How to Propose to Your Girlfriend

Proposing to your girlfriend can be a tricky proposition.   But with a cumulative 18 total divorces between us, the FunnyCrave staff knows a thing or two about it.  And now, we’re going to share that knowledge with you.

But what if you think you don’t want to propose to your girlfriend?  You’re happy with your relationship as it is, you say.  Look, do you see that picture up there?  That’s Michael Bolton and he is all that is man.  If you don’t get your lady tied down as soon as possible, he will swoop in and take her.  Do you want to lose your woman to Michael Bolton?  No, you don’t, so keep reading.

Pick a Kick Ass Setting

When proposing, it’s essential that you find a location that your lady will always remember.  As you can see, I’ve used the Armada Battle Scene from the Transformers cartoon.  This is the very definition of memorable, but good luck booking a location like that.  It’s probably been booked for years in advance.

Instead, try something you’re both familiar with, like the site of your first date or a favorite vacation spot or the local public health clinic where you first realized you’d be together forever because one of you gave the other herpes thereby severely diminishing your future dating options.  Awkward!

Make a Scene

Women love attention, they wouldn’t have boobs if they didn’t.  So when popping the question, make sure to really play it up and make a spectacle of yourself.  You’ll want to pick a time when a lot of people are around.  Fifty is good, thousands is even better.

We realize this may conflict with making sure the setting in which you propose is a memorable one if that place isn’t usually jam packed with spectators.  If that’s the case, try alerting the media or calling the police and reporting a bomb threat or hostage situation ahead of time.

Once you have a captive audience on hand, get everyone’s attention by yelling something romantic at the top of your lungs like “I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!” or “CAN I HAVE EVERYONE’S ATTENTION PLEASE?” or “SORRY BITCH, SOMETIMES THE CONDOM BREAKS, DEAL WITH IT!”.  And now that you have all eyes on you…

Plan Your Words Carefully

This is by far the most important part.  You don’t want to screw this up by losing your train of thought and saying something completely unrelated to proposing marriage.  This is no time for talk about sports or movies or that kind of slutty friend of hers that you think would be down for a three way if you could just get her drunk enough.  All of these things, while unspeakably awesome, are completely counterproductive to the task at hand.

Consider writing your speech on your hand like that retarded woman from Alaska who wants to be President.  But unlike her, make sure what you are talking about makes sense and will not ultimately lead to the destruction of all life on Earth.

If you’re unsure what to write, perhaps try taking some tips from whatever queer music she’s into.  Celine Dion or Michael Buble or Susan Boyle or some shit.  Or maybe John Mayer.  Chicks dig John Mayer.  Try crafting a wedding proposal out of this famous John Mayer quote:

“My dick is sort of like a white supremacist.  I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock.  I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”

Ok, clearly that guy is fucking crazy.  Forget we brought this up.  Make up your own words.

What to Do If She Says No

Despite your best efforts, there may be a chance that you will be shot right the fuck down.  Broads be trippin’.  You know how it is.  If that happens, here’s what you do.

• Don’t overreact.
• Don’t react at all, actually.
• If possible, don’t say anything.
• Wait patiently.  The first person to speak loses.  Just like selling a car.
• When she does finally speak, interrupt with uproarious laughter.
• Tell her you were just joking.
• Sob loudly.
• Fall to the floor.
• Assume the fetal position.
• Wet your pants.
• Drive home recklessly.  Get drunk if necessary
• Stop shaving.  Or showering.  Or changing clothes.
• Lose your job.
• Get evicted.
• Live on the streets.
• After a few months, decide to turn your life around.
• Get a high paying job and new wardrobe.
• Buy a car.  An expensive one.
• Casually bump into your ex somewhere and let her know how well you’re doing.  She will regret ever turning you down.
• Get her best friend pregnant.
• Leave the country.
• Your work is now done.