Why is Chris Brown Being Blackballed?

Chris Brown is an angry man, and you know how bad that can be.  If you don’t, then we’ll just explain that was a tasteless and somewhat coy joke about his tendency to beat people.  Like Rihanna.  He’s abusive.

Anyway, apparently Chris Brown is also a musician and he released a new album recently but something is amiss in his world.  Seems that a lot of retailers are refusing to carry it and this in turn made Brown lose his mind the only way modern celebrities know how – on Twitter.  In 140 character snippets, many of those characters wasted on cussing, Brown ranted about the state of the world and how everyone sucks.  Every single person responsible for not selling or buying his album sucks.  More or less.  Then he apologized to the kids for all the cursing.  Don’t wanna let the kids down.  You might want to push them out of a moving car or whatever, but keep that language in check.

Brown has been convinced he’s being blackballed by the Zionist Wal Mart conspiracy that seeks to oppress all good artist.  Or maybe their Masons.  Can Masons being Zionist?  Doesn’t matter, someone’s blackballing him.  More black balls are being tossed around than you can shake a stick at.

In an effort to get to the bottom of things, Brown even went to a Wal Mart himself, hopefully incognito with a wicked cool mustache and such, and tried to find his album only to discover it was not on the shelves!!  Conspiracy!!  Although the manager said it was because they were sold out, which may be the exact opposite of a blackballing conspiracy but that’s neither here nor there.

Brown is convinced the music industry is out to get him and pointed out the entire industry can now kiss his ass.  But is that enough?  Funnycrave needed to get to the bottom of this cafuffle so we sent our team across the nation to track down Brown’s album and, if we didn’t find it on shelves, get to the bottom of just why his blood, sweat and tears are not available for his loyal fans (the ones he hasn’t beaten or cussed at).

After days of looking, we determined that there is definitely a lack of Chris Brown’s new album on the shelves.  And when we spoke to retailers, here are the answers we got;

Gary, Manager of a large chain store in New Jersey – “It’s because of that beating his girlfriend thing.”

Luke, store manager from Oklahoma –“He’s the one who beat his girlfriend, right?  Yeah, we don’t support that.”

Arnold, manager from South Dakota – “People still buy CDs?”

Susan, manager from Texas – “My Zionist Mason masters told me to not stock it.  Because he beat Rihanna.”

Larry, manager from New York – “Isn’t he a wife beater?  Yeah, fuck him.”

Paul, manager from Iowa – “We had the album on release day, but then we got this memo about how it’s not worth it to stock albums from mediocre musicians who beat their girlfriends then go on preposterous and juvenile internet rants.”

Sven, manager from Alabama – “We have it, it’s over there next to Ike Turner’s Greatest Hits.  Ba dum bum”.

According to Rollingstone, it’s predicted Brown’s album will be number 3 on Billboard’s Top 200 with sales around 95,000-110,000, so maybe those balls aren’t as black as they could be, but the numbers are still a lot lower than his previous album in 2007 which almost cracked 300,000 in its first week.  If we had to guess, we’d say it has something to do with him being a jackass.  But that’s just us.  We’re blackballers like that.