9 Completely Retarded “Sexy” Halloween Costumes
By Cole Gamble
Halloween is almost upon us again. And you know what that means…well, very little if you’re a childless adult. If you do have kids, it means you’ll send them out to fend for themselves for a few hours while knocking on strange people’s doors. And then there are those of us that, despite being way too old to give a shit, still decide that dressing up for Halloween is a great idea. And that’s fine, we don’t care. But please, if you do decide to dress up and leave the house, try to avoid these costumes at all costs. They really aren’t a good look.
The Sexy Snake Charmer
What You’re Trying to Say
“My penis is long and exotic. I also am funny.”
What You’re Actually Saying
“I know nothing about the Middle East. Plus my penis spits venom.”
Sexy Freddy Kreuger
What You’re Trying to Say
From the website: Your victims won’t have to fall asleep to make you their dream girl!
What You’re Actually Saying
“If by ‘dream’ you mean ‘slice your penis up like a carrot’ than yes, I am your dream girl.”
Sexy Bee Costume
What You’re Trying to Say
“BEE-have or I’ll slap you on the BEE-hind”
What You’re Actually Saying
“Hey, you wanna fuck a bee?” Alright, maybe this one is kind of awesome.
Plug and Socket
What You’re Trying to Say
“I know how sex works.”
What You’re Actually Saying
“You stab the girl in the chest with your two-pronged penis, right?”
Sexy Indian
What You’re Trying to Say
“I’m Pocahontas. Get it? POKE-ahontas?”
What You’re Actually Saying
“Racial insensitivity really gets me off.”
Sexy Male Cop
What You’re Trying to Say
“I got fired by the force for too many ‘accidental discharges’.”
What You’re Actually Saying
“You wouldn’t happen to have a brother, would ya?”
Sexy Clown
What You’re Trying to Say
“I’d like to help you conquer you fear of clowns…
What You’re Actually Saying
…with my clown car-like vagina.”
Cherry Pie Eater
What You’re Trying to Say
“Heh, heh…read it again.”
What You’re Actually Saying
“You might as well call the police now. “
Sexy Nemo
What You’re Trying to Say
“I don’t get the point of sexy costumes.”
What You’re Actually Saying
“When you’re done fucking that bee, wanna fuck a fish?” Fine, this one is kind of awesome too.
Read more from Cole Gamble at his site, Fun With Cole.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009 11:37AM
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Saturday, November 21, 2009 11:11PM
I like how in trying to disparage these Halloween costumes, you ultimately end up saying "Nevermind, I think skimpy Halloween costumes are awesome, too." Good one, slick.
Monday, November 30, 2009 5:36AM
Actually he was just showing you a few stupid sexy costumes, not saying that sexy costumes in general are stupid. But on the positive, I liked your use of the name slick. ; )