
Wrestle Girls – If you have ever seen a porno, and you have because you have a computer with internet access, then you know what happens when two girls fight. The hair pulling and cussing leads to warm embraces and strap on dildos. And what is true in porno is true at grandma’s house. And it’s true in your life as well. So if you’re ever confronted by an angry woman, you have a couple of options. You could fight back, but odds are that’s going to work out poorly for you for any number of reasons. If she kicks your ass, then you’re forever the guy whose ass was kicked by a girl. If you win, then you’re the guy who fought a girl. You’re a dickhead.
You’re only true option is to engage in a wrestling match. Stay close to the body and grapple, try submission holds and before you know it, coitus. Is this sexist and offensive, possibly even misogynistic? Yes and no. Yes because it is, no because I refuse to acknowledge it.
Be Ingenious Against Yourself – When not confronted by the elderly, children, womenfolk or people who can beat you silly, the rest of the world is made up of guys not unlike you. They may be fatter or slimmer or less funny because they don’t have an online comedy website that no one reads, but they’re basically the same guy in cooler clothes. So if you’re confronted with yourself, how can you win? Whatever moves you have, your doppleganger also has. This is an age old problem witnessed time and again in video games and sci fi films and probably in a few insane asylums.
The key to beating yourself is to think like someone else. Be someone else. Do you get up and go to work every morning at the same time? You will lose a fight to yourself because other you knows that. Do you like to eat peanuts? Other you will shove peanuts down your neck hole after he rips your head off, you predictable fool. My God, do you even want to win this fight? Stop being a child.
If you want to win in a fight against Joe Anybody, you need to think like a stevedore or a haberdasher or anything that you aren’t already. Are you a haberdashing stevedore? You’re doomed and no online comedy article can even hope to help you.
This is all the advice I have to give you in order to win a battle against a random stranger. I wish you luck, brave soldier.