The 5 Worst Possible Facebook Status Updates
By Luis PradaWORST FACEBOOK STATUS: If you’re still not on the Twitter bandwagon, don’t worry. You’re not missing much. If you have a Facebook page, then you pretty much have a Twitter-like mechanism commonly known as the “Status Update.”
The problem with the status update is there’s no set-in-stone way to use it. With Twitter you only get 140 characters to get your point across. The Facebook status update should work in the same way, but people have yet to figure out things like “brevity” and “coherence.” Thus, we are saddled with having to put up with an endless array of bizarre Update-isms ; proving that if you hand people some micro-blogging technology that has no built in system of rules, they will become flustered and post anything as long as it’s still in the realm of “something.”
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5. Inspirational Wisdom
Example: “If you can’t stand by your word you stand for nothing.”
What is it about the status update that turns everybody in to Tony Robbins? Are people lying on the couch with their laptops slowly heating their nearly bare genitals while trying to come up with pithy enlightening slogans that aren’t even good enough for bumper stickers?
Some Facebook users seem to have some kind of mystical, all-knowing wisdom that was granted to them by a cosmic force that we mere mortals don’t have the brain capacity to even fathom. Sadly, this mystical force only bestowed them with the power to spout out small bursts of intelligence that would seem more convincing if it wasn’t typed and delivered to you by the same person that has an entire Facebook photo album dedicated to that time they got so drunk they couldn’t take another sip without vomiting instantly, so they tried to absorb a bottle of vodka rectally.
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4. Quotes
Example: “Every man dies. Not every man really lives” – William Wallace
Like Inspirational Wisdom, the quote is a short burst of universal truth being passed on to you, the person that would really rather read an update about how the cops are banging on the door yet the updater refuses to throw down their weapons and release the hostages.
The quote is perhaps the most subversively annoying of the bunch as you have to give it some thought and perform some small observations to fully appreciate its stupidity. Thankfully for you, we did that part for you.
The quote sucks because…
A) Like Inspirational wisdom, the chances of the person writing it actually living out that quote to the fullest are slim. In fact, the chances are pretty good that the William Walllace quote above was typed in to the status update box while the updater was stuck in a cubicle trying to decided whether they should just walk out of the office and never return, of if they should come back from lunch with a fully loaded Mac-10. They will settled on neither and continue to fill out their time sheets in-between searches for more quotes that they would live by if they didn’t suck at living so much.
B) Because all friends of the updater give the quote a Thumbs Up, as if the updater had actually come up with the quote themselves. In essence, these people are rewarding and praising the updater for figuring out how to copy and paste…which is the same thing we would do to a monkey if it learned to copy and paste.
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3. Being Vague
Example: “Riding on a wave of self-loathing. If only you could understand. None of you ever will.”
In every friends list there is the one guy or girl that refuses to ever come out and clarify just what the hell their updates even mean, like they’re some kind of Facebook David Lynch – hiding their messages behind metaphor and perplexing language that can mean almost anything. The example above is something a Funny Crave staff member actually saw on their Facebook news feed not too long ago.
What does it mean? Who knows? But what we do know is that no less than 5 friends of this updater asked the same type of question, “What’s wrong?” and “Is everything okay?” Clearly, people that post vague, cryptic status updates need a hug but feel that performing an actual hug is too “all up in your face.” Perhaps they would be happy with a slight knowing nod as you pass them on the street, or, if you want to go the vague and perplexing route, give them a Thumbs Up then leave a comment where you call them a pretentious drama-feeding asshole.
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2. Being Vague, Part 2: Passive Shit-Talking
Example: “Don’t you just hate it when certain ‘best friends’ turn out to be your worst enemies?”
The word “Emo” gets tossed around a lot when it comes to whining and moaning about events or the actions of certain people. While complaining is a common human reaction to bad circumstances, being “Emo” when complaining means your complaints have no balls behind them. If you bitch and whine passively, never once putting a face on what you’re whining about, you’re just showing off one of the many ways a person can be Emo on the internet. That’s when you get shitty status updates where people who are presumably seething with anger think it devilishly slick to advertize their rage in a dreadfully ambiguous way, making sure no one gets offended.
The problem here is that there are 2 ways of achieving the shit talking goal: the pussy-emo way, or the more commonly accepted, and highly praised, manly way.
