Adam Lambert’s For Your Entertainment: Judging An Album By Its Cover
They say you should never judge a book by its cover. Because we respect our elders, we take that antiquated idea to heart. But notice, it mentions nothing about music. Therefore, we reserve the right to judge any and every album in the history of recorded music based solely on the images that inhabit that album’s cover. Today, we pass judgment on For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert.
Luis: I feel like it’s 1985 again because my penis is very confused as to whether it should be standing at attention or cowering in fear of this he-she. Also because I was a baby in 1985 and most things confused me back then. I believe that if you traveled back to 1985 and showed me this album cover I would have expressed my displeasure by pooping on myself.
Adam: If Ruben Studdard swallowed Clay Aiken whole and then took a dump two hours later and that dump was shot off into space, this is what that dump would look like.
Luis: Without having heard a single track from the album I can assume that there’s probably going to be a lot of laser sounds and references to interplanetary traveling vessels, all of which will somehow be squeezed in to rhyme schemes involving thinly veiled metaphor about the hardships of banging another dude while floating in a zero-G environment.
Fortey: Actually, all the songs in some way relate to a giant, tranny head in space. It’s a very bold concept album reminiscent of Ziggy Stardust, which you’ll recall as being the first concept album about space-faring transsexuals. So, your guess is pretty accurate.
Adam: I can’t believe Bowie never recorded any tranny spacehead concept albums. This Lambert guy is clearly on top of his stuff. Probably the only thing he’s ever been on top of in his life. Ha! AM I RIGHT?!?!?!?!?
Fortey: Naturally, if you’re talking giant space heads you’re getting into the territory of the original Transformers movie, featuring Unicron who was voiced by Orson Welles. So basically Adam Lambert has made a transsexual tribute to Orson Welles. If anyone wants to make a joke about what “rosebud” means, now’s the time.
Adam: I think it…
Fortey: It’s a pretty clear reference to anus is what it is.
Adam: Right.
Luis: I was under the impression that this guy lost American Idol. How did he still get the grand prize of becoming the Star Child that will represent humanity in the pan-galactic all male humanoid revue? That seems rather unfair to that guy that actually won.
Adam: If I remember correctly, the other guy was from Arkansas. That probably explains why he didn’t get the gig. Scientific studies have shown that nobody is actually from Arkansas. What I’m saying is, Kris Allen doesn’t actually exist. He was a hologram projected onto the show by Adam Lambert’s space handlers. Having an intergalactic cross dresser win American Idol was way more controversy than Fox was willing to deal with.
Luis: I’ll never understand the politics behind the pan-galactic all male humanoid revue.
Fortey: This album cover seems kind of threatening. Look at space in the background, those gas clouds and the light. On Star Trek, this giant Lambert head would be moments away from holding the Enterprise in place with some manner of gay tractor beam and then thoroughly probing Spock’s mind. And probably a few ensigns would die in the process.
Luis: The crazy thing about it is that the picture was actually taken in space. The shutter snapped at the precise moment Adam Lambert realized that there’s no oxygen in space and that humans can’t eat dark matter. In space, no one can hear you suck.
Adam: Yeah, but, would that really be a bad thing? It would make things way easier, discretion wise.
Luis: That’s not the kind of suck I was referring to, but you’re totally right.
Fortey: The other creepy thing (of which there are obviously many) is that vague, tiny bit of neck flesh that seems to indicate Lambert would be naked if he weren’t disembodied. Like maybe his body is in another dimension, but naked. But he has on gloves, and do you know why? So as not to leave fingerprints.
Adam: But they’re finger gloves.
Fortey: And do you know why? Because he secretly wants to be caught. For whatever nefarious, nude, intergalactic crimes he’s committing, he wants the inter-dimensional tranny vice squad to know it’s him and maybe put a stop to him once and for all since he can’t stop himself.
Adam: Well that’s creepy.
Fortey: Actually, the creepiest thing is the massive airbrushing that seems to have taken place. It’s like we’re witnessing what would happen if Adam Lambert were present at the Big Bang with an infinite number of copies of Photoshop, and they all merged into one massive, over-edited photo-op.
