Why Won’t My Parakeet Eat My Diarrhea?

It’s no surprise that we pull a lot of our daily articles from Google Trends. We do it because we like to stay topical, and because we really don’t want to have to come up with 100% original content 4 times a day, every day. We’re comedy writers; we’re inherently lazy like that.

Most of the stuff on Trends is pretty normal: news stories, insane accusations made by Rush Limbaugh, and the names of frivolous pseudo-celebrities that no one will remember in a decades’ time (or will be dead in a decades’ time). It’s all pretty generic internet gossip kind of stuff.

And then there’s “Why Won’t My Parakeet Eat My Diarrhea?” which, at publishing time, is the number one most searched item on Google Trends.

Now, we could just mock the idea of this trend topic’s existence, but this is the faceless internet we’re talking about here. There might actually be someone, somewhere, out there in the real world, that is truly perplexed as to why their parakeet – the parakeet that they’ve loved and cared for for many years – stubbornly refuses to eat the owners diarrhea.

To that one person somewhere out there, we say, we understand. Well, we don’t. Not really. It’s not often that we are confronted with a parakeet that refuses to eat liquid feces that fell out of a human. But in a spiritual sense, yes, we understand your pain.

So to you Mr. Sad-because-my-parakeet-wont-eat-my-liquefied-poop, we will attempt to answer your question to the best of our ability.

After consulting with our resident Funny Crave scientist, Jerome the Janitor, we have come to the conclusion that parakeets typically eat items such as nuts and seeds. You are trying to make it eat liquid doo-doo. See the problem here?

You’re trying to feed it poop (out of the goodness of your heart, no doubt), which isn’t typically something a parakeet would eat. We’re not saying that it never will eat your diarrhea, but the chances are pretty slim.

Here are 3 tips to try to coax your parakeet in to eating your loose stools:

1)      Place your diarrhea in the parakeet’s usual feeding cup. Then, sprinkle a few de-shelled sun flower seeds on top, kind of like rainbow sprinkles atop a lovely bowl of ice cream. When the parakeet goes to eat the seeds, he/she will get a taste of the poop in the cup. Before your know it, your parakeet could be gulping down the entire thing and asking for seconds!

2)      Poop directly in the parakeet’s cage, then lock the little door. This will force the parakeet to adapt to its surrounding, and leave it no other choice but to like the smell, consistency, and poopiness of your poop. Parents, this is also a good way to get your stubborn children to eat broccoli.

3)      Dare the parakeet to eat your diarrhea. Parakeets can never refuse a dare. Such is the code of the parakeet.