The Technological Evolution of Sex

The future is coming so fast that by the time it gets here it’ll be the present and when you notice it, it’ll be the past.  That’s insane.  But even more insane will be the decrepit, yesterday’s news way in which you have sex when everyone else is all over these kick ass futuristic ways to get off.  So study up, it’s important.

Teledildonics

Don't worry, I'm a nerd

What is it?

Any time your sexual innovation requires the creation of a new word you know you’re on to something magical.  Such is the case with teledildonics, technology that allows for remote communication and sex toys to finally merge in one squishy, unsanitary package.  In a nutshell, the idea is to take p2p technology and finally make it worthwhile.  Why bother file sharing or chatting over an instant messenger with your friend in Dubai when you can press the backspace button and rear-end them with some kind of mechanized dong that they have attached to their PC?

How’s it work?

HighJoy.com offers users the chance to plug in their personal massager to a USB port and install the HighJoy Widget, an application that can be used on damn near any social networking or dating site that lets people open a window and take control of your massager.  Finally, strangers on Facebook can make something in your ass vibrate.

With the widget in place, people are free to stumble upon your profile on, say, eHarmony.com and rather than waste time seeing if you’re compatible across 31 flavors or whatever it is eHarmony does, they can just click open the application and buzz your crotch from across the country, which is really how dating is done best.

Sinulator takes the HighJoy concept to the next level of awesome by allowing you to free yourself from the confines of your fluid-laden desk chair with the use of a wireless device.  You hook your transmitter up to the USB port and have your toy linked to a receiver, then you give your debauched battery-operated buddy its own user profile online, something classy like NubRubber69 or The_Chasm_Gasm and anyone who knows your toy’s name can log in and control it while you go about making dinner or doing your taxes.

A company called Segment created a system for use by couples featuring a sheath for men and a snazzy robo shaft for the ladies.  Sensors in the shaft transmit signals to the piece worn by the dude, so whatever your lady friend does will be felt by you.  Likely this will turn out poorly if the dog ever gets ahold of it or just create a new niche market in parts of Europe and the deep south.

Future Prospects

Real Touch is one of the few sex toys on the market that was designed by a NASA engineer, meaning very likely a team of space chimps was wanked with this things before human dongs got near it.  It’s also one of the few sex toys that looks like a vaginated vacuum cleaner and comes complete with internal drive belts to create that realistic “fucking the treads of a wet tank” feel that so many of us long for.

The device, like all the others, is hooked up to your PC, and when in use you can watch specially made porn that is synched with the motions of the device itself.  Finally, someone had made watching porn slightly more shameful.

Orgasm Chip

Ha ha, take that, neuroscience!

What is it?

Don’t you hate how, if you want to get off, you have to like, do stuff?  It’s been the thorn in the side of getting dirty for ages now.  If you can’t find another person to help you out, you at least need to use your hand or dry hump an air mattress or something.  That’s basically the definition of sexual Communism.  In 2009, no one should have to stand for that kind of shit.  No one.  And soon, no one will, thanks to the orgasm chip, an electrode that stimulates the naughty sections of your brain

How’s it Work?

First developed as a cure for Parkinson’s, because Parkinson’s and lazy masturbation are very closely related in brain science terms, it’s basically just a chip in your noggin that electrically stimulates part of your brain.  The first time they tried it out, the side effect was the patient becoming something of a hornball.  Score.

The technology is not ready to go just yet as it needs some refining in the way all good accidental discoveries do.  No one at the factory where they invented silly putty let that shit out on the first day after they accidentally discovered it while trying to find a more efficient way to dissolve the bodies of hobos (that’s a fact Wikipedia won’t tell you about).  Currently, if you’re in the mood to have the surgery, you need a wire that goes from a pacemaker into your brain, which probably lowers the level of hotness just slightly.

Future Prospects

In the future the plan is to just pop it in there and maybe give you a remote control so if you’re bored on the bus you just click a button and soil yourself, just like everyone else on the bus.  The world of tomorrow will be bright indeed.

Robo Sex

I lube my holes with WD-40

What is it?

It’s creepy.  But if your sex isn’t at least a little creepy, you’re probably doing it wrong.  That’s what grandpa always said, anyway.

According to people who are schooled in robotics and artificial intelligence, our boring sexual lives that are bogged down by sex with other humans or warmed ham is just about over.  Within the next 40 years, it’s predicted robotic sex will be the next best thing in amorous awfulness.  Robots capable of expressing emotion and bending in super unpredictable ways will become the newest atrocities to make polite folk feel disgusted to be a part of the human race.  Yay!

How’s it Work?

As any good science fiction and many bad science fiction will tell you, artificial intelligence is a terrible, terrible idea.  Still, if you can make your toaster not just fuck you, but want to fuck you, it’s worth dabbling in, even if the inevitable outcome is the enslavement and/or destruction of mankind at the hands of machines that don’t see us so much as a threat but a race of sex predators they need to save themselves from.  To that end, we’re working on making computers think.

AI expert David Levy figures that within 40 years robots will be advanced enough to be able to interact with humans on a significant enough level to understand human body language and gestures and even initiate or participate in sexual intimacy.  So that means one day your Roomba may want to suck up more than just the dust and cat litter on your floor.  Hot.

Future Prospects

Levy figures robot sex is inevitable and he’s probably right, given the range of bizarre shit people currently fuck.  The upshot is you can program a robot lover to do pretty much whatever suits you.  You can program it to cheat on you if you so desire, or you can upload the entire Whitesnake discography so it will sing the most kickass fuck tunes ever.  The skies the limit and, as an added bonus, once the first AI love robot hits the market, ever single media outlet on earth will make at least one joke about getting a virus.  Har har har!

Virtual Sex Machine

Now that you mention it, yes. Lawnmower Man did suck.

What is it?

Taking teledildonics one lonelier step further is the virtual sex machine.  Because why have a wanking machine if you can’t have custom made, wanking machine compatible porn?  No seriously, why would you ever have that?

The virtual sex machine is basically a device you slide your junk into and then hook up to your computer.  So now you’re sitting in your swivel chairs, pants down, at the computer.  So far so good.  Then, to take you to that next level of shame, there’s interactive software.  So you press play on the disc in your drive or you upload something from the website and now you have first person porn that interacts with your virtual machine.

How Does it work?

The software isn’t just the porn, it’s a program that coincides with your little wank tool for a one-two punch of masturbation fun.  While the girl on the screen is busy going to town on a disembodied weiner, your weiner is getting worked by disembodied forces…that are sort of embodied in your dong device.  So what you see is what you feel.  Here’s hoping no one makes one of those prank programs where you think you’re watching porn and then out of nowhere you get that screaming scary face lunging at you, or the hot chick turns out to be a tranny right at the end after you got off.  It sucks when that happens.  We’ve heard.  From others.

Future Prospects

Technology is just racing ahead these days when it comes to computer peripherals.  You can get USB hand warming gloves, for when you need to type outside in the Arctic, apparently.  That can only mean the Virtual Sex Machine’s future is brighter than ever.  The interface will improve and, dare we dream it, one day there may be a little USB Ass Fingerer.  That’ll probably be the end of the internet as we know it, but man, what a journey.