Adam: We, as a website, could do all kinds of comedy damage with Photoshop skills like those on our side. We’d have, like, unicorns with fire shooting out of their horns and gypsy drummers using sticks made from the Elephant Man’s bones and stuff. It wouldn’t be good damage, but damage nonetheless.
Luis: This picture really reminds me of something. I can’t quite put my finger on it. Got it! It’s a picture from the set of the live action film adaptation of the 80s animated TV show Jem. I hear Adam’s playing a character that wasn’t in the original TV show. Captain Starlight Von Rocksberg, a mysterious glam-synth-pop mega-star with a keyboard capable of rocking the worlds’ volcanoes in to a simultaneous violent eruption. This coupled with his mind-warping pitched voice and his Han-Solo-For-Tweens attitude makes Von Rocksberg either a worthy adversary or a trusty ally. That movie’s gonna rock.
Adam: I’d go see it. Jem was all sorts of hot.
Fortey: I’m glad the title of this album is “for your entertainment” because this could clearly be called “death from above” or “I see you in your sleep” or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and the image would certainly play along. Then again, who knows what Lambert finds entertaining.
Adam: More importantly, what does he think we find entertaining? I shudder to think.
Monday, November 2, 2009 11:15AM
Adam is already like close to 30 years old. He is no spring chicken. Britney started when she was very young and Lady Gaga is like 23 years old. He is starting to late to be a POP star. POP stars are young, not old.
Monday, November 2, 2009 12:00PM
You say YOUR penis is confused? Are you sure you even have one? Oh, that's right. Yours is the sampler like those little bottles you find at the liquor store. I've seen some rude blogs, but this takes the cake.
Monday, November 2, 2009 12:08PM
You guys are too funny. Campy is fun. Adam and his music is fun. It's all good.
Monday, November 2, 2009 12:12PM
As a really big Adam Lambert fan, I'd like to thank you for the laughs. Sure, some will be highly offended, but I speak fluent sarcasm, and isn't the tongue-in-cheekiness of this article what comedy is all about? Even the cover you're lampooning is tongue-in-cheek (and don't get me started on where the tongue inside that massive galactic head has been). Adam himself has said the cover is meant to be "campy and IS ridiculous." So thanks for the morning shits and giggles, well, not the Ruben Studdard shits, that I could definitely live without. "For Your Entertainment" album release is November 23rd, so Planet Earth, get ready for "a mysterious glam-synth-pop mega-star with a keyboard capable of rocking the worlds’ volcanoes in to a simultaneous violent eruption."
Monday, November 2, 2009 12:31PM
Right on Dudes! You guys rock and nailed it!! LOL!!!!!!!
What a joke this guy is!
Monday, November 2, 2009 1:08PM
What a bunch of idiots.
Listen to his music on this album when it is released, and then come back and make intelligent reviews.
Monday, November 2, 2009 1:18PM
As a really big Adam Lambert fan, and one who speaks fluent sarcasm, I'd like to thank you for starting my day off with some sh*ts and giggles, though I could have lived without the visual of Ruben Studdard's sh*ts. I'm sure some will find some of the article offensive, but that is what tongue-in-cheek humor is about (don't even get me started on where the tongue's been in that giant intergalactic head). Adam Lambert's album, "For Your Entertainment," will be released on November 23rd, so Planet Earth, be prepared for "a mysterious glam-synth-pop mega-star with a keyboard capable of rocking the worlds’ volcanoes in to a simultaneous violent eruption."
Monday, November 2, 2009 1:59PM
Yeech! Leave the album cover reviews to the experts and the satire to The Onion. "Tranny" jokes are very 2006. I thought they disappeared with Brooke Hogan and that skinny guy who won Project Runway a couple of seasons ago. Seriously. Not cool.
Monday, November 2, 2009 2:28PM
I know the author meant to be clever, but actually what came through was very juvenile. Art is not for everyone, one must be "artistically " enlightened enough to grasp and appreciate the message the artist is sending, it's clear "that" quality was not present here. Instead of tongue in cheek clever sarcasm, you've managed a Bevis and Butthead dialog that reflect more on the author, than the object of the authors attention. The writer of this piece has baked a sh*tcake and served it to his readers, my bet is, he's surprised no one cares for the recipe….. .
