You Can Toss a Bucket of Piss, Shit, and Vomit on To Someone In Seattle with No RepercussionsBy Luis Prada
If you’re anything like the average, totally sane American citizen, then you probably have a bucket in your home that’s filled to the brim with a witch’s brew of your own vomit, feces, and urine. I have two of them, just in case one of the buckets becomes so disgusted by its own existence that it has to vomit in to a bucket. For so long we vomit, feces and urine collectors have instinctively assumed that tossing our bubbling cauldrons of bodily waste on to random people was frowned upon, maybe even illegal.
Well, fellow piss, poop and puke-bucket owners, we can now rejoice – it turns out we were wrong.
Let me explain: last August Cheri Monson was walking up their stairwell of her Seattle public housing apartment complex when her 70-year-old neighbor, Ronald V. Ellis, doused her with “a bucketful of human feces, urine and vomit,” which is a really nice change of pace from 70-year-olds tossing those buckets on to their Haitian immigrant caretakers.
Soon thereafter, a warrant was issued for Ellis’ arrest, and he was charged with…oh, I don’t know; let’s say “assault with a bucket of nightmares.”
The case went to trial, and this past Thursday the jury reached a final verdict. In The Case of The Nightmare Bucket the jury found Ronald Ellis…not guilty.
Now, folks, I have no idea how law works, and I don’t know what constitutes the creation of legal precedent, but I am 100%, unwaveringly, steadfastly sure of one thing: this ruling legally allows anyone to toss buckets full of feces, urine and vomit on to anyone they want, just as long as the contents of said bucket are being tossed within the Seattle city limits. Toss the contents of an outdoor music festival port-a-potty on to someone in Portland, and, well, you’re just a disgusting felon. Lord knows what they do to twisted people like you in prison! (Probably douse you with buckets of feces, urine, vomit, and crushed light bulb shards.)
Monson, clearly distraught by the final ruling, had this to say to Seattle’s KOMO news:
“I could not believe it. I just could not believe it,” she says. “I want to know why. I want to know why.”
Sadly, Monson may never find out why the jury voted not guilty as jurors are not required to explain their reasoning. Still, Monson can’t understand how the physical evidence wasn’t enough in court; although, legal experts agree that Monson’s lawyer’s tactic of filling the bucket with his own urine, feces and vomit to demonstrate how Ellis’ act was premeditated didn’t make for the most attractive argument.