The EveryMan’s (or Woman’s) Guide to Online Deviancy

Recently, it has come to my attention that the internet is all abustle with lasciviousness. “Gasp!” you may gasp, and clutch at your tender bosom. “What is this lasciviousness you speak of, Ian? Is it also licentious and lustful?” to which I might reply after a hearty twirl of my pubic moustache (which I call a “merkin”), “Tis, my good friend, tis indeed. It is, in fact, the most diabolical bane known as GINGIVITIS PORNOGRAPHY!!”

Shocked as you may be to learn this, it is in fact true that the internet houses a small yet well established number of “websites” that traffic in “adult images” or “German fisting videos” or “Welsh piss porn” or “Romanian ass-to-mouth dioramas.” I discovered this fact quite by accident whilst trying to repost much of my old articles that have been lost to the annals of history after Adam accidentally deleted our old site.

When you mistype “annals” in a Google search and your safe search settings are not on, you end up with a wide array of “websites” that you may not have been intending to find. At first I fancied I had discovered an abundance of proctological health related “sites” and since I am a man of an age when I need to start considering prostate exams (from the doctor this time) I decided to take a look. Let me assure you friends, these exams were very likely not fully sanctioned by any medical body. From that one innocent misspelling of a word I was thrust deeply and wetly into a world of seedy, steamy, squishy detritus that in my innocence I never knew existed.

The internet, which I had long thought merely a tool for learning, complaining about celebrities, buying shit I don’t need, pirating music, hilarious pictures of cats, watching juvenile Flash cartoons and trying to pick up female Blood Elves in Warcraft was, in actuality, a fatty fat fat den of iniquity. Naturally, being of a curious disposition and having already removed my underpants, I was ready to delve into this experience and view it as a tool for growth. Turgid, firm growth. And, after amassing data and learning all there was to learn on the matter, I would be able to pass it on to you, my devoted readers, as I am currently doing.

Where to begin, I thought to myself, as I used one hand to guide my mouse about something called a “thumbnail gallery” full of pictures of the aforementioned unsanctioned and medically unsound proctological exams, throat exams, undercarriage exams and facials. So many facials. If I, a seasoned pro at the internetting and a well traveled individual, was so taken aback but what I was witnessing, how would you handle it? How would naive, innocent Luis Prada handle such a thing should he ever mistype “all banal gang sang” and stumble upon images of 60 men lined up very closer together without pants on? In my heart I knew what needed to be done. I needed to write this and help you understand what’s out there waiting for you.

So, without further ado, I give you the following list. Should you ever see these terms, heed my warnings, children. Especially you Luis. Jesus knows where you put that shampoo bottle. And so do I, because I watch. Now, say you’re up to your neck in pornographic “websites” because you either had a mistype like I did or you perhaps thought that a Russian “website” offering videos on how to hide hotdogs was an educational venture and not an illicit source of entertainment, you may run across a term or two you’re unfamiliar with. Luckily I can summarize all you need to know in this brief, helpful guide full of terms and genres that you’ll want to avoid at all costs.

Girl/Girl or “lesbiology” – This is what happens when near sighted ladies make the unfortunate mistake of trying to copulate with one another rather than a male, as nature dictates. Won’t their faces be red when they realize the mistake they’re making!

Male/Male or “homunculous” – These are Tom Cruise films.

ATM or A2M – These are more of those proctologicals except at the end something goes horribly awry.

Pearl Necklace – You must be in a fraternity or have poor depth perception to do this.

Threesomes or “manage a twat” – This is mankind’s version of the mating dance seen in animals when two suitors compete for a potential mate’s affections, occasionally resulting in the mate being “spit roasted,” depending on how the three are organized.

BDSM – This is like my last relationship, only the pain looks more satisfying.

Facesitting – This is how people who suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome are forced to make love. How sad that they don’t have the energy to stand. I will send a card to the website I found later and maybe a fruit basket.

Shemales – I don’t know what happened here. I think it is photoshop.

Golden showers – This is a tragic misnomer as showers imply cleanliness.

Mature – This means anyone who dares show their face once they reach the age of 27.

Gangbang – This is how the destitute are forced to make love, as many families share a single room and eventually lose their sense of shame and privacy amongst one another. Poor the poor, you were given a rough lot in life. Also of note is the sad state of the working hierarchy in which it often seems the women folks are out working and only one or two are still home while all the men are there. Perhaps, however, this is only an example of shift work and later it will be all women with one or two men.

Big Breasts or “Boobies” – Tragic women afflicted with elephantiasis trying to make an honest living. Good for them, I support them fully and so should you.

Reality porn – There are “websites” that make mention of curious, deep south (possibly South American) things known as “bang buses” and “MILFs” and attempt to depict scenarios that mirror what our friends on reality television do. Like reality television these seem to be run by “morons” and are horribly “fake” and “uninteresting.” Unlike reality TV, many women remove their clothes, making this fare far more dangerous and subversive than watching every episode of The Bacherlor on your TiVo in a row.

Bukkake – These appear to be some WWII era videos of torture techniques used by the Japanese military. Their approach is unique.

Amateur - This is one of three things A – Someone getting revenge on an ex with scanned Polaroids/cell phone videos B – Middle aged drunk couples C -Professionals who like to use poor lighting and bad camera work to make it seem as though they are not professional. Witness “Cloverfield” or “The Blair Witch Project” for fully clothed versions.

Strap-ons – This in some way relates to gender inequality and anger.

Hentai – This is the how wholesome memories of childhood are destroyed.

Voyeur or “hidden cam” or “pervo-vision” – This is poor quality video and images of underpants, that little wrinkle that forms where a thigh meets butt and Paris Hilton.

Teabagging – This rarely results in a soothing beverage and often requires goggles lest a retina detach should it get too vigorous. I wish I could go on as there is much more to learn about, from bodybuilders to the fearsome act known as “Canadian Style” but I do not think my stomach can handle any more. All I can do is hope that, in some way, I have saved you, or at least prepared you, should you ever be “surfing” for Orpington chickens and, trying to save time, you merely type in “black cock.”