So, here’s a question: can a thirteen-year-old girl only tangentially in the media spotlight go through a growth spurt like a typical teenager and not have the media obsess over it?

Apparently not. Sorry, Malia. As in, Malia Obama.

But, hey, at least you get to serve as an example of how degraded and pointless our news media has become! Horray for profound levels of saddness!

Here is — and I wish this were a joke — the headline for an article that actually ran on ABC News:

Malia Obama, 13, Almost as Tall as the President

Oh, yeah, real hard-hitting journalism, right there! That’s really important! The rest of the article almost lives up to that standard of relevancy, explaining that — SURPRISE! — thirteen-year-olds are still growing children, and this is about the age that puberty kicks in! So we shouldn’t be surprised that she’s almost as tall as her parents, especially since both her parents are really tall!

What’s ridiculous about all this is, who exactly is this article explaining puberty to, again? Everybody reading probably made it far enough in the educational system to see hormones kick in. This isn’t actually news, or even gossip, it’s just insulting.

And it gets worse, which is the sad thing. Witness Chelsea Clinton. If she were anybody else, a thirty-year-old woman with two master’s degrees doing puff pieces for NBC News would make all the mark of a BB gun fired at a destroyer. But because old people still hate her dad, Rush Limbaugh, a college dropout, threw a hissy fit about how unqualified she was. Or how about America being shocked — shocked! — that Dubya’s 19-year-old daughters were trying to buy beer with a fake ID? As much as we hate to agree with Katie Roiphe, who brings new meaning to the term “butthurt whiner”, she does have a point: teenagers do this stuff all the time.

So, FunnyCrave would like to take a pledge, here and now, to all current and future Presidential children: we promise not to make fun of you for being normal human beings, unlike, apparently, everyone else.

Your parents are still fair game.