Solar Powered Sex Toy For Patient Horny Hippies

If I were to present you the Solar Bullet, the solar powered viberator, in the form of a late night talk show monologue joke, I would say: “Hey, listen to this: a sexy toy company is releasing an new viberator with solar panels that is powered by the rays of the sun. Yeah…the creators of the viberator say it’s for that special, snobby girl that thinks the sun shines out of her ass.”

But I’m not a late night talk show host, so, instead, I’ll talk about this thing at great length; much longer than it needs to be discussed.

The product description of the viberator from Babeland.com reads:

Get off (literally) on saving the planet with the Solar Bullet vibe. Eight hours of exposure to sunshine provides one hour of blissful two-speed vibration against your clit, balls, perineum…you decide.

Let’s break down those couple of sentences, shall we?

First off, people that purchase sex toys don’t need their sex-related puns pointed out to them. Adding “literally” as a parenthetical after the phrase “Get off” is insulting and it undermines the intelligence of those that wish to conserve energy while stimulating their genitals for sexual gratification with the mighty forces of the sun.

Eight hours of charge time sounds like a long time to wait if you want to have an orgasm. A lot of people can’t even wait the 8 or so hours they’re at work, so they head to the office restroom and rub one out and hope no one notices their contorting legs underneath the stall. This thing may come in handy in the aftermath of a hurricane, or for someone that likes to ram stuff inside themselves during long, dirty camping trips in the wilderness, but it’s just not practical for the average on-the-go masturbator. But, then again, I’m probably over-thinking it. This thing was probably designed for packs of off-the-grid lady hippies that never call their vaginas vaginas, but rather, Gaia’s Wilting Pleasure Flower.

So after you’ve let this thing bake in the sun for 8 hours, you’re ready to reap the shaky benefits. One thing they don’t mention is how warm the thing with be upon insertion. It’s just been sitting out in the sun for a good chunk of the day. If you use it immediately it’ll probably feel like someone is molesting you with fresh baked goods; perhaps a fine loaf of French bread, or maybe a fresh-out-the-oven strudel.  And the thing is black, which means it probably won’t just be warm, but hot. If you’ve ever made yourself some Pillsbury breadsticks and you were so eager to have one that as soon as it came out the oven you popped one in your mouth, you know what putting this think in your genitals will feel like. You’ll probably burn the roof of your vagina or anus, then you’ll be speaking funny out of it for 2 whole days. Very embarrassing indeed.

As a reviewer of the Bullet points out, “It’s also not functional when you factor in that these vibrations are some of the buzziest I’ve ever tried.” This, to me, is dangerous. If you’re out in the wilderness taking a run at yourself while you lay on dirt, you run the risk of attracting bears and cougars and such. When that happens you’re either going to die, or you’re going to make a break for it, attempting to run at full speed with your pants around your ankles and a black cord attached to a thing that looks like knock-off iPhone swaying frantically from your junk hole of choice…and then you’re going to die. A very embarrassing death indeed. You, dead, because in your panic, your vaginal or anal walls clenched tightly, refusing to release their grasp upon the Bullet, which, after you stepped on the cord, caused you to be yanked downward as if someone attached a rope to you and pulled you in to the earth…because that’s basically what happened. After that, you’re cougar food.

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