Monday, November 2, 2009 3:04PM
Until I hear Adam Lambert's opinion on this review, I don't care what anyone says. Stop judging us! We're just trying to make wholesome reviews of albums we've never heard and likely never will hear!
Also, anyone else put off by the dude who said Luis' penis is a "sampler"?
Monday, November 2, 2009 3:16PM
You're right, Ian. I'm am saddened by the "sampler" comment. I'm saddened because my penis is NOT like a little sample bottle of liquor. It's more like those single serving wine bottles that come four to a pack in that my penis is really thin at one point, then it just explodes outward and becomes very fat. Also, I have four of them.
Monday, November 2, 2009 3:21PM
Everybody uses Adam's name to get readers. Lambert's album was listened to and reviewed by L. Parker of Reality Rocks Yahoo Music Blog. Three tracks reviewed-magnificant praise, then entire CD listened too and it is all fantastic. I don't like the retro cover, tho it is the kind of artwork done back then, only because the confident, poised, articulate, intelligent, gutsy,creative,outgoing, stylish,cultured,smoking hottie , thusly sexy, Lambert deserves better-and yeah, it is all personality qualities which make one sexy and if missing -no matter the looks and talent -ya just ain't sexy. Lambert got it goin on and now you know we we glamberts are addicted to him.
Monday, November 2, 2009 3:54PM
HAHA hysterical. Huge Glambert fan here. Adam is only 27 and he is a top. He has said so himself on numerous occasions. Check out For Your Entertainment which is the lead single off the CD and is available sometime today on Itunes or you can give it a listen on Adam official. Really cool, dance techno song.
Monday, November 2, 2009 3:58PM
I'd just like to point out, again, that the bulk of our review deals with he implicit belief that Lambert was in space when this photo was taken.
Monday, November 2, 2009 11:07AM
YOU GUYS ARE DUMB ADAM IS AMAZING AND STOP TRASHING MY IDOLS YOU HAVE NO RIGHT YOU GUYS ARE NOBODYS OK STOP MAKING FUN OF ADAM!!!!!!!!
Monday, November 2, 2009 4:09PM
Adam Lambert has never been in space. However, with his excessive use of hallucinogenics, one may be drawn to that conclusion.
Monday, November 2, 2009 4:13PM
Yeah guys, for real, stop making fun of me. One accidental shart at a Christmas party and you jerks never let me hear the end of it.
Monday, November 2, 2009 4:15PM
If this was supposed to be fun, you FAIL!!!!
Monday, November 2, 2009 4:44PM
I laughed till I stopped…about a nanosecond later. This was so lame. I'm not interested in Adam Lambert or anything American Idol but I am interested in humor. And this wasn't it.
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:16PM
How old r u guys? ima guess 13. . . beavis and butthead are propably ur idols!
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:16PM
Adam has the most amazing voice I've ever heard….I don't care what his album cover looks like, it's what's on the inside that I want!
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:26PM
Are Beavis and Butthead really that big with 13 year olds? That show is at least 20 years old.
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:35PM
Ha ha ha! Fart Starts at the Christmas Party never get old!
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:36PM
Our apologies sir, this wasn't what you ordered at all, sir. Perhaps you'd like to peruse our menu for something more to your liking. We have a fine article on lesbian haircuts, a little something about rolling meth labs – are you in a rush today, sir?
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:38PM
Maybe ironic 13 year olds. Kids who are like Juno in that movie. What was it called? Juno? Who reference things they likely never come across in real life to seem edgy and unique.
I for one believe neither Beavis nor Butthead would ever use the phrase "inter-galactic tranny vice squad" but what do I know?
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:38PM
ADAM IS THE GRETEST IDOL EVER!!!!!!!!! NOONE CANT STOP ADAM!!!!!!!YOU GUYS ARE ALL A BUNCH OF LOOSERS THAT DONT NO WHAT U R TALKING ABOUT!!!!
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:39PM
Hey, you're Cuban? Do you know Luis? He's Mexican, too.
That aside, no sir. This was not supposed to be fun. This was deadly serious. Deadly. Serious.
