7 Products You Should Never Buy GenericBy Adam Tod Brown
Anyone whose formative years happened during the 1980′s almost certainly remembers the golden age of generic products. Back then, it wasn’t just “store brand” vs. “name brand.” It was “name brand” vs. “store brand” vs. “that creepy white label with the black letters.” You remember that white label. It usually just said something like “meat” or “sauce” or “food” on it. If you walked into a friend’s kitchen and saw that white label, you knew there was abject poverty afoot.
But over time, generic products were kind of absorbed by the store brand products and eventually became more socially acceptable. And we’re certainly ok with that, because we’re poor. But with that said, there are some things that you absolutely cannot buy generic. The money you save won’t be worth the drop off in quality. Here are seven of those products.
Just a few short years ago, mp3 players were high tech gadgets that only the hippest among us possessed. Now, they’re as readily available as promotional pens from an insurance agent. They’re everywhere. There is a good chance that you could leave the house now, run a few errands, and return with a pocketful of mp3 players and never know how you got them.
Despite their ready availability, people still purchase mp3 players like crazy. And that’s fine if you’re buying an iPod or a Zune or an iRiver or whatever the hell else. Those are all respectable devices that should serve you well for years to come. But then, there are the “mp3 players.” You’ll know of what we speak, because “mp3 player” is all it will say on the label. Flip the packaging around, search all you want, but most likely you’ll never find a brand name. You know what else you won’t find? Enjoyment.
There are a few guarantees with a generic mp3 player. It will have shitty headphones, it will have an interface that is so basic that it borders on being impossible to navigate, it will run on Duracell batteries, it will require software that is only compatible with Windows 98 and it will cost approximately six dollars at your local Wal Mart. That’s approximately one dollar for each minute that you will use this burden on society.
Honestly, we’re just spitballing with this one. For all we know, generic deodorant could be perfectly fine. We wouldn’t know, we’ve never used generic deodorant. You know why? Because, along with condoms and herpes medication, deodorant is one of those rare products that should, rightfully, come with an absolutely 0% chance of failure. Seriously, don’t risk it. At least don’t risk it around us.
Pepsi or Coke? It’s a question that has plagued mankind for decades. You know what name never gets tossed into the fray? Cola. Because “cola” is fucking disgusting compared to Coke or Pepsi. If it was even in the same room, tastewise, you would see “cola” on the fountain at fast food joints nationwide. But you don’t, because the public uprising would be swift and brutal. Nobody wants “cola.” History has shown that they don’t even want RC. They want Coke or Pepsi. And so do you. Leave the generic cola alone. It’s garbage.
Do you live in an apartment? Do you have to carry your trash a relatively long distance to dispose of it? Do you want the above photo recreated in the common hallway that you share with your neighbors including that hot one a few doors down who will undoubtedly come barreling out of her apartment wet, nude and ready to make it until she’s repulsed at the sight of your disgusting refuse spewing into the hallway because you saved two bucks on garbage bags? No, you don’t want that. You don’t want that at all. Glad bags. Spend the money.
Processed Cheese Slices
Go ahead, just say it. “Why would you ever buy processed cheese slices?” Well, if you could hop off of your high horse for a second and join the rest of us in the normal world, you might find that there are few things on Earth nearly as delicious as an expertly prepared grilled cheese sandwich. And no matter what the celebrity chef of the day may claim, nothing, NOTHING, makes a better grilled cheese sandwich than Kraft Processed Cheese Slices. Nothing.
In fact, Kraft slices are so damn delicious, you can tear into a pack and slam a few slices like potato chips. Regardless of whether they are providing the gooey awesomeness in a grilled cheese or being eaten solo, they are a taste sensation unparalleled in their field. We don’t even know if the grammar was correct in that last sentence. We don’t care. Kraft singles are the shit. Accept no substitutes.
Macaroni and Cheese
Aside from the stuff about eating it solo like potato chips, everything from the processed cheese slices entry applies here as well. When it comes to fake cheese, Kraft has that shit on lock down. If you think that generic mac and cheese is just as good as Kraft mac and cheese, then clearly, you’ve never had Kraft mac and cheese.
We’re not sure what is going on with that generic cheese sauce/powder, but that shit doesn’t even stick to the macaroni. It’s disgusting and horrible and you deserve better. Kraft is like ten cents more than its generic counterparts. Have some self respect. Also, shout out to Velveeta Shells and Cheese. That’s good shit too.
This one should go without saying. Unless you are at a restaurant that is serving generic ketchup, you should never be indulging in anything other than Heinz or, in an absolute pinch, Hunts. Anything else is tomato ass water. In fact, if you do happen to be at a restaurant that is serving something other than Heinz, enjoy that restaurant while you can, because it’s going out of business soon. The switch from Heinz to tomato ass water is one of the early warning shots of impending restaurant closure. In good economic times, nobody picks “Don’s Ketchup Like Tomato Sauce” over Heinz. Heinz opened this book and immediately fucking closed it. It’s a no brainer. But when times get tough, restaurants start looking to cut corners and, inexplicably, ketchup gets the ax first. At that point, it’s all over, because nobody is settling for shitty ketchup. Nobody.