Why is Dick Cheney in a Bumper Car?

This photo is floating around the internet lately, and it’s a bit mysterious.  Just what’s going on here?  Why is Cheney in a suit in a bumper car?  Why does he look like he wants to kick your dog?  Who are those dirty hippies in the background?  Questions demand answers.  And baby, have we got answers.

FunnyCrave intern Gary hopped in the time machine we purchased on eBay last June and headed back to 1976, the scene of this photo, to get the goods on just what was happening.  When he returned he dished the dirt and explained how he not only invented rock n roll, but he slept with his mom at prom.  Weird.  Anyway, back to the photo.

The scene is an amusement park in downtown Butte, Montana.  A plucky young Cheney has arrived in town seeking new supplicants, support for his bid to run for political office, and the flesh of virgins.  What’s this?  A local carnival?  Excellent source for mirth and mayhem!

Cheney enters in his $40 brown wool suit and loafers and takes in the sights and smells.  Popcorn, vomit, hope.  These are the smells that fuel his fire.  He leaps on the back of a toddler and carries him behind a ticket booth where he devours the child before parents notice.  Then he laughs and returns to the boardwalk.

Cheney wanders from booth to booth, ride to ride, tripping elders and at one point punching an elephant right in the testicle.  And suddenly, and most unexpectedly, a democrat appears.  Cheney hisses and lashes with his claws, but the Democrat holds up a bundle of recycled paper as a shield then plants an oak to block the flurry of cat-like attacks from the spry Cheney.

Furious, and deathly allergic to nature, Cheney flees.  The Democrat pursues on a bicycle built for two.  His eco-friendly tracking method gains ground on Cheney, who runs on all fours and throws pedestrians in the path of his liberal hunter.

Finally, Cheney spots a potential advantage.  The hu-mans are at play on some manner of vehicular homicide simulator.  This will be a most excellent weapon!  Cheney gets in line.

The Democrat arrives and locks up his bicycle before enjoying some water and picking up litter.  When he gets into line he is three people behind Cheney and must wait his turn.  After the current round is over, the carny, a tawdry looking fellow who smells of VD, allows the new line of patrons to access the ride.  Cheney picks a blood red car while the Democrat opts for forest green.  The rest of the cars fill of quickly and the game of cat and mouse begins.

Cheney and the Democrat dance around the metallic field, the sparks on the ceiling mimicking their intense rage.  Or at least Cheney’s, the Democrat may be high.  They attempt to meet but Cheney bumped aside by a 12 year old.  Cheney shrieks and throws the child from the ride.

Suddenly the path is clear.  The two men are eye to eye and they accelerate.  Blood red fury meets forest green hippie and there’s a mild jolt before they bump away.  No one has even come close to being murdered.  Cheney rages and, in a moment of inspiration, convinces the public that the Democrat is a drug-addicted nogoodnik who wants to spend their tax dollars on giving houses to opium addicts and let criminals walk our children to school.  The public are shocked and horrified.  They beat the Democrat to a bloody pulp.  With his dying breath, the Democrat predicts a black man will be elected President after Cheney ends his term as Vice President.  Cheney breaks into hysterics and the image is caught on camera.