Why The Noah Cyrus Lingerie Line Rumor NOT Being True is a Bad Thing

Damn it. Some things are just too good to be true.

As some of you may have heard, Miley Cyrus’ 8-year-old sister Noah was rumored to be starting a lingerie line for kids with her entrepreneurial 8-year-old friend Emily. Obviously, people freaked out about this, and for good reason. It’s sick and depraved. Sexualizing children is right on par with actually having sex with children, in our books, at least. Thankfully, though, the rumor has turned out to be fake.

The lingerie line that was rumored to be named “Ooh! La, La Couture” is already a company owned and operated by two moms that sell children’s clothing that’s a little out of the ordinary, but it’s not really in the realm of making little girls look like little whores.

We’re conflicted.

On the one hand, we’re very happy to hear that this isn’t real. The human side of us was disgusted and deeply troubled. If it were true, we would have been on the front lines of the “Hang Billy Ray Cyrus” marches and rallies that would have surely been held.

But, on the other hand, we’re deeply disappointed that we have lost such a golden opportunity that could have united the world under a single banner of hate. Like at the end of Watchmen, where Dr. Manhattan becomes the blame for a terrible tragedy; thereby, finally uniting the United States and Russian to take on, or at least be prepared to fight, a common enemy.  The Noah Cyrus lingerie line for kids could have been our Dr. Manhattan. Democrat, Republican; black, white; cats, dogs – all could have formed a nearly unstoppable collective of Fuck You that would have been directed toward the Cyrus demon brood.

But, sadly, it was not meant to be. Now we are forced to go back to making fun of the Cyrus clan because of their shitty music. And TV shows. And movies. And just their general existence. But the lingerie line could have been the sweet, sweet child exploiting cherry on top that would have allowed us to get rid of them entirely.

What could have been legions of people from all over burning little kiddy thongs and laced push-up bras is now nothing.

This is both a sad day and a joyous one. While we have gained some comforting knowledge, we have lost a grand opportunity.

Luckily, that Noah looks like she’s going to be a train wreck when she grows up. So, we have that to look forward to.