The World's 3 Most Awful Food Celebrations

Food is addictive; Imagine you were addicted to crack, and then imagine that without crack, you would literally waste away and die. Then imagine there were places with drive-thrus that would sell you double-decker crack with special sauce and a side of fries .

In America, we love food so much, we have festivals where people make chili or barbecue, and some freaks wind up serving garlic ice cream or cornbread with jellybeans.

But there are places in the world where it is worse. Below are 3 food celebrations so horrific, they redefine the word. It could seriously mean “Shit (Literally) People Eat”. When you are done, you will probably be wishing a shit-eating festival had made the list, because it would be less horrible.

3)La Festival Gastronomico del Gato

For those of you born too early to learn Spanish from Dora the Explorer, I will translate that for you in a second, but first, I want to show you this:

I know that looks like baked naked mole rats getting fisted with a stick, but it’s “cuy” (Guinea Pigs), with wood shoved up their ass being roasted. This has little to do with the festival, except that it’s popular in Peru, where del Gato is held, only instead of cute fuzzy rodents, they eat these:

Kitties are adorable, especially when they mimic Blanka and Ryu

The literal translation of the festival’s name is The Gastronomical Festival of the Cat, which actually sounds kind of noble. The festival is held in a small town south of Lima,  in honor of their city founders; slaves that were forced to eat cats to survive.

They claim the cats are raised in a special nursery for the event, although rumors of street cats being scooped up remain, as if eating an alley cat is somehow more offensive than chowing down on a well groomed Persian.

They say cat meat tastes like rabbit, which is to say it tastes adorable. They’ll make anything out of kitty; strips, stew, cat in Huacatay. So, maybe it’s just a cultural thing, right?

Right. Except… It is also held in honor of the town’s patron saint, Saint Efigenia. who was sacrificed by king Agamemnon for favorable winds for his warships on the way to sack Troy. When he got home from pillaging, his wife chopped him up in the bathtub. So they are simultaneously celebrating slavery and murder, with cats.

2) World Testicle Cooking Championship

Have you ever thought about all the meat we eat and mused “Steaks, bacons and ribs are awesome, but what happens with all their tasty testicles?” If you answered “yes”, then there is a man in Serbia who wants to serve you some balls.

Surprise! It’s bull-ball pizza. Good luck scraping that image from your psyche.

Ljubomir Erovic, the man who founded the championship, has an oddly non-homosexual obsession with jock-plums, so he wrote an interactive cookbook on them, and founded the championship. His obsession began after unwittingly eating some testicle goulash, and became “powerfully” sexually aroused. To quote Ljubomir:

“I couldn’t sleep that very night because I became incredibly aroused and felt a real ‘charge of positive energy’ that I had to use somehow. I had never experienced anything like that before. The next day, after the wild night, I found out from a friend that the dish we ate was testicle goulash. “

Now, he never said what exactly he did to use that night’s “charge of energy”, but since I am armed with artistic license and no facts, I will assume he raped his pillow, and told it to keep its whore-mouth shut.

Even not knowing he was a gonad-eater, had  still has the face of a pillow rapist.

All manner of scrotum-puppy concoctions are available at the WTCC; ball pizza, testicle omelette’s, and probably a ground ball burger or some shit….

Any one of us would gladly eat cat if it saved us from having to go to a carnival where they happily eat the severed sperm-banks from bulls, stallions and ostriches. Ostriches? Do birds even have testicles? Or is this fruitcake picking random body parts from animals, calling them testicles and then eating them? The fact that he thinks they’re balls is plenty to label him a pervert.

1) Þorramatur

Iceland was started by Vikings. You know who was afraid of vikings? Everyone! That’s why the Egyptians never conquered Europe; they wanted an entire continent and sea between them and the murderous Norse folk.

In Iceland, they celebrate Þorramatur. They are so hardcore viking that they use letters no one can pronounce. Is that a “P”? A “D”? An “Axe”?  We can assume at some point, that letter was used to murder a farmer and take his woman, a mindset that permeates this celebration. Everything on the menu for this traditional viking feast seems to scream “Eat me, I fucking dare you.”

Here’s what Wikipedia lists as being the traditional fare:

Holy shit. Putrefied shark? “Hung meat”? Slaughter?! Even viking meals killed people. I am pretty sure ó, ð, and ö were responsible for the fall of the Clagestians. Ever heard of them? No? That’s because viking letters erased them from history, while eating head cheese and ram balls.

Oh look, pompernikkel….Some sausage… A face…Wait, what?

One item bears some explanation, hákarl. It’s made out of Greenland shark, an arctic monstrosity that grows over 20 feet long and has meat that contains poisonously high levels of uric acid, which would cause most people to discount it as a food-source. But not the Icelanders, oh no.

They kill the shark, gut it, and then bury it in the sand for 6 to 12 weeks to ferment, with large stones placed over the sand to squeeze out its juices. They then they cut it into strips and hang it for several more months to dry. They wind up with something that smells like strong cheese soaked in ammonia. It’s so “tasty”, it made Gordon Ramsay puke, and he was born in the country that invented Haggis.

All of this “food” is served buffet style, like a viking murder version of Thanksgiving, only instead of turkey and stuffing, they have liver sausage and sheep face. They wash it down with Icelandic Jagermeister (called Brennivín) which is fermented potato mash seasoned with caraway seeds. It’s like all the tasty food in Iceland fled, crying, to other countries, and only the nasty shit had the balls to stay. I salute you Iceland. Because I am afraid of you, and you eat rotted pee-shark because you fucking can.