How To Be a Female Pop Star in 8 Easy Steps

Pop stars seem to have some of the best lives around. Female pop stars have it even better. By simply having a vagina and singing songs about it, you are allowed to do and say damn near anything and the public will just let it slide because your misfortune is pretty funny.  If you follow these 8 easy steps, you too can be a famous walking catastrophe.

Step 1: Your First Album

Your first album is easily your most important. It’s the one where you present yourself to the world and tell everyone in it that your morals are negotiable, your songs are generic, and that sex with you would satisfy every male’s deep desire to be a pedophile. Why a pedophile? Because as a modern day female pop star, you are 17 years old.

Seventeen is a good age for a female pop star. Your music gets plastered all over pop radio so you can corner the frivolous asshole market. Also, your music will be played in-between Disney channel movies so you can corner the soon-to-be frivolous asshole market. On top of all that, being a 17 year old sex symbol allows you to corner the undersexed 18-35 year old male demographic. These are the type of males that take breaks from working out the coding of your “Until she turns 18” clock by photoshopping your face onto the body of a porn star in mid-rim job.

But back to the album.

The lyrics should be sweet and innocent with an undercurrent of whore that is bubbling up to the surface, ready to explode outward like a chest popper from Alien.

Also, the lyrics should be the most daft and trite words ever committed to paper. Perhaps have a song that plays out as a cell phone conversation with your best girlfriend as she asks if you will be going to the party later that night. To this you will respond with something to the affect of “You know it, girl. I likez to get down like that!” The song will be titled “I Getz Down.”

It will suck.

It will be a hit.

Step 2: The Sophomore Effort (AKA,Empowerment)

After a whirlwind world tour that saw you play second fiddle to a veteran female pop star that is nearly 8 x’s your age, it will be time to record your second album.

Remember that undercurrent of whore from the first album? Well, now that undercurrent has grown in to a raging rapid of dicks being hurled your way. (You are 18 now, after all.) Why not show the world that you truly are a sexual being that demands to be taken seriously as you crank out song after song loaded with not-so-masqueraded references to your eager vagina.

For instance, the song that made you a huge hit on your first album (“I Getz Down”) told the tale of going to a party. On your second album, however, you should take this concept and expand upon it. Now, not only are you ultra-excited to go to this party, but you can’t wait until the boy you like tries to slip his fingers in to some part of your body because you did everything just short of cramming them in here yourself. At this point, the song will transform in an anthem of female empowerment. One that takes a firm stance against the objectification of women, and rails against the idea of women as sexual meat puppets.

Here are some suggestions for lyrics that will best exemplify the overall messages you are trying to get across for the new, more mature you:

“I got my thong sitting right, I’m gonna ride you all night”

And…

“If you touch me, I swear to God I will fucking sue you”

You want to come off as a crazed fuck-beast, but at the same time you want to tell the world that you are an un-rapeable fuck-beast.

Step 3: Give the Controversial Performance of a Life Time

By this point, you will become a staple of MTV culture even though your videos have never been aired on MTV due to what the MTV executives deem a “general lack of interest in the shit we shovel in to the gaping public maw.”

Seeing as it will be the only time your music will actually be played on MTV, you will need to make your VMA performance as memorable as possible. To do this you will need to crank up the controversy.

Right in the middle of the performance that is being broadcast live all over the world you will step behind a large, thin, backlit curtain. The audience sees nothing but your silhouette. Once there, you will mime dropping a shit on a dude’s chest.

The closer this performance is to prime time the better. You need those impressionable 8-year-old girl eyes watching this so their mothers will nearly suffocate them under a pillow in an attempt to obscure their view of you most certainly dropping a shit on a man’s chest.

You will play this off by saying that the entire thing was just a visual metaphor for female empowerment. When that fails, your explanation will change to “We messed up our cues. He was supposed to shit on me.”

You will now officially be taken seriously by all of the critics that previously panned you for being too “safe” and “not being brave enough to shit on some dude’s chest.”

