X Marks the Spot if You’re Looking for Douchebags [video]

Calvin Klein is hugely popular despite its long history of having what are arguably the worst commercials ever.  They have decent production values and cause a stir and whatnot, they use sex and controversy to their advantage, so on a fundamental level Calvin Klein understands advertising, but at the same time they all just suck so hard.

Back in the day, Klein decided advertising through the use of creepy, pseudo-pedophilia ads was a banner idea, and even had the FBI investigate to make sure everything was kosher.  And now, for 2010, they’ve unleashed some “X Marks the Spot” bullshit.  Just watch this thing and see what you take away from it.

[Youtube uEtmQIRTYlk 570 420]

Did you take away the desire to bludgeon everyone in that commercial with a sock full of nickels?  Or did you want to see their dick/ass/latent homoeroticism? I was leaning towards that first option.

I can only assume someone sat down with a pen and paper and thought “shitheads are pretty popular these days, can we make guys in their gitch act like shitheads?” and then penned that commercial.  As a curious side effect of the heightened douche-per-square-inch ratio in the commercial, the most interest aspect of the whole thing is trying to decide which guy in that commercial is the biggest cockbag.  Which inexplicably arrogant, twatish, weiner-toting asshat seems the most over the top?  And since that’s really the only thing you can wonder about this commercial beyond why it exists at all, let’s give it a rundown.

Guy #1 – The camera starts on a side view of this dude’s wang before panning up to his malformed head giving us the same “hey you” that masturbating hobos and drug dealers tend to toss around in subway stations.

Guy # 2 – Just asks if we want to see his shit.  You know who asks you that question?  Date rapists.  Everything else he says in the entire commercial?  Date rapist.

Guy # 3 – This dude looks like he was crafted in a laboratory from the DNA of Ryan Phillipe and a massive, gaping asshole.  This was the guy in college who masturbated onto sleeping friends’ faces.

Guy # 4 – This guy is not committed to this at all.  He seems like he’s being dared to be a dickhead.  You should never put effort into being a dickhead.  It’s actually more dickheaded.