How to Solicit a ProstituteBy Ian Fortey
So, you want to pay for sex – good choice. If you had to choose between buying sex and buying Indian food, or a rake, or Raisin Bran, you’re probably choosing the best possible option. Nothing against Indian food, mind you, it’s just not for everyone. Plus anytime I’ve tried to get intimate with a samosa I just ended up with second degree penis burns. Oh man, don’t you just hate that? Sign me up for Chlamydia instead.
You can’t just approach any woman on the street with $5 in your hand and ask for a blowjob. I mean, you can, and I would laugh if you did, but probably you won’t get much for your trouble. Women who aren’t prostitutes don’t want to be treated like prostitutes usually. Plus, even if it is a prostitute you’re dealing with, there’s still some etiquette involved.
Know Your Whore
It’s a common misconception that all booty is the same booty. Not so. Hookers are like marmosets, there are many different kinds. How many? Many.
For instance, if you’re approaching a lady on a street corner, you could be sidling up to what the media has affectionately dubbed a “crack whore.” Remember, she could also be strung out on crystal meth or heroin or gasoline. It’s not fair to pigeon hole her. Fun aside, pigeon holing is also what you call it when you try to jam your nose in someone’s ass, like you’re a pigeon pecking for seeds. I don’t make this shit up, I just report it. Except for that one, which I made up.
There’s a chance you may be also approaching a lady who works for a pimp. Watch out for pimps, they’re known to blend into gay pride parades and rooms full of other pimps. They will cut you if caught off guard or without money.
A third kind of street prostitute is Julia Roberts. If you can find her, she might be worth a couple of bucks. She cleans up alright and the chance of herpes is down around 30%.
Finally, on the street, you may also run across the movie hooker. This is a girl who doesn’t seem to have a disease or a drug habit or a pimp. Does she really exist? I don’t know, but movies say she does.
The high quality prostitutes are called escorts and they don’t work on the streets. Instead, they live on the internet, like you and me. Hello neighbors!
Now that you’ve targeted the prostitute who will soon tickle your fancy, you need to be sly. Why? Because she could be law enforcement and/or a dude. These are the two biggest hurdles toward your goal of paying for illicit relations with a down-on-her-luck stranger. Either one can end with you getting a hummer from a man, but probably that’s very unlikely in the cop situation. Instead, you’ll just get arrested. But maybe later in prison there’ll be dude blowies.
Here is a list of handy tips and tricks for properly identifying who you’re dealing with;
Depressed stare – hooker
Missing teeth – hooker
Five o clock shadow – dude
Full head of hair – cop
Hygiene – cop
Penis – dude
Cheddary smell – dude or hooker
Knife scars – hooker
Real jewelry – dude or cop
Visible infection – hooker
Visible ribs – hooker
Visible spine – hooker
Child(ren) nearby – hooker
Sense of pride – cop
If you’re reasonably sure you’ve picked a hooker over a cop or a dude, it’s time to make your approach. Because hookers know you want Pootie Tang, they’ll do most of the work here. You can just saunter by in a casual manner, maybe give an appreciative glance if she’s showing some bruised cleavage, and she’ll say something seductive like “Hey baby, wanna party?” or “I will fuck you for money.” Very rarely will a cop ever say that.
Here’s a pro-tip for you that Luis offered up. Never ask if she’s a cop. Not because it’s insulting, just because it’s stupid. Cops aren’t going to tell you they’re cops. Imagine how the entire world of under cover police work would come crashing down if, by some insane fluke of fucktardation, cops actually had to answer yes to that question. Some idiot once said cops have to tell you they’re police if you ask them to and that’s a bold faced lie. Remember that. However, if you’re worried about her being the fuzz, you could always ask her to do something horribly humiliating but not illegal. For instance, tell her you want her to pose for nude photos or that you’d like to watch her pee. As far as I know that shit’s kosher and probably few officers are dedicated enough to the job to do that for a bust.
Now that there’s no chance that she’s a cop flying around, feel free to negotiate for some nasty, awful, diseasy sex. Unlike escorts and Wal mart, you can haggle with a hooker. Maybe you want 12 minutes of a blowjob plus a finger in your butt, that sounds like $20 to me. Have fun with it and remember, you’re probably infected with an STD now. And probably she could still be a dude.