If you want to be a man about it, just turn your “Don’t you just hate it when certain ‘best friends’ turn out to be your worst enemies?”emo update in to, “Hey, Ted! Yeah, I’m talking about you, Ted Abbots! You’re a fucking cocksucker! Hey, Everybody! Ted’s a retarded cocksucker that should be chemically castrated with a Pop Rocks and Bleach cocktail!”
It’s simple and direct. Regardless of how retarded Ted actually is, he will not be confused as to what and who you’re talking about….and he may actually give a shit when he reads it.
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1. A Whole lot of Nothing
Example: “Just got home,” “about to shower!” “My dog chewed my sandals while I was in the shower!!!” “Still wet from the shower. ‘bout to eat. Yummmmm!” “This chicken tastes funny” “I think that chicken is giving me the shits!!”
Micro-blogging as given rise to people that feel everything they do is news worthy of ‘round-the-clock news coverage on a cable news channel. “BREAKING: I JUST STEPPED IN DOG SHIT”, “THIS JUST IN: THIS TOOTHPASTE IS TOO MINTY, SADNESS CONSUMES ME”, “NEWSFLASH: MY SHOE LACES, THEY ARE ASKEW.”
Unless the updater is giving an up-to-the-minute account of their current adventure in a dense rain forest as they do battle with demon goats from hell while the fate of mankind hangs in the balance, then they probably shouldn’t be concerned with informing us of their every action.
This mentality is indicative of a person whose life is so mundane that they feel they have to over-compensate by announcing their every thought and action to the world in the hopes that at least one person on their friends list will finally speak up and tell them to just shut their fucking mouths. That one minor digital altercation will be the closest thing to excitement they will have had in months.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 7:53AM
Hmm, I believe those covers 90% of the status updates out there.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 2:03AM
So, there shouldn't be a status update bar?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 2:07AM
haha totally enjoyed reading this shit!.. so damn true!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 8:15AM
I think this article falls into category 1
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 8:23AM
lol nice post :D
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 9:00AM
ummm – wha?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 3:07AM
0_0
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 3:10AM
Awesome! Thanks!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 4:18AM
[...] 13, 2010 · Leave a Comment There is a funny but true article on funnycrave.com about the worst Facebook status [...]
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 11:18AM
HAHAHA that was amazing. i agreed (and laughed) with everything xD
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 12:47PM
reason why i stopped updating my status, this is absolutely true thankyou
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 1:11PM
I'm sorry, but that includes EVERYTHING. What else do you have? What according to you is a "good" status message on FB? Huh?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 1:40PM
I just stepped on dogshit.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 1:48PM
Whoa. You may be on to something.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 1:50PM
That was fun to read!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 2:46PM
this is dumb, status updates are what facebook is all about. true, the vague ones are annoying and so are the pointless ones but other than that, updates are fine. and if you're gonna write a shitty article, at least make it funny.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 2:55PM
We tried writing shitty funny articles but they were too confusing. Maybe you need to have your handler read it to you again.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 3:13PM
There are none. Please delete your Facebook page as soon as possible. All hope is lost!!!!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 9:36AM
[...] [...]
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 4:43PM
LOL all the most-favourite-kind of statuses around!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 5:11PM
There's a hilarious irony in posting a list of banal, useless things people post on Facebook, when in fact pointing out how banal and useless Facebook/Twitter are would easily score #1 on any list of banal, useless things people post on the Internet. But thanks for the 15,973th rant about how people talk about mundane details of their boring lives on microblogs. Really takes me back to 2007.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 6:04PM
2007 was sweet.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 12:14PM
Great article…now i’ll def think twice about not just updating my status but also on commenting as it seems that everything is pointless..LOL
Thanks a lot!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 6:15PM
Great article…but I, too, am becoming curious – what IS a good FB status update?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 6:17PM
i think there's a porcupine trying to get out of your ass
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 1:35PM
Can I update my status with this link?
loved it!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 8:45PM
meep meep!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 4:27PM
one of the 5 worst articles about Facebook
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 5:30PM
Hilarious. My roommate regularly posts as his status, “I love me some me”. What? We are looking into his mental capacity. That’s why I just post a bunch of this stuff on my status bar, because nobody gives a shit what I am doing.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 6:06PM
so what to write instead? if we starts passing judgement on someone else’s thought, what make us?
Thursday, January 14, 2010 12:18AM
Atttention, everybody! Ash thinks we should no longer pass judgment on what other people think. Did you hear that? You can no longer listen to what a stupid person says on any subject and call him out on his bullshit. You can only listen and, then, I guess, do what they stupid person tells you to do.
