5 Things We Hate About Megan Fox

AskMen.com released their Top 99 Most Desirable Women of 2010 list today and, surprise, Megan Fox didn’t even crack the top 10!  To put this in perspective, this is kind of like the internet voting on its all-time favorite animal and cats come in at #21.  It’s unthinkable.  It’s a revolution.  It’s hilarious!

While this turn of events might seem shocking to some people, we aren’t surprised in the least.  After realizing that she is absolutely never going to sleep with anyone on the Funnycrave staff, we started compiling reasons to say we hated her way before the internet even thought of turning on her.  Here’s what we came up with…

Brian Austin Green

Seriously!  David fucking Silver!  Megan Fox could pretty much have any dude on Earth, and she settles for that skinny bitch from the Peach Pit?  It’s a slap in the face to employed men the world over.  We bust our asses at jobs we hate five days per week just so we can stockpile enough money to convince our local neighborhood seven to settle down with us.  But this guy?  He gets to nail chicks like Megan Fox and Vanessa Marcil on the strength of a few seasons on 90210 and a terrible rap album.  Oh, and those internet rumors about a gigantic schlong probably helped also.

But whatever, you know why nobody was up in arms when Angelina Jolie finally fell off the market?  Because she ended up with Brad Pitt.  That’s not a problem.  That’s to be expected.  We would probably marry Brad Pitt.  He’s fucking beautiful.  Those two belong together.  But Megan Fox?  She can do better.  And she knows it.  And she knows we know it.  And she just throws it in our face.  Not cool.  Start dating Christian Bale or some shit already.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Sucked

Should Megan Fox rightfully take the blame for this one?  No, not really.  A better person to place the blame on would be Michael Bay and his tendency to use explosions to cover shitty plots like some people use cologne to cover the fact that they smell like shit.  That rarely works.  But this wouldn’t be the internet if Megan Fox came out of this debacle completely blameless.  Be hot all you want, but ROTF blew camel ass and your “acting” didn’t do much to help matters.

Jennifer’s Body Ruined Us

Dig it, we’re internet writers.  Remember Juno?  The woman who wrote that, Diablo Cody, was discovered on the internet.  Some dude just asked her to write a script after reading her blog and, after inventing a bunch of slang words that nobody has ever used ever, she sent him a script.  And thus, an internet legend was born.

We want to be internet legends too, dammit!  But guess what?  Megan Fox and Diablo Cody have probably blown it for us.  How so, you ask?  Jennifer’s Body, that’s how.  This was supposed to be the big smash hit follow-up to Juno.  Instead, it was Megan Fox stomping around boringly for two hours with blood on her shirt.  You think Hollywood is beating down blogger’s doors after those shenanigans?  Of course not.  And yes, in case you’re unsure what is going on here, we’re blaming Megan Fox for the fact that we aren’t script writers.

And what happened to those topless scenes that the internet was promising us before the movie came out?  You lie, internet.  You lie!

Those Tattoos Are Stupid

Sure, we get it, tattoos are an expression of you individuality and blah blah blah.  Whatever, we’re fine with that, but for the love of God, at least make sure those tattoos aren’t ridiculous.  Megan Fox fails tremendously at this.  Instead, she tattoos damn near any and every saying that has ever had even the most scant amount of meaning to her onto her otherwise flawless body.

Seriously, inking a Shakespeare quote on your shoulder doesn’t make you a serious actress.  Post that shit on your Facebook page or something.

She’s Kind of a Dick

Yeah, we could probably change it to “she’s allegedly a dick” but then, we wouldn’t be writing on the internet now, would we?  Allegedly is for newspapers.  And newspapers are dying, baby!  On the internet, we deal in absolutes, and we absolutely believe Megan Fox is a douchebag.

What evidence do we have?  Well, how about that letter the crew of Revenge of the Fallen wrote and posted on Michael Bay’s website a few months back?  You know, the one they wrote defending Michael Bay after Megan Fox described him as being like Hitler?  (Because of all those big budget blockbusters Hitler directed, probably.)

But whatever the case, the crew wasn’t very complimentary.  They described her as, among other things, “dumb as a rock” and “Ms. Sourpants.”  Christ, does that mean she has VD or something?

Ok, just read the letter again, apparently it just means she’s a major asshole.  That’s better, we reckon.  But still, given all of the shitty things they had to say, we’re surprised she even made it to #11 on Askmen’s list.

To see who else made the list and, most importantly, to see who claimed the #1 spot (you WILL NOT guess correctly) click on the image below.