It’s a fact that the internet, and by extension the world, loves zombies.  The highest grossing film of all time was probably a zombie movie.  I’m so confident in that fact I don’t even need to look it up.  That’s how popular zombies are.  Each and every year, Hollywood produces no less than 150 zombie movies starring many of today’s biggest stars.  In fact, Warren Beatty is the only major force in Hollywood who has never been in a zombie film, a fact that makes him lame as shit.

As much as we all love zombie movies, it’s an undeniable fact that 90% of all zombie movies absolutely suck.  They suck so hard you can feel pressure behind your eyes when you watch them, and it’s not just from your brain swelling, it’s actually the vacuum of shit caused by that movie threatening to pull the soft tissue off of your body.  Worse, even the passingly decent zombie movies contain undeniable aspects of suck that bring the rest of the film down a notch.  For instance, did you see the remake of Dawn of the Dead?  It not only featured zombies who run, which is as preposterous as vampires who sparkle, but the inclusion of a pregnant character who was destined to have a zombie baby from the moment she appeared on screen.  Really, Zack Snyder, a zombie baby?  Why not include a highschool werewolf who’s in love with an insipid non-character?  What kind of retard would do that?

The problem is zombie movies either never do anything different, or try to do it too different.  The fact is, no one needs wind sprinting zombies or zombies with miniguns for arms because that shit is what Jesus would call “queer.”

Anyway, since the zombie story is, at its core, awesome, and movies like Shaun of the Dead, Dead Snow and Fido give us hope for awesome zombie lore in the future, here’s a list of the greatest zombie movies that have yet to be made yet.

The “Zombie-as-Normal” Movie

If you want to shake the apple tree to see what falls out, you shake that shit hard.  Fido tried this pretty well, it takes place in a Leave it to Beaver universe in which people have zombies as pets/slaves.  It was pretty awesome.  But try to imagine that if George Romero kind of hijacked it into Land of the Dead.

Any movie that features zombies as the normal denizens of the earth and humans as the small, creepy minority would be awesome.  Better still if the zombies were afraid of the humans because the humans had found a cure for zombism.  Imagine New York City, all ashamble with rotting bastards kind of shuffling around at rush hour, putting on CATS with a cast of rotting actors, stumbling up the stairs in their high rise office jobs and panicking when raids of gross humans run into town to kidnap a few people and drag them into their subway lairs where they administer some kind of medical treatment that reverses the zombification process.  Fresh victims would be allowed to return to life as humans, while the more advanced ones would simply die from their injuries.  It’d be a zombie genocide.

Clincher Scene:  The zombies trying to escape their human pursuers only to come face to face with a human who used to be their zombie buddy.  Shit!  The newly human antagonist dopes his shambolic friend and takes him away.  TO BECOME ONE OF US!

Zombie Horror Fusion

As the zombie story becomes more and more tired and played out, producers come up with one of two options – remake something George Romero already did twice, or toss something new into the movie.  There’s a crazy Euro zombie movies called Dead Snow that features zombie Nazis, arguably the most awesome kind of zombie and/or Nazi you’ll ever see on screen.  The whole bloody thing is subtitled though and features way too many Norwegians, but the heart is there.

And while Nazis have a certain kind of charm in film, you need to go hardcore in a zombie movie.  How do you do that?  Stick with pop culture, kids.  The two most popular kinds of monsters aside from zombies are werewolves and vampires.  And what do all three have in common?  You become one when you get bit.  A movie in which a zombie bites a werewolf who then has to become a zombie werewolf would be pretty much the most fucking awesome thing in the history of celluloid.  The entire film would be a dare to future filmmakers to even try to think of something more awesome.

Clincher Scene:  Just before the final credits roll, the “there’s gonna be a sequel!” teaser in which a vampire shows up and bites someone, so you literally have a vampire-werewolf-zombie stalking the night, with a rotting wolf muzzle and a thirst for human blood.  It might actually end the horror movie industry in one fell swoop.

Zombie Biopic

Rumor has it the novel “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” is being made into a film.  It’s basically a period piece that follows the story of Price and Prejudice, just, you know, with the undead.  Cool enough.  And the spirit of that story is what producers need to exploit in the future, a wicked fish out of water vibe.  And the only water more further detached from zombies than  Jane Austen’s 19^th century England is someone’s biography.