Yeah, that plan is fucking aces, man.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 7:03PM
GREAT except you left out “Sympathy Baiting”
Thursday, January 14, 2010 1:15AM
Well, I guess we're going to have to shut the site down now. We pass a lot of judgment around here, I don't think we can continue without doing it. Thanks a lot Ash, now I have to find a job and Luis has to return to prostitution. Hope you're happy.
Thursday, January 14, 2010 1:15AM
thats dumb. people should update whatever they want to update.
Thursday, January 14, 2010 2:13AM
"What's on your mind?"
Moronic article.
Get a life.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010 8:46PM
Ya'll write hilarious stuff. Jesus Christ you guys get some of the fucking biggest retards commenting on your stuff. "If not for the status updates, what is Facebook for?" A logical answer would be to keep in contact with friends and not telling them that you just got off the toilet. Anyway, I saw this shit and thought you guys might be able to write some funny shit on these dipshits.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/huffpost/20100112/en_huff...
Thursday, January 14, 2010 1:19AM
LOL! This is so true!
Thursday, January 14, 2010 4:19AM
[...] of the popular articles recently is The 5 Worst Possible Facebook Status Updates and I enjoyed reading it but I disagree … I Love Facebook Status Updates … I’ll [...]
Thursday, January 14, 2010 4:32AM
[...] The 5 Worst Possible Facebook Status Updates [...]
Thursday, January 14, 2010 9:39AM
[...] The 5 Worst Possible Facebook Status Updates [...]
Thursday, January 14, 2010 8:12PM
Holy crap. When did the haters join the party? Did they bring chips? I love hate-chips.
I've got a buttload of angry, Obama hating childhood friends who use their status updates to remind me about the ONE TRUE GOD IN CAPS. Maybe you don't have any of those friends. Maybe it's because you don't know the ONE TRUE GOD. IN CAPS.
Copy and repaste this as your status message if you love Jesus and/or orphans with breast cancer.
Thursday, January 14, 2010 3:40PM
my ex willard used to be all about number two
Thursday, January 14, 2010 5:05PM
I love having conversations on pictures with a million people tagged in them. Bonus points if the pic is at least 3 years old.
Thursday, January 14, 2010 9:33PM
So basically everyone's walls would be empty?
Friday, January 15, 2010 3:47PM
Agreed, but with the last one dont you think that people are just communicating with their mates? It's casual banter man. A bit of small talk. Standard human communication?
Friday, January 15, 2010 7:37PM
[...] The 5 Worst Possible Facebook Status Updates is pretty funny. [...]
Saturday, January 16, 2010 3:16AM
hey !!!!! everybody….dont let this article or lets say the opiion of a single person let you down !!!!!!!!!…….. there is no reason we too must consider the above mentioned type of status updates worse just coz.. he thinks so………c'mon…..that is stupid……
Saturday, January 16, 2010 7:10PM
Actually, it's the rules now. Luis owns Facebook. You have to do what he says.
Monday, January 18, 2010 10:23AM
If you don't like it DON'T USE IT!!! Such a simple solution to this guy's problem. Alas this is part of why America is in a downfall. We all should think just like this guy right, and if we don't then we are obviously dumber him. I'm sure that this guy even in real life has NEVER blurted out something that didn't make sense without explanation. Just another whiner in America. If its that bad make a F.B. without a status update you PUD. Who goes through and reads all the status updates anyway. This guy has WAY to much time on his hands. Its America land of the free, and who cares if F.B. upsets you DON"T use it!!
Monday, January 18, 2010 2:08PM
You must be fun to watch TV with.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010 2:59AM
Apart from 3 and 4, the rest are normal :P So I just watched a movie and want to quote a line. So I came across some karmapedia and post an inspiring, yet cliche phrase. So I just saw a fat cockroach in the toilet. It's not a public website – it's facebook, for friends only. Friends quote back, give thumbs up, and say "OMG, it must be a roachdemic XD". See, that's what friends do. We share laughs and thoughts, we communicate, we enjoy the little things in life. The author's probably just jealous that his friends didn't comment on HIS/HER statuses ;)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010 10:46PM
[...] on to buddypoke, grab my coin-of-the-day and sign out. While I adore my friends and family, this article nicely sums up why I don’t care much for Facebook. Although they need to add a sixth one [...]
Thursday, January 21, 2010 9:38PM
that is some of the truest shit ever
Sunday, January 24, 2010 8:24AM
Great article. I tend to only use status board much like a movement board. " On holidays back soon" or something equally as boring.
