The Gastronomic Boner Experiment

Last week we brought you the technological evolution of sex and, according to scientists, it was fucking awesome.  They gave us a golden award shaped like science for it.  We keep it on the mantle.  But in practical terms it does you no good to pine for a hyper advanced fuckbot if you have no hope of getting one for another 40 years or so.  Honestly, that’s a lot of nights of lonely fapping in the hopes you’ll be able to get a robot maid with like 6 boobs down the road.  So what can you do today to perk up your dong and make sex all it can be and then some?  Fuck the toaster?  The answer is no.  FunnyCrave in no way whatsoever endorses fucking the toaster.  Why would you even think that?  The answer is food.  Sexy, bonery food.

For years, numerous foods have been touted as aphrodisiacs, having the ability to give you raging tasty wang that could fuck an elk from across a flooded plain, or tear a hole in the space-time continuum through which cosmic spooge would leak.  Does that make any sense?  No, not particularly, but hopefully you’ve been able to follow the basic gist of where we’re going.  Some foods claim to be able to forge white hot boners of such magnificent thrustability that Buddha himself would offer you one of his many comely wenches and ask nothing in return but the right to videotape the ensuing debaucheryu.  But what good is a claim?  FunnyCrave causes your boobs to grow bigger, but only if you send pictures of them to the editors.  That’s a claim.  Feel free to test it.

No, the only way to know for sure if any of the so-called aphrodisiac foods in the world actually work is to test them.  So that’s what happened.  And here, good readers, are the dongtacular results.

Oysters

As tasty as it looks

As luck would have it, I found myself at a buffet this past week, and nothing says hot and horny quite like buffet oysters.  How long have they been sitting out?  Long enough to sex you, that’s how long.  God, you’re not going to be able to sit right for days after this.

The History

Some research has shown that oysters and other mollusky type filth from the bottom of the sea may aid in the production of sex hormones like testosterone and estrogen, hopefully as is proper for whatever gender is eating the oyster, lest men start growing oyster titties.  That’d be rough.  So there’s at least some tentative foundation for this belief.  Now let’s put it to the test.

The Scene

Buffet with the family.  The restaurant serves mostly Chinese food, but has a few other tidbits tossed in, like a mysterious yellow gelatinous substance and curry beef.  Also delicious onion rings.  The oysters have been sitting in the salad bar, untouched by any customer, for at least an hour as I approach.  Despite having dinner with grandma, this seems like the best and brightest chance I’ll get to test this one out.

The Test

Three oysters accompany some chicken wings, onion rings, raw veggies and a salad back to my table.  I eat a chicken wing and look at grandma, who is eyeing my oysters.  Things could be worse.  I finish the wing, grab the shell of an oyster, and go.

Having never eaten oysters before, I am not fully prepared for the experience.  I learn that chewing is wrong.  Gag reflex kicks in quickly.  Oyster number 1, partially chewed, quickly expels itself from my face into a napkin.  The result is near vomit and no boner.  Call it a test run.

For oyster two, I tilt my head back as per the instructions of a high schooled aged server and just swallow the slimy thing.  I feel like I just let a bird sit on my teeth and shit down my throat.  I quickly follow this with a second oyster but refuse to go up for more.  Something about room temperature sea creatures is not sitting well with me.

Boner-Meter

Three hours later I have the shits and there is no boner in sight.  Oysters score a 0 out of 10.

Chocolate

A chocolate boob? Why that's hilarious!

Some study at some point in time suggested that some women prefer chocolate to sex.  Know who those women are?  Women that eat chocolate instead of having sex.  Watch out for them.  But that aside, this was an easy one.  You can pick up chocolate pretty much anywhere.  I got a bar off some kid selling it at a grossly inflated price outside of a grocery store.  I may have been supporting cancer research by buying it, or maybe the kid is just a rip off artists for buys candy for 65 cents and sells it to idiots like me for $2.

The History

Apparently the act of eating chocolate is meant to be sensual itself, plus it’s said to have phenylethylamine which releases dopamine in your brain, especially while you’re getting off.  Sweet.  Plus it has that quick carb boost for a burst of energy and stamina.  And boner.

The Scene

My chocolate accompanied me home from the store.  I put away some groceries then sat on the couch with my tiny dog and proceeded to watch the last hour of The Never Ending Story while I ate it.

The Test

While Atreyu is busy fighting off the Nothing and that asshole of a talking wolf, my dog watched as I unwrapped the foil and proceeded to eat.  It was milk chocolate with almonds and it was not worth $2.  No immediate boners, but for a moment as I pondered what the Child-Like Empress might look like today.  With the help of Google, now I know.

Boner Meter

Post Google search, I’m 80% certain I felt some twitches.  Is this debauched childhood memories or an overpriced chocolate bar?  Who cares, chocolate scores a 2 out of 10.  It’s not great, but it’s something.

