You guys just Don’t Listen, do you?: Another Letter To Jon Gosselin and Octomom

Dear Jon Gosselin and Octomom,

You guys just don’t listen do you? What are you? Stupid? I know FunnyCrave is only a tiny site in the grand scheme of the world, and we’re probably way out of scope of knowledge, but…I mean, c’mon, seriously, you guys? SERIOUSLY?! You’re going to do a show together where you actually date each other? Go to hell.

As some of our loyal readers may already be aware of (I believe we have 7 loyal readers), last week I wrote up a little article in response to a recent Octomom interview in which she said that she thinks Jon Gosselin cute. You can read the article here. In it, I warned of the dangers that could spring forth from such an unholy union of two white trash A-holes coming together. In fact, my exact quote was: “The two of you coming to together in a bedroom with the intention of sexing each other’s sex parts may cause some kind of white trash singularity that the universe may never recover from.”

In the article, I was very clear in stating that I may have been jumping the gun a bit by being so reactionary. But today’s a new day and it appears that Jon and Octomom have refused to listen to my pleas – please that have turned out to be very, very warranted. Yesterday, the terrible news broke: Jon and Octomom will not only date each other, but they’re going to do it in front of cameras for a new “reality” show titled Jon – Kate = Jon + Octomom, which ranks right up there in the pantheon of terrible titles along with Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! And Operation: Dumbo Drop.

So, seeing as you guys just didn’t get it the first time, here’s some more reasons why you shouldn’t date, or even be allowed within 500 yards of each other.

1)      The first time you guys meet each other would see the collision of your globular clusters of paparazzi. As the Mayans prophesied, when two paparazzi clusters collide the universe will be torn asunder, and shots of exposed boobs and vaginas from people that we don’t care about will run rampant across the world, transforming intelligent cultures in to teeming masses of pseudo-celebrity obsessed dipshits.

2)      When you go out on your first dinner date you had better go to a restaurant with an open kitchen because if not, you’re going to taste the testicles of the entire sweaty kitchen staff in your soup. Why? Because everyone hates you people.

3)      I’m almost certain you’re respective clans of children will war with one another for attention-getting supremacy. This war will end with one child, perhaps one of the babies, standing atop a pile of kiddy corpses, covered in blood, and with a belly filled with kid meat. (Actually, this might be one of the pluses of your union).

4)      If I may get catty for a moment, AHEM: Oooo, Octomom! Girl, they ain’t ‘nuff collagen in da world fo’ yo lips if you go on a date wit dat fool! You best be tryin’ to shove Crisco in yo face! Snap!

5)      I’m pretty sure Octomom is Cthulhu and Jon is one of her followers that wants to be killed first when she reigns in the blood and mayhem that will signal the start of the apocalypse.

The true face of the creature we know as "Octomom."