Why Hollywood Keeps Making the Same Awful Movies

Around the Oscars, the quality of Hollywood always comes up.  People gripe about Hollywood all the time, as if going to the movies were a forced chore instead of something you’re supposed to do for fun.  “There’s nothing original”, they complain.  “It’s all remakes and sequels!”  “Why doesn’t Hollywood ever have any new ideas?”

Well, luckily, we’ve found the culprit: the audience.  Yes, it’s your fault, and here’s why:

Most Filmgoers are Teenagers

Seriously, the audience is mostly teenagers (www.mpaa.org/MovieAttendanceStudy.pdf).  Go to your average multiplex if you don’t believe us.  Wall-to-wall jailbait and awkwardness will abound.

And Hollywood knows it.  You know why the trailer for “She’s Out of My League” is inescapable?  Because Hollywood knows teenagers will go to see it.  They’re the ones with the time, the disposable income, and the lack of taste.  It doesn’t matter what the guy with the college degree or the well-paying job thinks: he’s got other things to waste his money on, like his family.  It’s the teenager with disposable income Hollywood really cares about.

Bad Reviews Just Make a Movie More Successful

A lot of movie critics bitch and whine about the death of the movie critic, but this operates on a foolish assumption, namely that anybody gave a shit what they thought in the first place.

It’s generally proven that unless a movie has negative buzz going in, like “Gigli” or “Pluto Nash”, it’s going to make money regardless.  Maybe not in theaters, but by the time they sell it to home video, or to HBO, or to Bulgaria, it’ll make a profit.

Basically, they don’t care if you say bad things about their movie, as long as you say it to as many people as humanly possible.  That way, more people will hear about their movie and some will be foolish enough to go see it.

Hollywood Knows It’ll Get You In The End

You see a trailer for a shitty movie.  Maybe not colossally shitty.  Maybe just average-shitty.  Do you say

A) “Man, nothing could make me see that shitty movie?”
or
B) “Eh, I’ll rent it.”

So, basically, you’re saying “I’m going to pay to have my eyeballs raped forcibly, just not right now.”  Hollywood still makes money.  In fact, Hollywood makes the majority of its money off of rentals and home video sales, which is why they throw such massive hissy fits over piracy; if movie piracy ever really becomes as widespread as they pretend it is, they’re more screwed than the actress in the sex scene they won’t show you.

You Keep Going To Shitty Movies

You can deny this up and down and left and right, but the numbers don’t lie: everybody reading this turns out bigtime for shitty movies.

Let’s look at Michael Bay. Everybody hates Michael Bay.  He makes big, stupid movies that everybody thinks are moronic.  Robot Chicken has made fun of this guy, and their cash cow is a humping robot.

You know how much Michael Bay’s last movie made, worldwide?  $900 million.  You know how much that movie made in the US?  $350 million.  This is the same thing as Michael Bay asking everybody in America to give him a dollar, and they actually did it.  Some of them even gave him a little extra.

And that’s the thing.  This movie was a sequel to a shitty movie, based on a toy line, starring a guy generally seen as a huge douchebag and a future trophy wife half the Internet thinks has a penis.  On paper, this movie shouldn’t have made a nickel, forget making 90% of what “The Dark Knight” pulled in.

But Hollywood marketed the shit out of it, and you decided to go see it.  Maybe because you loved the toys, maybe because you needed to kill two hours, maybe because you were hoping Megan Fox would have a nip-slip.  And that’s ten more dollars telling Hollywood to fire up the septic pump and hose us down with more crap.

So What Can We Do?

If you really want to improve the quality of movies, just do this: refuse to watch shitty movies.  Seriously.  That’s all it takes.  Don’t buy a ticket, don’t buy a DVD, don’t rent them, don’t catch them on HBO, don’t even torrent them.  Instead, watch any of the good movies Hollywood has actually produced over the years: after a century they’ve turned out a couple of good ones.

Simple, right?  Sure it is.

See you at “Transformers 3.”