Wino Macgyver

People tend to think that being a drunk is sloppy and un-gentlemanly, that no good can come of wasting your life away by imbibing alcohol on city streets. To that we say nay — nay because of the guy in the video above. This man, this ingenious French bastard, proves that being completely wasted can breed a brand of creativity so pure that one must celebrate it by getting drunk.

The reason we’re so impressed by this video is because the brilliance of jamming a wine bottle in a shoe then banging said shoe on a wall just to slide out the cork completely overshadows any of our attempts at opening a wine bottles without a corkscrew. For instance, if you grip the bottle by the neck and slam the body against a desk or table, you get a serious loss of tasty wine; and, whatever wine you do manage to retain has a high glass shard content, which can make for some none-too-smooth sips. And some esophageal bleeding. And some bloody stool. See? Not a good method.

When we start off our work days by killing off at least 3 wine bottles, we can perhaps become too excited for the sweet, sweet drunk-juice that allows our comedy to flow outward, violently if necessary. In this state of rambunctiousness (and because we’re still a little drunk from the night before) we may resort to drastic cork removing measures. Some mornings Adam will resort to screaming at the cork for at least 3 minutes. This only worked once and every other time after that Adam ended up in the hospital. Or, at least he would have had we ever actually taken him to the hospital.

My own methods have proven to be very, what’s the word? Useless? Yes, my methods have proven to be very useless in their own right. I once challenged a wine bottle to a duel where the winner would have to remove their cork (I happen to adore my 100% cork jeans and my cork/polyester blend shirts, thank you very much). Needless to say, I lost the battle to the bottle in our offices’ Thunderdome and, as a result, had to spend the rest of my day in my underwear (luckily, I did not wear my cork underwear that day).

As for Ian’s methods? Well, let’s just say that Ian wholeheartedly believes that he can fuck his way out of any situation. Any Situation. Gods forbid we run out of pens in the office. Someone’s libel to blindly reach for a writing implement and instead receive a vicious hand molesting. (As luck would have it, out office is the only spot in the country where sexual molestation laws do not apply). Now, I will admit that Ian’s method is very much like the one the drunk French guys shows off in the video above (just replace the wall with a very naked Ian, the shoe is still very much a part of the equation), but the result is less “successfully” and more “gory.”

Some have suggested that we just buy ourselves an office corkscrew and be done with it. Those people later vanished under mysterious circumstances. They were delicious. They went well with a nice Merlot.