Arguably a biopic of someone like Mother Theresa which presents the saintly nun as a do-gooder zombie fighting the forces of necromantic evil throughout India, filmed entirely in documentary style, would be epic in ways that are almost too hard to comprehend.  She lives a quiet, pious life, brought back from the dead in the late 1970’s by nefarious shadow-obsessed archfiends, and her faith in the Lord helps her turn her back on their evil plans and become a champion of the Light whilst battling other undead forces.

Clincher Scene:  Mother Theresa, deep below the surface of the Ganges River, is in a pitched battle against a zombie and a bull shark.  Fuck and yeah.

Steven Seagal Zombie Movie

If you’re an aficionado of asstastically shitty movies, your comment finger is itchy to tell me that Steven Seagal already made a zombie movie and that it fucking sucked, as it had no other option but to do, especially because it’s not even clear if they’re zombies or vampires.  But that Steven Seagal zombie movie, called Against the Dark, is not the Steven Seagal zombie movie I mean.

Above the Law, Marked for Death, Out for Justice and Hard to Kill are the only reasons you know who Steven Seagal is today.  His first four movies and the only movies you could even maybe pretend don’t suck.  Even though they do.  But not nearly as bad as every other film he’s made.  Because seriously, Under Siege, On Deadly Ground, the fucking Glimmer Man?  Those movies are worse than Hitler AIDS.

But the reason you know those first four Seagal movies is thanks to Seagal’s sleepy, disaffected way of breaking men in half on screen.  His approach to action is akin to an elephant’s approach to wind sprints.  It doesn’t really meet the qualifications your mind has set up, but it’s doing something and that’s enough.

A Seagal zombie movie, with Seagal as the zombie, not some overweight non-Asian Asian with his hair pulled too tight and his forehead eternally on the brink of breaking into fat guy sweats, featuring slow, methodical Seagal zombie ripping off faces and pulling arms out of sockets would be a return to his glory days and his “I’m too medicated to give a fuck how awful this looks” style.

Clincher Scene: Zombie Seagal, who we have to assume used to be a cop, meets his former partner (ideally played by Brian Bosworth) for a final showdown.  The most disjointed and over-edited fight scene in history would feature Seagal’s aikido zombie stylings at a pace so obviously slow it has to be filmed through some kind of hazy filter lest everyone think it’s actually taking place under water.

Teen Sex Zombies

The 1980’s teen sex comedy is one of the greatest achievements of mankind.  Revenge of the Nerds, Porky’s, Animal House, Hot Dog: The Movie – all epic.  And sure, people have mixed zombies with comedy to varying degrees of success already, as well as trying to even make low-grade zombie sex comedies from studios that also funds atrociously shitty films with names like “Lesbian Chainsaw Hookers” and “Pearl Harbor.”  But a real, well-plotted teen sex comedy that also features zombies has never even been considered.

For starters, 90% of teen sex comedies suck before the screenwriter even opens a new Word document to get started.  Did you know there are currently 17 American Pie movies?  And after the first one, each one is actually ball-achingly worse than the one before it?  Did you know they made a sequel to Van Wilder that didn’t even feature Van Wilder?  Who the fuck does that?  The modern teen sex comedy is as rare as a hot lesbian couple searching for a dude to join them on Craigslist that isn’t actually a serial killer.

The unbeatable mix of hot girls who are actually hot and don’t look like feet (I’m looking at you, Mena Suvari), affable but not totally fucking retarded hornball lead characters, titties and at least one epic gross out joke that’s not been done in another movie and you’re golden.  My vote?  Gross out teen sex comedy has included more filth than you can shake a stick at, but a zombie ups the ante.  The moment you have a girl unwittingly giving a hummer to a zombie, and his wang detaches, oh man!  That shit is going to be a winner.

Clincher Scene:  When the dorky, virgin character sneaks into a bedroom in anticipation of a night of boning an impossibly hot girl he’d never have a chance with in real life, he picks the wrong room and ends up with a zombie girl.  To make that twist slightly less predictable, after she zombies him, she refuses to speak with him and he spends the rest of the movie as a zombie, whining to his friends about being dumped by a zombie girl.