101 Signs You Might Be Evil

Recently in the comments section of an article on FunnyCrave, someone came to the defense of FOX news correspondents, questioning our journalistic integrity and judgment for the decision to label the people who work at FOX “evil”.  Now maybe it’s possible Glenn Beck and Bill O Reilly and the rest of their crew aren’t evil, except that it’s not possible.  They really are evil.  The problem then must be in our ability to identify evil, why else would someone question the evilitude of the FOX crew?  Unless of course the commenter in question was evil in which case it’s possible the very article that was commented on is now hexed and will give us all a fearsome palsy should we dare read it again. Thanks for nothing, evil commenter.

Anyway, since it seems more likely than ever that people are having a hard time understanding the nature of evil, what with preachers fearing those who sit to pee and a veritable army of malnourished, pasty rednecks clamoring against Barack Obama because they’re pretty sure he’s from Mexico or Spain or some other terrorist nation, we need to have a clearcut way to identify evil so we can be sure we’re fearful of and/or hating the right things.  So here’s your list.  Beware.

1. You have now or in the past attempted to, successfully or otherwise, give someone Hitler AIDS
2. You are affiliated with PETA
3. You have paid for and therefore financially supported David Hasselhoff’s music career
4. You watch Two and a Half Men
5. You would do Ann Coulter
6. You chew tobacco and/or call it “dip”
7. You don’t always wipe
8. You’ve had sex with a family member
9. You think The View is informative
10. You laugh at the “comedy” of Jeff Dunham
11. You feel Miley Cyrus is a suitable role model for children
12. You purchase and/or market yogurt that is advertised as being probiotic
13. You support chocolate covered, deep fried bacon
14. You run a Wal Mart
15. You are an arsonist
16. You fly kites at night
17. Jeff Foxworthy still makes you laugh
18. The idea of voting for Sarah Palin as president appeals to you
19. You have ever touched your groin area with someone else’s toothbrush
20. You routinely poison animals and/or neighbors



21. You deliberately say inflammatory bullshit on your news show just because you know it will be picked up by the rest of the media and gain you more exposure
22. You are a Lohan
23. You’re a guy and you have a ponytail
24. You support the Insane Clown Posse in some way
25. You are a high level Scientologist
26. You write checks at the grocery store
27. You pay with change at the grocery store
28. You are Sylvia Browne
29. You have ever been on a highway work crew and decided lunch time should be 4 hours long
30. You wrote Full House
31. You wear Ed Hardy shirts
32. You think the people at Westboro Baptist Church are too liberal
33. You would vote for Dick Cheney
34. You are Dick Cheney
35. You helped summon Dick Cheney
36. You’ve attempted to smoke cloves, banana peels or catnip
37. You’ve ever written to a serial killer because you feel they’re misunderstood
38. You then married that serial killer
39. You work at The Learning Channel
40. You’re vegan and you make sure everyone knows it



41. You felt it was necessary to research how to make homemade explosives at some point in your life
42. You’ve written fan fic
43. The fan fic was sexual
44. You work in marketing over at Miracle Whip
45. You package things in those godforsaken plastic blister packs that require industrial tools to get into
46. You’ve purchased a drum kit for someone else’s child
47. You hang toilet paper the wrong way
48. You bought a Big Mouth Billy Bass
49. You’ve purchased second hand socks or underwear
50. You attend NASCAR events
51. You know what man flesh tastes like, in a non-gay way
52. You’ve ever brought your kids to a bar
53. You’ve called in to vote for a reality show contestant
54. You think mac and cheese with a can of tuna in it is a casserole
55. You bought a dummy so you could make use of the carpool lane
56. You feel the second amendment supports the use of bazookas or flame throwers
57. You make Doritos for a living and think you’re fooling anyone when you release a “new” flavor and it’s the same fucking cheese flavor you’ve released 20 times already with a dash of something red tossed in.
58. You’ve eaten a Luther burger
59. Amway
60. You sign your friends up to have assholes come to their houses and try to sell them useless garbage because each friend’s name enters you in a contest to win that same useless garbage



61. You run a massive drug cartel and murder your enemies in creative ways to set an example for others
62. You forward emails about how bill Gates is giving away free money, Old Navy is giving away free jeans or Red Lobster is giving away free colonoscopies just for forwarding the email
63. You like Prog Rock
64. You’ve ever had a dog de-barked
65. You think we only use 10% of our brains
66. You buy the “healthy” menu items at fast food restaurants
67. You’ve engaged in sexual activity with a stuffed animal and then tried to defend yourself on the internet
68. You’ve overthrown a democratically elected government and slaughtered any dissidents
69. You forward tranny porn to friends because it’s funny
70. You chew with your mouth open despite not being livestock
71. You’re the guy who edits movies on AMC.  What the fuck is your problem?
72. You’re a teacher who thought taking kids on a class trip to a historical museum would be a good idea
73. You make your living on eBay
74. You maintain a website that discusses your political/religious/sexual opinions
75. You paid to watch hobo porn
76. You downloaded free hobo porn
77. You knew hobo porn existed before reading it on this site
78. You’ve used a public toilet and were moved to not flush
79. You’ve ever used the toilet and then elected to not wash your hands under the assumption that, since you bathed earlier, your undercarriage is probably pretty kosher right now
80. You’ve attempted to stage a coup



81. You own a bank
82. You are George Lucas
83. You pop your collar even though you realize it makes you look like a douche
84. You wear sunglasses indoors (equally applicable if this is because you’re a vampire or just a giant cock hole)
85. You fart in elevators
86. You go to the movies alone
87. You eat at Arby’s
88. You try to feed animals at the zoo
89. You can’t be bothered to reply to emails
90. You call people just because
91. You eat knock off Spam
92. You continue to pay to see Nicolas Cage films
93. You’re the reason your apartment building smells like curry/eggs/shit
94. You’ve stained a seat on a bus or in a cab
95. You made up a name for yourself
96. You do impressions
97. You devour souls
98. You’ve started a cult but call it a family
99. You have a single car company from which you buy all your vehicles because other car companies make shit
100. You try to fight WWE style or MMA style at home



101. You get angry at internet comedy sites that make fun of things you like and are then moved to post an idiotic comment that will only serve as fodder for people to directly and explicitly make fun of you