When I wrote an article about Free Republic and the dolts who frequent the site, a lot of the sulky feedback from conservatives wasn’t “We’re not all like this” or “This is only a very narrow subset of conservative thought” (both of which are completely accurate); it was “You’d never do an article like this about Democratic Underground!”  Which, you know, you’d think you’d want to emphasize that Freepers were all loons like we did in our article, but whatever.

So, I tried, I really did.  But I failed, because I know far-left douchebags way too well and thus my satire meter is broken.  I’m a victim of Poe’s Law; some of Democratic Underground may be satire by conservative trolls, but it’s all seemingly legit to me.

I spent my teenage years in and around a small town in Vermont that was literally crawling with organic-food-munching Phish-listening douchebags that would make Abbie Hoffman cry with their failure. Eight years around these kinds of people quickly teaches you something important: there’s no practical difference between a far-right douchebag and a far-left douchebag.  They want the same thing: to be absolutely, incontrovertibly right, even when they’re not, and for you to obey every word that drops from their god-like lips.

In short, they’re bullies.  And worse, they’re stupid.

A little backstory as to how Vermont became infested with douchebags: in the ’60s, all the hippies moved to Vermont because they wanted to be one with nature and the land was cheap for communes.  Then they figured out that the guy founding the commune was a psychotic control freak and that being one with nature got boring fast when you weren’t stoned, so they moved to small towns in Vermont, and started trying to create the free, open world they wanted by telling everybody what to do and how to do it, because Vermont was theirs now and Daddy said so.

Let’s use shopping giant Wal-Mart as an example.

 

Pictured: Walmarthos, the ancient, murderous god Walmart is named after.

There are many valid reasons to hate Wal-Mart, none of which were actually used by the people opposing the presence of Wal-Mart in Vermont when I was growing up.  It was all about not despoiling Vermont with chain stores, despite the fact that the town had a strip that was nothing but chain stores for a mile or more.

Wal-Mart wanted to come to my town, because a place called Ames had just closed and thus, there was a huge space available, right on the commercial strip.  It was an eyesore, it was vacant, and Wal-Mart wanted to fill it.  No problem, right?

The douchebags rose as one and roared that Wal-Mart wouldn’t violate Vermont here, no sir no how!  “It might hurt local businesses that they neither bought stuff from nor cared about!  It’s fundamentally anti-capitalism!  Or something! Whatever!…No Wal-Mart!”

So instead, Wal-Mart went across the river to New Hampshire to a spot literally less than five hundred feet from the other major business district in town, which held their precious Co-Op, dynamited the side of a mountain, built their store, and not only drove a few local businesses off, also managed to make the town’s traffic problems about 100% worse.

Which could have been solved with a roundabout, but there was a crappy little park (nicknamed Wino Park because that’s where the hoboes slept) that nobody used, and we can’t pave our precious greenspace!  The douchebags shot that down too.

So, just to review, instead of filling a vacant space (which stayed vacant for years), collecting sales tax from a major corporation, and preventing serious traffic problems, the hippies succeeded instead blowing the shit out of “Mother Gaia” and all the businesses they were worried about shut down anyway. This was soon followed by huge traffic problems with lots of extra pollution, and no tax revenue.  Good job!

The collected short-sightedness of hippies is one of earth’s most highly reactive natural resources

 

And the racial politics were even worse.

Something you have to understand: Vermont has all the diversity of a Klan rally.  The Census recently came out and it was discovered Vermont had finally broken the 5% non-white barrier…5.1% of Vermonters didn’t identify as Caucasian. Leave that out and it’s 94.9%.  We’re less diverse than Idaho, and Idaho has a Nazi problem.

So, anything about race is already blitheringly retarded, because it’s a bunch of white people arguing over, say, the Black experience without bothering to consult anything other than a VHS copy of Roots. There’s nothing more ridiculous than a white man taking offense on behalf of a group of people he probably moved to Vermont to get away from in the first place.

For example, my high school mascot was the Colonel, basically an off-brand Colonel Sanders.  Why?  Because the town was in the southern part of the state, so it was “the Pride of the South”.  Most Vermont schools have stupid sports team names: our big rivals were the Cosmos, from a town that had probably never seen a telescope, and the Terriers, from a town that even hicks made fun of.  It’s a dumb joke that I’m pretty sure nobody has ever, ever found funny.

While I was in school, some white guy decided to get all offended on behalf of the Black teenagers attending my high school, who one and all really didn’t care and told him so to his face.  Apparently, he felt that having a Southern anything was automatically demeaning towards Black people, because as we all know, all those race problems in Boston in the ’70s were secretly elaborately staged and all Southern people just hate them the shit out of those uppity n-words.

This became a huge flap at my school, for no discernable reason, because nobody in the school cared about our mascot.  We all thought it was retarded.  Not even the sports teams cared; mostly they were annoyed the Terriers had the same color scheme.  So, faced with the apathy of the entire student body and the obvious stupidity of this…it derailed school board meetings for weeks and nearly ensured the budget didn’t pass, meaning we wouldn’t have been able to go to school because some honky with a trust fund didn’t like other white people.

Then it got more stupid.  The hick kids, who had never left Vermont, forget going to the South, started putting up Confederate flag decals on their trucks.  I have never met a Southerner, of any color, who didn’t find this absolutely hilarious.  These kids were doing it to piss off the hippies, and probably because the flag looked cool on their country albums.

The only flag that can be considered an internet troll

 

The Confederate flag is a divisive and flawed symbol, to put it mildly, and there have been serious, intelligent discussions about what it represents and what it means to different groups.  None of which were held in my town.  Instead a bunch of the douchebag kids nearly beat up a redneck in the hall of the high school.

Yes, really.

If all of this sounds insane, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.  After I left, these dimwits tried to protest the war in Iraq by impeaching Bush, because the head of the free world is completely accountable to small Vermont towns that didn’t vote for him in the first place, and  actually forced the town to put public nudity laws into place after they started running around naked.  Compare this to San Francisco, with supposedly a much higher nutball quotient: the closest they got was trying to name a sewage plant after Bush, and according to South Park, everybody on the left in San Francisco smells their own farts.

No wonder I can’t mine satire out of these people: they’re self-satirizing.

If you liked this, follow FunnyCrave on Twitter and Facebook!