Whites Only Basketball Coming to Meld Sportsmanship and Intolerance

The most excellent thing that can happen on any news day is a story about an industrious asshole, so we have to tip our hats to Don “Moose” Lewis, the commission of the All-American Basketball Association.  Haven’t heard of it?  Of course not, it’s crap Lewis just made up.  It’s a white folk-only basketball league and we’re sure it’s going to be super popular if the Confederacy gets around to winning that war.

Apparently Lewis was sitting in his mobile home one day darning the holes in his Klan hood and thinking how terrible basketball is, but how wondrous it would be if only white people played.  Surely everyone’s thought that before.  Imagine if Vlade Divac was the starting center for every team.  Well, sorry, you can’t.  Vlade was Serbian, and the AABA only accepts American-born players.  So maybe imagine Stephen Nash.  Except he’s Canadian.  Imagine Larry Bird, in 12 different cities, playing a game of Horse by himself.  That’s the dream of the AABA.

Lewis wants you to know he’s not racist.  He may also be looking for hardworking people who don’t tan easily to look after his plantation when he’s off running the league.  But seriously though, he’s not a racist.  See, he just wants to give the good people of America a game they can enjoy, because white, American-born people are in the minority (damn those minorities, becoming the majority on us), a game of fundamental basketball, not that street ball people of color play.  For real, he said that.

See, because recently a player from the Washington Wizards brought guns with him into the locker room, so it’s about time to pack up the NBA, man.  Lewis also iced the cake by saying “Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?”  No sir.  No, I do not want to worry about those things.  But in today’s NBA, and in sports in general, it’s expected that players are going to rape our women and steal our cars.  What are we, as fans, to do?

The answer is Caucasian.

Lewis likely spent many an hour by the light of a burning cross studying books on biology, physiology, and all sorts of ologies to discover that the key to stamping out crotch grabbing is whiteness.  Or is it?  Mr. Lewis, we have something we’d like you to see.

White guy basketball is about as retarded as a Jersey Shore Spelling Bee.  Go back to the trailer, dude.