Science Makes First Step Toward Sexual Fantasy Utopia

Two incredible advancements were unveiled this week; The first is that scientists in France unveiled a robot that can control a human arm! While it’s still on the human! I imagine their experiment involved a lot less screaming than mine, since I doubt the French have the tools to do a pocket-knife amputation. The second is that MIT developed a chip that thinks like a human!

I know what you’re thinking; “Ahh! They are not only developing Skynet, but instead of building Terminators, it will us US! SCIENCE, YOU MONSTER!” I see this as the narrow view on these things. The simple fact that movies have been made about machines taking over the world makes me believe it isn’t going to happen. I waited for the Armageddon Terminator 2 promised would happen in 1997, and boy was I pissed when all the people I told to f*ck off were alive still on August 30th.

But that is not what I see going on here. What drives technology these days? Well, what drives the internet? Sex. Seriously, based on my studies, 90% of you reading this are coming down off of beating yourself like a bitch and wanted something funny to take the edge off. So here is what I see happening with that arm thing: robot dominatrices. Imagine, a robotic mistress who can not only command you to lick her boot, but can make you do it, too. She can force you to kneel and be whipped, put that ball gag in and… well, I know everyone sees the exciting prospects there. I know, I’m excited too.

“But David,” you say, “What about the chip?” If we can make a robot that can think like a human, then we can make a robot that can feel like a human. You’re probably thinking the same thing I am — sexual slave bots that can feel the masochistic thrill of being denied pleasure, being tied down and whipped, of being teased. By the dominatrix bot.

And we will be free to stand back, an uninvolved third party, just watching this emotionless sexual deviancy from afar, feeling the frustration of someone who wishes they could be in the middle of that digital meat sandwich, like the bacon and whatever the hell that sauce is in a Doublicious.

If only science already had something like that, where we could just watch people have sex but not actually be involved because we’re awkward and unskilled. (not to mention REALLY quick); you know, something online and pornographic?