Cheers
Tuesday, January 26, 2010 5:07PM
25 Facebook Friends you probably have: http://digg.com/d31GDBi
Monday, February 1, 2010 4:35AM
[...] via [Funny Crave] [...]
Monday, February 1, 2010 7:33PM
Some people post the most banal status updates. If you have something to say. Make it funny at least!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010 1:24AM
The problem with status updates is that people are actually saying what's on their mind and it's hilariously scary. Check out some good ones here: http://youneed2stop.wordpress.com/
Monday, February 8, 2010 8:48PM
This was great. Everything mentioned here was exactly why I disabled my account (The FB A-holes won't let you delete it). Facebook could be a good thing, until you get a bunch of pathetic losers crying out for "cyber" attention that rarely even talk to real people. Also getting bombarded with the stupidest updates, comments, and status messages from "so called" friends. It's just a big fuckin waste of time! F' Facebook! And fuck URdumbagain and r shannon, as they are obviously avid dumb fuck time wasters that obviously love facebook.
Monday, February 8, 2010 3:20PM
Lol. Nice one. Write another post about the best status update ;) waiting for it
Tuesday, February 9, 2010 12:25PM
True. What is good status on fb anyway?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010 2:14PM
[...] The 5 Worst Possible Facebook Status Updates – Ultrafail city. [...]
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 11:17PM
Shit was so cash
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 11:22PM
Alright, because I'm sure the people who run this site are busy logging most of the comments to belittle you people in a future article I'll take a crack at why 90% of the comments thus far have been moronic.
Firstly, Yes this is a satirical piece. It's funny for its whit and it's extreme view point. Like a good stand up comedian it over embellishes "for the lulz". Stop over analyzing it and asking "whats a good update, huh punk?"
Secondly, for the "this is so true, fucking facebook fags!" Get over yourself. You probably have a myspace which places you much lower on the proverbial food chain of social sites. Maybe you dont, maybe your one of those hold out bastions of pureness on the internet that has thus eluded the siren's call of social sites. Good for you. You arent special. You're just fighting the system to be a unique individual like all the kids that shop at hot topic. Have fun with that knowledge.
For the 10% of us that understand that this is in fact for thelulz. We laugh. And the happiness that we gain will extend our lives just a bit. (or in my case counteract some of the hate to keep me from dieing before middle age)
Friday, February 12, 2010 4:38AM
[...] Diana Gervacio. How to have a perfect profile picture.http://funnycrave.com/the-5-worst-possible-facebook-status-updates/8117/ [...]
Saturday, February 13, 2010 4:42AM
How to avoid shit status updates, don't join facebook, etc
Thursday, February 18, 2010 6:25PM
Well it all depends on who is going to post "going to take a shower." If you search for funny FB statuses… an attractive gal posted that and it got 60 peeps just saying they like that… So yes the mundane posts can be good!
What this article doesn't present is what are people supposed to post in the writers mind? As one person put it that's 90% of status updates. And that is what micro blogging is about. Posting a sentence about what you are doing. Millions of people would care and want to know what Ashton Kutcher is doing even if it's taking a dump… they want to know!Do
Sunday, February 21, 2010 5:20AM
So no facebook status updates are allowed
Sunday, February 21, 2010 2:00PM
GOOD POST. and someone said, "America land of free" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..AND WHAT ABOUT YOUR CREDIT, FOR EXAMPLE, IF YOU CANNOT PAID OFF the bank, what then? how "free" you will feel when you lose your house, uh? and if u people think that being free is to write anything dumb on the FB, you are retarded. indeed. deeply disturbed.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010 5:16PM
Isn't that why they created the "HIDE" button? Unlike most out there I want to read what my friends post – without judging. It's obviously THEIR status and it's what they are feeling at that moment. I don't have hundreds of nameless friends on FB which might be this author's problem.
Thursday, March 11, 2010 1:54PM
you say the dont’s. what of the do’s?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010 6:27AM
[...] Möjligen inte alls relaterat men den här länken är rätt kul, så här kommer ”de fem värsta tänkbara statusuppdateringarna på Facebook”. Related Posts:links for 2009-07-06Så kommer du över din Twitter-skräcklinks for 2009-10-06links [...]
Friday, April 2, 2010 8:18AM
I LOVED this article! I get so irritated when I see a weekly update of "Broken, again," or "Still heartbroken." I even saw a couple just from my friends list a few times that just said shit like "Oh no…" or "Not again!"
