Let’s Terrify Small Children For ChristmasBy Dan Seitz
You know what?
Other countries have way more fun on Christmas. Seriously. The Japanese dress up like trees and scare small children, the Europeans have Krampus who accompanies Santa and eats bad children and just spanks the naughty ones, and we’ve got the occasional lump of coal.
You know what? No. Absolutely not. Children need to learn, early and often, that the world is a cold, dangerous place and that people take joy and laughter in your pain. Especially since screaming children are inherently hilarious. We have a few suggestions for Christmas boogeymen that might fit in best with our Christmas traditions.
The Kardashians: The Kardashians erupt from the toilet and immediately start belittling your children to cover up their own insecurities and mental problems. Followed by their handmaiden, Bruce Jenner the Androgynous.
The Jersey Shore Whiners: If the children aren’t good, instead of carolers, they’ll have to listen to a group of snobs gripe about how “Jersey Shore” is reducing our culture and who just won’t shut up about it.
The Abuse Animals: Every Christmas, Reddit’s advice animals take over the television for the naughty boys and girls and permanently scar their minds. Foul Bachelorette Frog tells you what it’s really like to be single, little girls! Condescending Fox laughs at your tears, which are inflicted on you by Guilt-Giving Good Dog! Finally, Scumbag Steve steals your TV and Horrifying Houseguest uses it as a toilet after eating all your candy.
Jerry Sandusky: “And if you’re not good, children, he’ll put you in his sack. The first of many sack-related activities Creepy Jerry will be doing to you. So shape up and fly right.”
Nickelback: We know you’re wondering why Nickelback rates worse than child molestation. The answer is you can put a child molester in jail, but Nickelback continues to abuse our Constitutional right to free speech.
Which is why we’re making a wish-list to Santa Claus that involves nuking Canada. Merry Christmas, everyone!