4 Entertainment Devices That Will Make Your Ass FatterBy David Dietle
One could easily argue that technology exists for the sole purpose of making our lives easier. Inventing weapons made it easier to kill the monsters that inhabited our prehistoric world, making it easier to not die. Inventing better weapons made it easier to live in fear than before, because although there were no more monsters, there were plenty of dangerous assholes with weapons.
All of this led to entertainment, in the form on coliseums, where we could give those weapons to two different dangerous assholes and watch them kill each other for our amusement. Much of this is still alive today, with our need for entertainment requiring better and better tech, so we can watch movies and TV shows of armed assholes pretending to kill one another. Oh, and the news and cooking shows or something.
But we have reached a new age, where easy is sometimes not easy enough. You can watch movies in your own home on your huge flatscreen TV, but you have to mount that sucker, and if it falls, well, there’s a broken foot or a dead pet. And what’s with this wires still connecting things bullshit? There has to be an easier way! Okay, so in the next decade, it will be easier. Way easier. Too easier, even though that isn’t grammatically correct.
Technology has made things so much easier that we’ve reached a point where we are now packing on some extra pounds as we kick back and enjoy this easy to use technology that cuts out much of the hassle past iterations included.
4) OLED Screens, because even 30 lbs is heavy sometimes…
Remember the days when plasma and LCD TVs were the new “gee, holy shit, wow!” thing, and everyone was amazed that you could hang your TV on your wall? But then it turned out that they still weighed half a ton and you had to have some professional mount it or you were at risk of having a 50 pound Guillotine to watch Lost on? How about something that you could play X-Box on and literally hang on your living room wall like painting? Take a look at this:
That thing next to the Japanese woman is a 37” Panasonic Organic LED screen, and it looks like it is about three quarters of an inch thick. OLED screens are prohibitively expensive right now, with a 11 incher costing about $2,500, but just like Blu-Rays and handguns, the price will drop as soon as the tech is perfected and the demand is there. Imagine, a big screen TV that you could mount on your ceiling right above your bed. You wouldn’t even have to deal with that “sitting up” bullshit people having been forcing you to suffer through since you were 8 months old.
3) Reaching is hard, so iPhone Remotes
You put your Blu-Ray next to your bed, and your OLED TV on the ceiling where that mirror used to be, but you still need a remote for the Blu-Ray, because leaning over is for suckers, and standing up to change the channel? Fuck that noise. Do want to know what else to fuck? Switching remotes. Sure, they have universal remotes, but a lot of them require programming to set up and… Jesus, I’m getting worn out just writing it, so forget it. But you know what? You already have your iPhone right there, in case you need to order pizza or you have a sudden burst of energy and want to blow it on some Bejeweled, what if you could use that as your remote?
Well, good news, fatso! There are several apps on the market that let you run everything from your Blu-Ray, to your computer, to your TV. Or even over the Internet when you aren’t home, in case you are out picking up some beer and Krispy Kremes because those dicks won’t deliver.
2) For the untethered, Wireless Electricity
What’s that you say? Those wires leading to your ceiling TV are an eyesore? Plus, bundling up those cords is a pain in the ass, and God forbid the day comes when you have to move the damn thing, you have to do it all over again. Shit. What if there was a way to power everything without those stupid plastic tentacles creating tripping hazards and forcing you to exert excess calories on minor tasks? Well, the geniuses at MIT managed to pull it off, showing that you share an important quality with really innovative people; laziness.
Ned Flanders up there is demonstrating “witricity” on a DVD player and LCD TV, and showing off a cellphone that was also powered wirelessly. He is living Nikola Tesla’s wet dream, or at least the one that didn’t involve electrocuting Thomas Jefferson and giving his corpse a Cleveland steamer. It is literally the same concept as Tesla, that is, using magnetic induction, you can “broadcast” electricity across the room. Just think, you could use your wireless remote to turn on your wireless TV and wireless Blu-Ray to watch wireless movies. Okay, maybe I overshot the mark a little there, but it’s pretty god damn cool.
1) Decorate your home with movies, literally, with LED Paint
“But David!” You say, “I had to lift that TV up there! And what if I roll to the side to get a donut and lack the desire to roll back to see if Jake Scully nails that blue furry!” First off, he does. The movie came out over a year ago, what the hell is wrong with you? But I have some more good news for you, chubby! With LED Paint, you could hire someone to cover your walls in TV! It’s been in development for a while, but some brilliant people out there figured out how to suspend LEDs in a paint solution, so you can spread it on walls, cars, whatever, and show video with it. Imagine, instead of that Darth Maul wallpaper you painstakingly applied to your parent’s basement, you could just paint the damn thing and then loop his fight with the Jedi endlessly!
People have suggested using it to turn entire buildings into eye-blistering billboards that would likely be large and bright enough to change the flight patterns of migrating birds, but we know the real value will come from people playing Wii on their living room wall and laughing in the face of movie theaters when they turn their garage door into a drive in theater. However, I highly recommend not using it for Seitz’s image of Justin Bieber on a teenage girl’s body as your head would likely explode. Getting caught would embarrassing enough without your parents discovering your headless corpse with you junk in your hand.
BONUS! For the truly fucking lazy
There are some basic bodily functions that technology will never be able to do for you, but that doesn’t mean they can’t make them way easier, even if they were already really, really easy. Like wireless hotplates, that will let you heat up your burritos and flapjacks right there in bed, for when you need hot food, not just Funions.
Or what about when you can’t be bothered to pick up your phone and pause the movie, but that burrito needs to make an exit? How about a portable toilet? Sure, they’re intended for camping, but really, anything designed to make life out in the wild easier is bound to make life outside of the wild way easier. Just make sure you have a TP dispenser nearby, otherwise… Dude, I really shouldn’t have to explain that.
Yes, thanks to the miracles of modern science, we can all enjoy the same flaccid, bloated existence that we all dreamed about after the first time was saw Wall-E.
If you liked this, read and laugh about the 6 Things The World is doing to Accommodate our fat asses