I think a missing category, or one that should be mentioned in the "Quotes" section, would be obscure (or popular, even better) song lyrics. I know a few people who have no other form of status update other than some song lyric that's cryptic and poetic enough that people may go "Why that lyric? Why at that moment? Hmm…." I hate that! It's so annoying!! X(
Though I have seen "good" status updates, I'd like to point out. I tend to classify those as actual little personal newsflashes about the life and activities of someone I care about but might not have super-close contact with; posts like "I got my license," or a legitimate thought or event that isn't really targeted at a particular person. If you wanna get existential, no, nobody's life is "important enough" to constantly update on a site like Facebook, but there are things about one's friends or peers that they would like to see if they were posted. Though crap like "going out to the movie this Friday, so excited!" might be kind of tedious and useless for anyone other than that person you'd normally just text it to that you see everyday anyway. :P
Just my humble opinion.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010 5:21PM
There shouldn't be a facebook.
Sunday, April 25, 2010 4:39PM
wow , thats what its technaccillay saying up tere wow hes being sooooo stupid, all those things up there is what ur supposed to put wowowowowowowowowowoowowow hes pisssing me ooffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i agree wiff sean and lanforty
Saturday, May 1, 2010 10:44PM
OK and what should the "perfect" FB user write in his status, if not one of these?
Thursday, May 6, 2010 12:51AM
i still doesn't really get what the writer trying to accomplish by writing this thing …
Monday, June 7, 2010 6:17PM
What would be some ideal statuses? This list seems to cover them all!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010 9:02AM
i think quotes and stuff like that are fun. They don't have to look like you're inspiring wisdom or anything, maybe you just like the quote?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010 9:26AM
or this one: "Robert Ramik just had some old man in a wheelchair yell @ me for using the handicap stall… Dick"
WHAT AN ASSHOLE…not the guy in the wheelchair.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010 6:57AM
Do the world a favor and stop using facebook
Tuesday, June 22, 2010 12:42PM
haha, you've listed most of the status updates I see around
Monday, July 19, 2010 4:46PM
hahaha my shoelaces, they are askew!
Thursday, July 22, 2010 5:55AM
What a stupid and selfish article…
So what's the point of the status update then??
This is only to boast and pretend that it's funny to criticize the others just to feel superior
Thursday, August 5, 2010 6:48AM
what a pile of wank. The bottom line is that facebook is full of self-agrandizing people that have nothing better to do than play games and post shit into their status. Considering every status is pretty lame what is the criteria for selecting these 5?
although I am not a heavy twitter user, you have obviously misunderstood the medium if you think that twitter is about status updates. It is a communication medium much as IRC was but in a less "room" centric way.
Friday, December 24, 2010 8:51AM
This starts with the simple fact Facebook users and a large percentage of internet users in general are idiots and/or children. It is incredibly rare for a "status update" to actually be an update of their status. It doesn't say "Enter pointless quip here" does it?
I wish for an internet where the IQ or at the very least age of the user/commenter is automatically displayed next to their brilliant insights.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011 5:14AM
Well then what *should* status updates be like?
Thursday, February 10, 2011 12:23AM
Love this! http://greenstrokes.wordpress.com/2011/02/10/10-w…
Wednesday, February 23, 2011 4:09PM
Important events like getting your license, telling about parties, a trip your going on, birth of a baby, getting engaged, a death, graduating, buying your first house, etc. Get the picture? Too many people can't separate those from normal everyday things that everybody experiences like waiting in line, watching tv, going to the bathroom, taking a shower. Some people like hearing every detail about others lives and it makes that person feel important by posting their entire life so I don't really let it bother me, I just ignore it. Is it that hard to scroll down?
Thursday, March 17, 2011 11:13AM
[...] Ja, då kan ni själva se att jag blandar och ger seriösa inlägg med mindre seriösa. Men idag hittade jag en länk till The Five Worst Possible Facebook Status Updates [...]
Sunday, October 23, 2011 6:31AM
The is so true. And if this is every status update on facebook it goes to show shit facebook really is. People hating are the ones responsible for this crap
Wednesday, October 26, 2011 10:36PM
[...] http://realestate.aol.com/blog/2011/06/17/your-facebook-status-foreclosed/ http://funnycrave.com/the-5-worst-possible-facebook-status-updates/8117/ http://freecodesource.com/facebook/funny-status-updates/ [...]
Monday, November 14, 2011 11:01PM
The only one you left off was the copy and pasta status.