4 Alternative Uses For Starbucks’ New Trenta-Sized CupBy Luis Prada
Coffee makes my heart want to explode. I still drink it, but in small, controlled doses that give my heart ample time to defuse each tiny bomb of caffeine that graces its presence before the next bomb arrives. This problem is magnified when I drink a Starbucks coffee. I will occasionally feel like I want to be a part of the Starbucks-drinking clan of cool people, so I’ll grab myself a Pike’s Place roast, or whatever it is they call a normal cup of coffee that doesn’t have all that superfluous shit in it. Half was through a Tall-sized cup I feel as though my body is vibrating at a different frequency than the rest of the world. It’s like my spirit is trying to shake its way out of my pours. My hands begin to tremble at a rate that can shake down a bridge. It’s terrible.
But damn do I love coffee.
But not enough to drink 30 fluid ounces of it in one sitting. Mostly because I’m perfectly fine with the current rhythm of my heart beat, and also because I don’t like it when my body has given up and wants me to fall asleep but the caffeine coursing through my veins is telling me to chase feral beasts on foot with a spear.
So, needless to say, I may never order Starbucks’ new and patently absurd cup size, Trenta. Although, I am a big fan of the cup. Thirty ounces of anything is a lot of liquid to expect someone to drink. Hell, the human stomach only holds 30.4 ounces. That’s a lot of cup to have around once you’ve finished your Joe. What could you do with something like that?
Make The Greatest Cup-and-String Phone In All The Land
Some Dixie cups and string are all you need to hear the ghostly wishers of the person holding the other end of a classic cup-and-string phone — and those things are only 3 or 5 ounces. Making one with two 30 ounce Trenta cups would be the equivalent of NASA communicating with astronauts dancing on the face of the moon. String enough of them together and you’ve got yourself a crude facsimile of the internet that would come in handy in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Pan Handel Like A Boss
Most street beggars are content with molesting you in to putting a dollar in to their paltry 8 or 12 ounce coffee cups. The ubiquity of these small cup sizes made it so that you couldn’t tell which beggars were pros and which were just amateurs that never received proper beggar training. Now, what with the invention of the Trenta, you’ll be able to tell the beggars pulling in five-figures from the ones you shouldn’t trust with a penny. It’s like asking who is the better rapper: the guy with the 18-inch rims, or the guy with 24s? Obviously, all rapping prowess is solely based on the size of the metal things in tires, just as the financial success and general swagger of a street beggar is based off of cup size. It’s simple science, really.
Start Your Own Sport: X-treme Cup Stacking
Cup stacking is so hot right now. I only say that because all of my friends are 12-year-old shut-ins with mild cases of autism, and people like that always have their fingers on the pulse of what’s cool. Right now, their fingers are on cups that are being rapidly stacked and un-stacked in and out of various shapes under strict time limits. Yes, where Pogs and Pokemon cards once ruled, cups now hold sway.
But regular cups are boring. Gather yourself about 12 Trenta cups and arrange them shits in to pyramid-like structures of thirst quenching majesty – and do it 4 time in under 10 seconds – and you’ll have thoroughly blown the minds of every cup stacker in the known regions of the universe. You’ll instantly become a mega-star in the cup stacking world. You’ll have your face on the cover of Stacker Weekly. And, best of all, you’re going to get so much of that sweet, sweet cup stacking pussy. You don’t even know.
Use The Cup As A Toilet
This is 30 ounces of coffee we’re talking about here, folks. If you chug that thing down on the subway on the way to the office, by the time you near the next stop along the tracks you’re going to need to unleash the hounds of excrement hell. Your bowels will be furiously pushing out every nugget of waste they have, and you will be filled with so much urine that you’ll think your body must have dried out your eyes and sucked out your spinal fluid and converted it in to pee.
Luckily, you have a cup so large that when submerged in a pool it can leave all pool occupants swimming on dry concrete. And, yeah — copping a squat on the subway maybe isn’t the most, let’s say hygienic or ethical or sane thing a person can do while riding tube filled with other humans that’s hurling down a dark tunnel, but think of the alternative: soiling your fancy business suit while attempting to retain your composure. There’s no way to make soiling yourself on a subway classy or professional. Doing your business in a large cup at least makes everyone think you’re a crafty individual that will never take no for answer; for example, you will never be viewed as a person that listens to authority figures when they say “Sir, you can’t poop in a coffee cup on train.”