A Practical Guide to Slapping Other People’s Kids In PublicBy Adam Tod Brown
Don’t front, when you read earlier this week that some old curmudgeon smacked the taste out of some kid’s mouth at Walmart, deep in your heart, you could sympathize. Who among us hasn’t been there? You’re just trying to shop in peace when, out of nowhere, some lunatic kindergartner starts wreaking havoc on the already fragile sense of decorum that exists in any grocery or department store. One minute, you’re contemplating which series of shitty Banquet frozen meals will carry you through those last few days until payday, the next, you’re having your eardrums traumatized by the high pitched banshee-like wailing of some tot who won’t relax until mom agrees to let them eat Skittles for dinner (again). It’s enough to drive a person to, well, smack a strange kid at Walmart. We get it. We don’t recommend it, but we get it. Should you choose to travel down that questionable path, at least follow these steps to minimize the inevitable public outcry.
Slapping a complete stranger’s kid is a dicey move. For one thing, there’s no guarantee that you’re going to achieve your goal. Shockingly, when confronted with a smack to the grill, most kids just get even more riled up. Sure, they may fall into a brief moment of silent disbelief upon realizing they are playing the Rihanna to your Chris Brown. But after that, they’re just going to explode all over again. Not to mention the fact that, if anyone sees you do it, you’re probably going to be arrested (best case scenario) or beaten to a bloody pulp by a group of angry soccer moms (worst case scenario, unless they’re all hot). So plan accordingly. Avoid cameras. This is not the kind of thing you want posted on YouTube or your local news or some shit. And be sure to make your move when nobody is looking. Maybe yelling something like “hey, asshole, you just totally smacked that kid and now you’re running in the opposite direction of the exits!” might be a good idea. This way, people will think you just saw the crime go down as opposed to being the actual criminal. Hopefully, the crowd will dart off in the direction you point them to. That would be a good time to flee the scene.
If that guy in Georgia has taught us anything, it’s that old people are assholes. But beyond that, he also taught us that hanging around and saying shit like “I told you I’d shut your kid up!” after you’ve just smacked a strange kid is a poor strategy. You just battered a child, you didn’t return an interception to the 3 yard line. This is no time for displays of arrogance. Like we said in step one, get the hell outta dodge, because shit is about to get tense.
Make It Look Like an Accident
If at all possible, try to make your assault and battery look unintentional. Maybe spin around to have one last look at the beef jerky selection while extending your arm to reach for something. And then, mid-spin…OOPS! FACIAL! The parents are still going to be irate, but it will be more about your carelessness and less about your cold hearted willingness to beat up children. Sure, it’s not going to be nearly as satisfying, but there will be a whole lot less hell to pay afterwards. In case you’re confused by the picture that accompanies this entry, don’t be. We just assume dudes like Spencer Pratt only happen as a result of horrible accidents.
Don’t Go Interracial
In most cases, recommending that you keep your socializing within your own particular race is just absurd. It’s damn near 2010, with very few exceptions (Fox News viewers), we as a people are past that kind of thinking. But trust, this is different. You’re not bringing your black girlfriend home to meet your charmingly ignorant grand parents, you’re dispensing swift justice to an unruly six year old. There are a completely different set of rules at work here. You’re going to be in enough hot water as it is, the last thing you want is to get Al Sharpton involved. Sorry, but if you and the object of your intended smack down don’t share a skin color, you’re just going to have to keep your cool. Seriously, it’s for the best.
On Second Thought
This is actually all pretty horrible advice. Forget we brought it up. Don’t hit other people’s kids.