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:44PM
Uh, oh Luis Prada. The squeaky wheel squeaks. So it's YOUR penis that's like a sampler bottle of liquor. Just enough to tease, but leaves you wanting more. I was wondering which of you three it was I was getting that vibe from. BTW. Here's another example of why you're right when you say your penis is confused. I'm not a dude.
And to the co-writer of this blog Adam. You don't deserve to have to have the same first name as our glam-rock sex god, Glambert.
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:48PM
ADAM IS THE BEST EVER IDOL!!!! YOU GUYS ARE LOOSERS!!!!
Monday, November 2, 2009 5:59PM
You two a–holes wouldn't know TALANT<, CREATIVITY<,INDIVIDUALISM<, and BRAVERY<, If it jumped up and bit you in your simple mined ASSES, Welcome to the NEW World! If you two Homophobes had lived thirty years ago, You would probably be writing the same crap about different races Getting married!
Monday, November 2, 2009 6:06PM
WHY R U GUYS DELETING MY POSTS?!!!! YOU R ALL LOOSERS! ADAM RULES THE UNIVERSE!!!!
Monday, November 2, 2009 12:06PM
You’re right. I don’t know what talant is. Mostly because I don’t know what “TALANT” is.
Monday, November 2, 2009 6:17PM
Huh huh, you said squad.
Monday, November 2, 2009 12:23PM
We’re not. They’re all there.
Monday, November 2, 2009 6:24PM
Well then you'll really be pissed to know that most of my friends call me "Glambert."
Monday, November 2, 2009 6:35PM
No one can't stop him? So…we can stop him? Is he the Juggernaut or something? I didn't mean to stop him or anything. If I slowed him down a little, I apologize.
Also, I am no longer as loose as I once was, thank you.
Monday, November 2, 2009 6:36PM
Ha ha, you two are homophobes. I'm accepting of gay culture.
Monday, November 2, 2009 12:44PM
Hey guys,
Just wanted to chime in with my completely unwanted and ill-thought-out opinion.
The article is solid. Very solid. I have yet to read something that was not awesome from any of you guys and I’ve been reading since before Prada started to write with you.
Please, do yourselves a favour and ignore the whiney glambert-tweens (who should all be in class right about now anyway..)
Also, no matter what anyone says, any tranny and/or anus joke will always, I repeat always be topical.
Monday, November 2, 2009 6:52PM
Metamucil is our friend. ;)
Monday, November 2, 2009 6:56PM
As is Preparation H.
Monday, November 2, 2009 12:56PM
An afterthought:
How is it possible that this many people stumble on a site called “FunnyCrave.com”, see an article entitled “Adam Lambert’s For Your Entertainment: Judging An Album By Its Cover”, read said article and are presumably to find a humorous article with very little “review” content. It’s in the goddamnd title!
Christ, I hate people.
Also, Luis, despite the odd shape and small nature of your dong, hang in there, some chicks really dig the taste of wine.
Monday, November 2, 2009 1:03PM
Well, since Adam is The Glittery Alien from Planet Fierce, it’s entirely possible that he was in space when the picture was taken. But even from that point of view, your review is silly at best. The Beavis & Butthead comparison was spot on, actually, so even though you act like 13-year olds, you are probably just immature old guys. Or you’ve been watching a lot of B & B reruns. Either way, I was bored.
Monday, November 2, 2009 7:04PM
Confromunist, man of logic and reason.
You, sir, will be apart of our entourage one day. You can be the guy that beats up the guy that says we suck.
Oh, and the girls that like my tiny wine bottle shaped dong do exist. They're called winos.
Monday, November 2, 2009 7:18PM
You are so right, these guys are idiots and i cannot wait to see when adam's album goes to number one!
Monday, November 2, 2009 1:22PM
[...] Judging An Album By Its Cover [...]
