5 Tiger Woods Endorsement Possibilities For the Future

Tiger Woods’ sponsors are slowly starting to pull the plug on his empire of endorsement deals.  We suppose it was only a matter of time.  You can only be the face of golf while simultaneously putting up Wilt Chamberlain like snatch chasing numbers for so long if you’re a married man.  Eventually, that shit will catch up to you.

And GODDAMN has it caught up to Tiger Woods!  There already hasn’t been a Tiger Woods commercial aired since shortly after the SUV debacle that started this nightmare, and now, global consulting firm Accenture has severed ties with the horndog golfer.  This could be a total disaster, financially speaking, but it doesn’t have to be!  No matter how many fugly Perkins waitresses he’s banged, there are still plenty of companies out there that would be willing to take on Tiger as a client, provided he’s willing to lower his standards a bit.  Here are a few suggestions…

Bootie’s Pawn Shop

Building up a decent portfolio of sponsors is going to be a rebuilding process, and that rebuilding is going to have to start at home.  As an Orlando resident, Tiger would be well advised to seek out a few local businesses to lend his name to.  To kick things off, we would recommend Bootie’s Pawn Shop at 4425 Old Winter Garden Road in Orlando.

There is one pretty obvious reason why this would make for the perfect partership.  Check out that name!  Bootie’s Pawn Shop?  Shit is hilarious!  Right about now, Tiger Woods is as well known for nailing hoodrats as he is for golf.  Imagine the viral video possibilities that would come with Tiger Woods shooting a commercial for Bootie’s Pawn Shop!  We could probably stretch ten articles out of that kind of comedy action.

But there is another line of thinking here.  What happens if at some point Nike decides to drop Tiger as a sponsor?  Imagine their chagrin when he goes viral as hell in a video telling his adoring public to “forget buying new, get all of your Nike golf clubs at Bootie’s Pawn Shop!”  In our experience, most people who play golf don’t even know pawn shops exist.  Just like it takes a certain kind of wealth to find yourself wanting to play golf, it also takes a special kind of poverty to ever want to seek out a pawn shop.  Those two worlds don’t meet too often.  Together, Tiger Woods and Bootie’s Pawn Shop could change that.  This could put a serious dent in Nike’s golf equipment market share as middle class golfers the nation over begin flocking to Play It Again Sports for their golf gear.  Take that, Nike!

Bauer Family Law

In keeping with the local theme, the next obvious endorsement opportunity comes via Orlando’s own Bauer Family Law.  According to their website, they “help people navigate through the legal process and find the best possible outcome to difficult situations.”  Sounds like that is exactly what our guy needs.  No matter what kind of legal representation he has on his side, he’s probably going to be coming up off of untold millions of dollars once the inevitable divorce goes down.  Might as well align yourself with someone local to get the hometown crowd in your corner.

No matter what the outcome, just agree to do some commercials espousing the virtues of Bauer Family Law.  Just like that, they will be the biggest divorce law firm in Orlando and Tiger’s pockets will be lined with the fruits of their financial windfall.  It’s a total win-win situation.  As an added bonus, as indicated in the photo above, the staff at this firm consists of nothing but moderately attractive chicks.  Eldrick could probably nail them all in one night once the divorce is finalized.  Score!

Lucozade

Lucozade.  Remember that nasty shit?  It’s the missing link between Gatorade and Powerade.  For a long time there, Gatorade had the sports drink market cornered.  They were ripe for a decent challenger.  Along came Lucozade, the sports drink for “the human race.”  Apparently, this meant that Lucozade was the sports drink for people who were not actively participating in any sort of sporting activity.  In other words, this shit was for people who had hangovers.  Unfortunately, Lucozade was slightly less tasty than Pedialyte, which is the absolute jam when you have a hangover.  So, it never really took hold.

But shockingly, this shit is still around.  Now that Gatorade has announced plans to pull Tiger’s exclusive line of sports drinks from shelves, this would be the perfect opportunity for Lucozade to insert themselves back into the market.  And the slogan is even more fitting now!  “Lucozade, for the human race.”  For years, Tiger Woods has been sold as some sort of super human being that is above the average man.  But with this scandal, Tiger has been revealed as just another married millionaire athlete with a harem of skanks at his disposal.  Who among us hasn’t found ourselves in that position?

Tiger Woods and Lucozade would make for a perfect combination.  Tiger will be looking to break back into the national endorsement scene, Lucozade will be looking for the same.  Together, they can either make that happen for each other or they can ensure that neither of them maneuvers their way out of the doldrums they find themselves in.  Whatever the case, the fact remains, Lucozade was fucking gross.

L.A. Gear

With the Lucozade deal in place, Tiger will be poised to make a return to the national endorsement stage.  It’s time to take that Lucozade thing to the next level.  It’s time to get some sponsorship that matters.  Enter, L.A. Gear.

For a brief moment there in the 80′s, L.A. Gear was the move.  They had those shoes!  The ones with the lights in them!  And they want you to buy them again!  We’re pretty certain that L.A. Gear’s campaign to reintroduce LED lights into American footwear is going to be a smashing success.  In tough economic times, people crave nothing more than a budget friendly way to look fancy as all get out.  L.A. Gear obviously fills that void by once again providing shoes that light right the fuck up whenever heel touches concrete.  It’s like the “Billie Jean” video everyday, except without tigers.

Once their massive comeback is in full swing, they’ll be looking to branch out into more LED-enhanced sporting goods.  Tiger Woods makes for the perfect spokesman in this situation.  He’s going to need some free shit to successfully relaunch his golf career.  L.A. Gear is obviously going to want to spread their LED technology to all areas of athletic competition.  It’s a match made in Heaven (or at least purgatory, which is still better than hell).  When Tiger makes his triumphant return to the PGA, how damn awesome would it be if he did it with an entire line of shoes, clubs and balls that light up the whole time he’s trying to reassert his dominance?  If you said “it wouldn’t be that awesome at all because golf is played during the day so those lights will be hella hard to see” then you are correct.  But still, who else is doing it?

AshleyMadison.com

Now that Tiger is back in the public eye, there is no better to put this situation in the rear view mirror than to make light of it.  Remember when O.J. Simpson wrote that book about how he would have killed Nicole Brown IF he had killer her and we all laughed about it and forgave him?  Same thing applies here.

For those of you who don’t know, AshleyMadison.com is a dating site that specializes in hooking up married people who are looking to have an affair.  Could there be even kind of a better spokesman than Tiger Woods for a site like that?  It would be hilarious!  Just imagine it!

“Hi, I’m Tiger Woods.  I certainly don’t endorse cheating on your spouse (wink, wink), but if I did, I’d recommend AshleyMadison.com.  The worlds #1 site for hoes that can’t quite become housewives.  Or househusbands!  Harr harr harr!!!!!!!!!”

Endorsement opportunities don’t get much more perfect than that.