Zombie Sighted in Colombia

* not actual zombie

We all knew it was going to happen eventually, and here it is.  Friggin’ zombies.  After years of scoffing at movies featuring the shambling dead most of us took two positions; either this was Hollywood bullshit or that, if it did happen, we’d done enough research to survive the zombie apocalypse.  Well it’s time to put your money where your mouth is, Shaun of the Dead – there’s a zombie in Colombia.  And zombies are like crabs, you never have just one.

Sometime in the last week, a Colombian woman was declared dead after suffering two heart attacks.  So they shipped her off to the mortuary and, just as she was about to be embalmed, the undertaker took a moment to appreciate how odd it was that the dead lady was still moving.  Seems her arm was all akimbo.

So they shipped her back to the hospital where she’s in intensive care and isn’t expected to make it.  But here’s the thing – of course she’s not going to make it.  She didn’t make it.  She’s the undead, man.  All she has left to look forward to is going done in the annals of soon-to-be-lost history as patient zero of the zombie outbreak.

Do you think you’re safe up here in North America?  Or Sri Lanka?  Or wherever you read FunnyCrave from?  No.  No sir, not one bit.  George Romero taught us that, given enough time, zombies will figure out that water is no obstacle, and nevermind how often the bastards hide in helicopters.  You can kiss South America goodbye within the next month and North America is probably going to be gone by summer.  And don’t you Asians go getting cocky, all it takes is one guy getting bit outside the airport in Los Angeles to board a plane for Tokyo and you’re all fucked too.

So why write an article about our impending doom?  Funnycrave loves a scoop.  In the days before civilization fully crumbles, while we still have internet and electricity, editorial here is hoping everyone logs in and leaves a hearty thank you in the comments for preparing you for what’s to come.  And in the spirit of that, please have the following on hand;

• One easily manageable handgun and a large supply of ammunition.
• One shotgun also with ammunition
• A blunt manual labor tool with good reach and weight such as a shovel or pick axe.  Sledgehammers work if you have the upper body strength.  Avoid rakes.
• Waterproof matches
• A backpack of emergency rations – energy bars are very portable
• A vehicle with off-road capability
• Several spare gas tanks
• A helmet.  Countless brains could have been saved from zombies with the use of helmets
• Long sleeves, preferably leather.  A leather jacket is apt to prevent weak-jawed zombies from infecting you with the forearm bite that took down so many brave souls in film
• A radio.  Try t find those last human settlements.  We’ll be there waiting for you.

That’s all we have kids.  We’ll keep posting the funny until the end comes.