How to Write a Eulogy (For Someone You Just Murdered)
By Kristi Harrison
It happens everyday. One minute you’re enjoying your morning crossword puzzle, sipping coffee, nibbling on a bagel, the next minute you’re scrambling up some formaldehyde laced eggs for your cheating punk of a boyfriend. And in the heat of passion, you serve them calmly, smiling, quietly rejoicing as he slurps down every last drop of egg textured death.
It happens everyday.
The real problem comes a few days later, when Chester Cheatah’s mom starts pushing to get him in the ground so she can get on with her life. ” Cool,” you think, but guess who’s going to be delivering the eulogy now that it’s become achingly clear that no one’s really going to follow up on getting that autopsy to find the cause of death? You, that’s who. AWKWARD!
Don’t fret, girlfriend. Just between us, the Funnycrave staff has rocked 7.5 eulogies written for people we’ve actually murdered. (Don’t ask about the half. It will just break your heart.)
Don’t Laugh, This is Not a Joke
You are in front of a room full of mourners, some of whom already suspect that you killed the deceased. So keep it together. This is not the time to mentally dwell on those last few seconds of gagging, or how your triumphant ‘GOTCHA!’ was the last word your boyfriend ever heard. This is not the time to smirk.
What you need to do is wipe onion juice under your eyes before you start your speech, and stick some bits of onion in your hanky for good measure. And if you still can’t conjure up any tears for the bastard, think about something really sad, like how long it’s going to take to pack up all his stuff. Or ‘Somewhere Out There’ from An American Tail.
Anything. Just don’t laugh.
Don’t Dress Like a Slut
It’s a little unfair, we know. All his hot friends are going to be there and you’re going to be the center of attention. It’s going to be like prom, but if you had actually won prom queen instead of duchess. And if you had murdered your duke counterpart with a toxic embalming agent.
The problem with using your wardrobe to advertise your wares is that these guys are probably going to be too sad about losing their buddy to really appreciate what you’re doing. They might even hold it against you. There’s a part you need to be able to pull off for at least 12 hours: the mourning girlfriend. The mourning girlfriend gets sympathy and friendly hugs from her dead boyfriends’ friends. Nothing else. For now.
Just make sure that those guys notice your rack when you get those friendly hugs. You’ll have them coming back for more in days.
Tell a Story
Remember that these people didn’t know the jacktard like you knew him. They knew him as a brother or son or co-worker or estranged daddy. They don’t know how he used to fold his shirts the wrong way, even after you explicitly told him how to do it right about fifty times. They don’t know how he used to wake you up with a plate full of hot pancakes at the worst times, like 8 a.m. every Saturday. They still think he’s some kind of hero. Especially after he saved that one kid’s life.
Indulge their fantasies and everyone will go home happy. You obviously don’t have a story to tell, so tell them this instead:
I was 13 when we met, and from that day on, our friendship grew. Michael always knew that he could count on me to support him, or be his date and that we would have fun, no matter where we were.
We never collaborated together, we never performed together, or danced on the same stage, although he did try in vain one night to unsuccessfully teach me the Moonwalk. And he just basically shook his head, and crossed his arms that might have (been). We never filmed a video, or recorded a song – but what we did do was laugh!
Did you just give Brooke Shields’ speech from Michael Jackson’s funeral? Maybe. Do you think anyone will notice? No.
Knowing When the Jig is Up
You’ve made the audience cry, maybe you even made them laugh quietly while they dabbed their little watery eyes. You are just about home free, cupcake. But don’t put your guard down just yet. There are a few scenarios that you need to be on the lookout for. If any of these situations come up during the eulogy, grab your purse and hightail it to Mexico without looking back.
Po-Po Show Up
Go. Just run. Maybe they’re there to escort people to the cemetery…not your concern. Throw your heels at the coffin and run.
Your Boyfriend’s Ghost Spills the Murder Beans
And knowing him, he would. That ghost is the worst. Hopefully everyone will be too spooked to notice that there’s a murderer shaped hole in the wall where you ran out.
Sherlock Holmes Cracks the Case
If Sherlock Holmes comes walking in the church with his smug little pipe and whatnot, don’t freak right away. Take a good look. Is this Robert Downey, Jr.? If so, relax. Slip your dress off your shoulder a little bit. Give him a little wink. Gesture towards the bathroom. He’ll know what’s up.
Or is is Basil Rathbone? If so, get scootin’. Your slutty gestures are going to be lost on this one. He’s only seconds away from revealing everything as dramatically as possible, the ham. So run, fool! Run!