Honey

Ha ha bear, you're full of bee vomit!

People buy honey because they think they should, and then it sits there because what the fuck do you do with honey?  Eventually it turns into that 90% solid, crystalline mass of shit that you’re tempted to try to eat like candy but when you cut off a chunk and taste it, it’s like eating pain, if pain were so sweet it melts your insides.  So what I’m saying is I have a fuckton of honey in my house.

The History

Rumor has it, honey is full of B vitamins and boron.  What the fuck does that have to do with anything?  Who knows, but some website is positive that means it can help you get your hump on.  A billion bees can’t be wrong, assuming all they do is hump all day.  Hump and sting, all day.

The Scene & Test (it’s a 2-for-1 entry!)

Honey and a spoon and we’re going to keep eating until someone wants to fuck.  What follows is a rough log of events.

-started eating at around 2:pm on a Saturday while watching The Spiderwick Chronicles, yet another fantasy movie made for children.  Again, likely not the best accompaniment for boners.

-by 2:15ish I seem to have eaten roughly 10 spoonfuls of semi-hard honey and feel absolutely disgusted.  Just wretched in every conceivable fashion.  I feel the way I imagine maggots feel when they’re born into the world and think “so this is life, not bad” and then are instructed by friends and relatives that they have their choice of rotting fish or dog shit to choose from for breakfast.

-2:30 or so I try another spoonful of honey.  I feel my blood thickening in my veins and am confident the end result of this experiment is going to be a boner, or a diabetes boner.  Or just diabetes.

-2:35ish and the last spoonful I can manage goes in.  My stomach is heaving and my saliva is so syrupy it actually takes a moment for my lips to part, trailing between them the sticky threads of my own despair.  I proceed to the bathroom and vomit.  I then throw out the remaining honey in my home.  Hey bees, fuck you.

Boner-Meter

In direct defiance of established boner meter guidelines, honey scores a -1.  Vomiting may be sexy in Japan, but it ain’t floating any boats here.

Figs

Oh yeah, that totally looks like vag

The grocery store had some figs on sale, so why not give those a spin.  They’re one of the members of the “shitty fruit” family along with dates, cranberries and canary melons.  Honestly, who eats that shit?  Cranberries taste like someone pissing in your eye.

The History

Word has it a fig looks like a cooch.  No shit, people think that.  After doing some online research, FunnyCrave staff have concluded that if your lady parts look like a fig, then you have something even worse than Hitler AIDS going on downstairs.  That shit’s repulsive.

That aside, figs are old as fuck.  Remember Adam and Eve?  Of course not, they’re supposed to be the first people ever, you didn’t meet them.  But nonetheless, they used fig leaves to hide their shame.  Figs be old.  Somehow that equates to boneriffic.

The Test (no scene this time, we’re running low on time)

Eat three figs and see if I am able to smash holes in the drywall with the ensuing erection.  Once holes have been smashed, see if anything is on the other side that wants to have some sex.

The first fig goes down pretty easy, so to speak.  It’s not awful but not great.  Kind of gritty with a bit of a Newton taste to it.  Holy shit. I just figured out fig Newtons.

The next fig seems a little rotten and off color.  Remembering the honey incident I refuse to take chances and instead feed it to the dog, who gets boners from hearing his own name.  He is not impressed and there is no dog boner.  I eat the last fig and do not get a boner either.  The dog and I sit on the sofa together, bonerless.

Boner-Meter

The boner meter is a cruel mistress and never claimed to be fair.  Figs score a 3 out of 10, not because they worked, but because they caused no obvious discomfort.  Not puking is way closer to a boner than puking.

Truffles

how could anyone mistake this for turd?

Not the chocolate kind, but the fungus kind.  Apparently they train dogs and pigs to hunt these things down and dig them up.  How the first guy who ever ate one came to the conclusion it wasn’t just a wad of dirty turd is anyone’s guess because it so looks like a wad of dirty turd.

The History

This is an old one, goes back to the Greeks and Romans who considered the scent of a truffle to be stimulating and made the flesh more sensitive to various kinds of filth that Romans and Greeks used to enjoy.  I’m no historian, but I bet buggery was involved.

The Test

I could only get one truffle, because this shit is pricey and because it looks like a wad of dirty turd and I refuse to try to eat more than one.  Since the olden days people were all about the smell, I figured I’d try that first.  It’s easy to see why this would be considered sensual to some people, especially if you agree ahead of time to the belief that the stank of a poorly ventilated and somewhat damp basement is fucking hot.

Lacking a boner after the sniff test, I took a bite and learned something amazing.  Truffles are actually, literally, wads of dirty turds.

Boner-Meter

Sadly, another 0 out of 10.  Not vomit inducing, but not unlike what I imagine apes experience when they cleanse their own asses.  Again, probably boner inducing for some, but not all.