Why is David Hasselhoff Drunk?

Apparently David Hasselhoff’s daughter had to call an ambulance this Sunday to have her so drunk he needed an ambulance dad sent to the hospital for being so drunk. So very drunk. If you’ve ever seen America’s Got Talent you have to assume he’s either always drunk or semi-retarded. But anyway, this week he was really fucked. He was Hoffnedbriated. Three Hoffs to the wind. Drunk Hoff his ass. Suffering from alocohoff poisoning. Fuck, that really is fun.

But one has to wonder, why does David Hasslehoff drink? Isn’t he famous? Doesn’t he own a talking car and live on a beach? Doesn’t he judge awesome talent week in and week out? Did that video of him with a burger shame the shit out of him two years ago? So many questions. Let’s peruse some answers.

David Hasselhoff drinks because his son Hobie never really loved him. And he turned into this.

My mullet can cut glass. And suck ass.

David Hasselhoff drinks because Pam Anderson married Kid Rock and has typhoid or whatever the fuck disease that is.

PETA has freed me! You will all suffer!

David Hasselhoff drinks because of this album.

Hooked on a Feeling? More like Hooked on Awesome. Or shit.

David Hasselhoff drinks because this is what his videos look and sound like

David Hasselhoff drinks because the floor is comfy and that burger is delicious

David Hasselhoff drinks to forget Gary Coleman

What you talkin' 'bout? I'm talkin' 'bout depression.