Monday, November 2, 2009 1:27PM
Well, I definitely see the resemblance, intentional or not, to Beavis and Butthead, in your psuedo- repartee. Whilst admitting to being a complete fan of Lambert, the man and his music, I didn’t care for this cover when I first glanced at it. However, in light of what Adam said about it himself, it works.It’s refreshing to also note that Ian here acknowleges that he has no control, whatsoever, of the juggernaut that IS Lambert.As for judging merely by covers…who cares? Art, like music, is so subjective.. A photo, a painting, a song, etc, is in the mind of the beholder.While remaining a diehard Adam fan, based on his mad vocals alone, if not his awesome charisma and looks as well, I see how Adam (or anyone else for that matter) can be exploited for your amusement.And in the context of the title of this post, I suppose some of your comments are (yawn) a trifle bit amusing.But just barely.BTW and FYI, Adam has said in various interviews, that he is a “top”, and that he has had oral sex with and loves to kiss women. All in all, I daresay he is much more masculine (and definitely better hung!) than any of you that stand in judgement.But, one gets their jollies where they can, right? Enjoy while Adam also laughs….all the way to the bank. ; ) Buh-bye.
Monday, November 2, 2009 7:46PM
Thanks Luis,
I'd love to be the one to dish out the pain for you guys, as long as your targets are either the elderly, small children, malnourished or otherwise disabled in some way. Judging by the negative comments (namely the one's that feature words like "LOOSERS!!!" or "talant"), the current potential targets seem to be fairly disabled.
I'll begin the beat-downs ASAP. I expect payment in funny and boob pictures.
Monday, November 2, 2009 7:51PM
Oh Ian Ian Ian, you can dish it out but you can't take it. Grow a thicker skin or be less vindictive with your reviews, when you attack Adam, you attack millions of fans, and they've all got long black nails and sharp tongues. Lighten up we're just reviewing your review, …………no malice intended.
Monday, November 2, 2009 8:06PM
@Nino,
Heads up!!
Michael Jackson,aka King of POP,was almost 51 and planning a huge tour when he died.
You need a new theory,my friend!
Monday, November 2, 2009 2:10PM
[...] Adam Lambert’s For Your Entertainment: Judging An Album By Its Cover (FunnyCrave) [...]
Monday, November 2, 2009 8:13PM
Oh man, you were so close to being the first person who actually got this article, then you hit an oral sex roadblock. Yes, who cares about judging an album by the cover? Why would anyone do that? It's almost..preposterous!
Monday, November 2, 2009 8:31PM
Preposterous, and dare I say, comical? Perhaps, sartorial, even?
All joking aside, these comments have made my day. If I didn't have a reason to feel superior to others before, I have about 30 of them now.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009 3:47AM
Wow, you two are dumb. This is a comedy website, and you two are obviously too full of yourselves (or Adam, take your pick) to take a ribbing in good humor.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009 9:01AM
The article was fine and all, but goddamn guys, these comments more than made up for the lack of knock-out funny. I almost died reading some of these, they are so pointless.
God, do I love reading what stupid people have to say. God bless you, stupid people.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009 4:15AM
[...] Judging An Album By It’s Cover. [Funny Crave] [...]
Wednesday, November 4, 2009 12:10AM
He's gay?! No way!!
But the album cover proves it.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009 4:25PM
The numbers you are using here to judge, Nino, are age only, not sales. Sales figures is what counts. At almost 28, Adam has not" crept" or climbed onto the music scene, but has blasted onto it! This is an engine that doesn't use steam or gasoline to build velocity but rather, nuclear fusion! Watch for the Adam Bomb! Blast off time has arrived! The "red button" has been pushed, too late to turn back! XD
Wednesday, November 4, 2009 5:28PM
Yes, I can't take it, as evidenced by the tirade in the comment I posted. I'm very sensitive as you can see. Clearly our serious, deeply thought out review of this album has been besmirched by fans who we have been attacking for liking Adam Lambert and the merits of our valid points have been lost in the fray because you just refuse to listen to the truth and it angers me and everyone else who works here. You know me better than I know myself.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009 5:55PM
Shut up, queer!
Thursday, November 5, 2009 11:01AM
[...] you’re a regular reader of Funny Crave, then you’re probably familiar with this past Monday’s Adam Lambert-centric “Judging and Album by its Cover” article in which we duped both tweens and elderly American Idol fans in to thinking that we were a [...]
Saturday, November 7, 2009 2:21AM
Haha! Talant…..