Regardless of what happens next, you will always be considered a hero to the all important fecalfeliac demographic. These are the same people that will eventually vote you in to the Rock’n’Roll Hall of Fame.

Step 4: Get a Shitty Boyfriend

Now that you have solidified your mega-star status that has as much substance as there is substance in a hunk of your own poop on a man’s chest, it’s time for the next stage: showing people that you are a whore that is willing to settle for the first rank and trashy piece of dick that passes by. This will let all of your pedophilic fans know that they actually had a chance with you all this time because, well, just look at that guy you’re with! What a douche!

This douchey boyfriend must be one of two types of men:

1)      Redneck – an absolutely awful slice of human life. If aliens were to visit earth to have a discussion with 1 billion of our best and brightest, not only would The Redneck not be selected, but we’d try to get the aliens to drop him off somewhere in the vicinity of the sun. “Sun-ish,” we’d tell the aliens as we attempted to hold back our laughter and conceal our high-fives.

2)      The Junkie – This man has done so much heroin in his life that his body can process a poppy seed muffin in to pure heroin. He will then offer to sweat in your eyeballs so you can get high. You will accept because…well…because sweating heroin is actually kind of amazing.

Once you get one of these two boyfriends, you should record and photograph everything you two do together – sex, making music, heroin sweating. Everything.  This is how you will remain popular. Popular with children.

Step 5: Get Hooked on a Drug

Yeah, we only specified one boyfriend as being a druggy – “The Junkie” – but regardless of which you would have chosen, you were destined to get hooked on something.

Whether it be crushed and snorted baby aspirins, or the smoothification* of industrial strength tar remover, you should get hooked something. It will keep you thin, and it will ensure that you make regular visits to the dentist because there will probably be some major tooth loss, as well as a general loss in the weight of your internal organs. Those dropped pounds add up, baby!! :P

*“Smoothification” is a word we just made up that means “to turn in to a smoothie.” Like Jamba Juice…but with drugs

Step 6: Rehab

After your body has become a hotbed of viral disease, and has shriveled up to the point where you have less volume than a bratwurst, you’ll probably need to get some help. Check yourself in to a 5-star resort of a rehab clinic and work your shit out.

Tell them about your abusive relationships with your managers, your boyfriend, your parents, the split personality that your seriously sick brain has created to help handle all of your mounting problems (yes, even this split personality abuses you) – you tell them all about all of that, then tie the drug stuff in (you are going to continue using them anyway, so it’s not like it matters). You have to keep your cool, you’re a pop star, not Christopher Goddamn Cross. He sucks. You don’t (You do).  Remember that.

Step 7: The Comeback Album

Formally you

After your life has turned in to a greater train wreck than a planet consisting entirely of train wrecks that gets obliterated by a space train, you are ready to show the world that all of those drugs you injected in to your vocal chords only did mild to moderate permanent damage.

On this album there will be a song about drugs that is wrapped in a terrible metaphor about loving a bird so much that you want to inject it in your veins. (Even you know this is a shitty metaphor). There will be a song about how tough life can be when you are constantly being followed by paparazzi. It will also be about how tough life can be when you have to blow a member of the paparazzi to make sure he will keep taking pictures of you, even after you get fat and bitter.

There will even be a song called “I’m Back.” This song is self-explanatory. It’s about you returning to the place where you murdered a guy. It’s a metaphor. That or you murdered a guy and you wrote a song about it.

Step 8: Be honored

You did it. You’re a star, kid! You’ve made it to the tip-top and you’re never coming down. This is it! You’re being presented with MTV’s lifetime achievement award.

You will take the stage with tears streaming down your face. The standing ovation from the crowd of your peers will make it impossible to say your first, tear-laden words.

When you finally get to speak you will thank your mother, your father, your boyfriend, and, most importantly, the fans. The fans that made it all happen.

You are now a true legend. A star by every stretch of the figurative term. You – YES, YOU! – have received a life time achievement award…at the age of 23.

If you follow these steps, then you too will be able to live a life free of all those old and contrived constraints like “talent” and “skill.” That shit’s played out.