Why Does Mommy Have That Haircut?

Hey kids, Uncle FunnyCrave here.  Come on over and have a seat.  We need to talk.  You’ve probably noticed Mommy’s new super short haircut and wondered what the heck was going on.  Did mommy have an accident?  Did she go crazy?  Ha ha ha!  The answer is yes.  Mommy went super crazy.  Lots of your friends’ mommy’s probably have that same haircut don’t they?  But not all. Some still have the long, pretty hair of a real lady.  But not your mommy.  Not anymore.  Don’t cry though, we’ll explain what happened.

See, there’s a couple of things that could account for mommy’s desire to abandon her femininity.  So follow along and see if any of this sounds like your mommy, then you’ll know just what happened and maybe we can help you deal with it.

Mommy Has Given Up

She just doesn’t care anymore.  Sometimes this happens to mommies who don’t have enough love in their hearts.  They get up one morning and their long, pretty hair is a bit of a tangled mess and they think of everything they need to do today and they use big mommy words like “ah, fuck it” and just hack that shit clean off.  Don’t worry, those don’t count as swears.

Mommy doesn’t worry about being pretty anymore or attracting a man because she’s stuck with daddy and stuck is forever or until a reasonable excuse for manslaughter pops up.  Mommy doesn’t go out and she doesn’t have time to do anything extracurricular except drink her special juice that you’re old enough to know is straight vodka.

Because of this, mommy just cut all that hair down to what we call a “page boy” cut.  It’s the last, passive aggressive way to try to fight back, because mommy doesn’t understand that no one cares.  If this sounds like your mommy we’ve got bad news for you – mommy is never coming back.  Her haircut will slowly become more and more like your grandfather’s for the rest of your life.

If you need to be sure that this is what happened to your mother, here’s a handy checklist.  Pay close attention for the next few days and see how many of these apply.

• she uses wet naps to clean under her arms
• she picks apart cigarette butts to make new cigarettes
• when food falls on her shirt, she calls the dog to clean it off
• if there’s no toilet paper, she just takes a quick shower
• she makes sandwiches out of leftover macaroni and cheese
• she half lifts to fart
• it’s easier to lift a boob and slip something like a sandwich under there to keep it safe for a minute than to get up and put it on a table

Mommy Plays for the Other Team

It’s possible this didn’t happen to your mommy though.  It’s possible your mommy’s new haircut is the result of not loving daddy any more.  This isn’t because daddy is a bad man, it’s because he doesn’t have the capacity to love your mommy in the way she needs, which is to say daddy is a man.  Your mommy does not love men anymore.

If you’re not sure if this is right, there are some clues you can search for in your day to day life to explain mommy’s new brush cut.  Does your mom row competitively? Is she in the WNBA?  Does she golf?  These hobbies indicate your mom may have decided she no longer wants to eat beef and prefers fish.  If that metaphor went over your head, it’s OK.  We just mean mommy has a thing for vagina now and isn’t so much fond of penis.  Mommy is what the government has labeled a “communist dyke.”  She has chosen a path that is generally only hot in movies and college, not that you need to worry about that.  It’s hard to say whether it’s more or less creepy to acknowledge your mother in a hot lesbian relationship.

There are some easy ways to tell right off the bat if your mommy has cut her hair like that so that she can be the “butch” in a relationship with a new special friend.  Keep your eyes open and look out for mommy doing anything like this:

• she kisses women
• she brings women home to watch movies you’re not allowed to see
• her underwear drawer is full of strap-on prosthetic penii
• she has stopped shaving her legs and/or armpits
• she introduces you to your second mommy
• she refers to herself in writing as “womyn”
• she gets angry about something called a phallocracy (which isn’t even a real word)
• she orders Filet-O-Fish at McDonalds

Mommy is Unclean

Maybe your mommy’s new look isn’t a lifestyle choice so much as a medical requirement.  If mommy has to make monthly visits to a clinic to see a doctor and get new pills, it’s possible mommy has a bit of sickness that makes her a “crack whore.”  Of course, that’s a whole different article, isn’t it?

Still, during mommy’s time as a “crack whore” when she was “running trains” and rimming “cabbies” she may have picked up a nasty bug or two.  It happens to everyone once in a while.  Everyone who rims cabbies.

The result of this is maybe it starts burning when mommy pees (or when she blinks) and as a result she needs to go to that clinic again and see another doctor who will shave off much of mommy’s hair and give her some special ointment to help ease the terrible burn.  Mommy’s new haircut is just to ensure she stops the proliferation of disease-carrying lice, mites, ticks and scabies which frequent the sorts of places she tends to jam her face.

If you think this might have happened to your mommy, be on the lookout for some of these signs:

• Her nose is always runny even when she doesn’t have a cold and she seems to be very twitchy
• You have a new uncle every day and he only visits for 15 minutes
• She goes out for groceries and doesn’t come back until the next week
• She offers to blow you for what’s in your piggy bank
• If she doesn’t take her medicine she might spend all day crying on the toilet

As you can see, there are any number of reasons that mommy decided to forsake womanhood and become a CHUD.  But whatever the reason, rest assured it’s not your fault it’s just that mommy doesn’t love you anymore and probably never will again.