Which Mad Man Are You?
By Kristi Harrison
The fourth season of everyone’s favorite period drama about amoral beautiful people working at a Manhattan ad agency in the early 1960′s premiered last night. We were at the ladies auxiliary ice cream social at church, so we missed it. But we know that people care about Mad Men, because we have eyes to see and ears to hear. And more importantly, we know that people are self-involved and egotistical enough to want to know which Mad Man they are the most like. Which is why we created this ridiculously precise and totally scientifically accurate quiz. Good luck!
Which of the following personality types is the most like you?
A. You are handsome and mysterious.
You have deliberately hidden your past from those closest to you, while building a successful and enviable career as creative director of Sterling Cooper Ad Agency. You are fair, but tough with co-workers, who look to you for leadership and guidance. You are unfaithful to your beautiful wife, at the risk of losing your perfect home and family. Your real name is Richard Whitman. Your face is so perfect that it hurts to look at you.
B. One time you got pregnant and didn’t know it.
You are a woman who is ambitious and smart, eager to make a place for yourself in the advertising world. You work hard and stay late yet you’re learning to embrace all that a 60′s liberated woman has access to. Kudos for getting those bangs dealt with…they were not your best look. You like sticking in your female opinion as often as possible, and are rewarded appropriately when it is useful. Your looks confuse many; here we are on season 4 and this household can not decide if you are kind of cute or altogether unfortunate looking. Remember that time you smoked a joint in the office?
C. You did the hanky panky with #B, and got her pregnant.
You also tried to blackmail #A, but that didn’t pan out too well for you, did it? You can’t get your wife pregnant, probably because her insides are rotten, and you rock a mean blue suit. You’re whiny and smug, and you walk around with Wil Wheaton’s 1988 face on. Still, #A trusts you enough to let you set up shop at his new ad agency, so consider yourself lucky.
D. You are a breathtakingly beautiful housewife who has just about lost her marbles.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like Grace Kelly. We get it. What you ought to try to look like is a woman who reads to her kids every now and then. Or plays some Monopoly or something, jeesh. You look at your children like they’ve got AIDS streaming out of their pores and dripping down to the floor. They don’t. AIDS wasn’t even invented yet. Get a grip.
E. You live fast and hard and will probably die of a heart attack this very day.
You are the boss who just stopped giving a damn about living through the night. If Mad Men took place in the 80s you’d be Less than Zero by now. You’d be wearing a shiny power suit and your nose would be perpetually bleeding. Your hair would be died blond and spiked up with LA Looks spray gel. And you’d most definitely have some kind of venereal disease by this point. As it is, in 1964 your life is pretty sweet. Minus the impending liver disease and lung cancer.
F. If Webster’s dictionary had a picture of the word ‘bombshell,’ and that picture was not literally a photo of the carcass of a spent missile, it would be a picture of you.
Your hair is red, but not a God-given natural red. It’s the kind of red the Devil gives out when he wants to see a little action. And the same could be said for your bosom and caboose. You’re competent and smart, but have a habit of letting your ASSets and BOOBsets do the talking for you, so no one knows if you’re some kind of secret genius or just a walking jiggle farm. You are a mystery.
Now, add up your points and find out which Mad Man you are!
If you answered A, you are
Ted Kaczynski
You are afraid of technology and its hold on modern society. So you will take to a cabin without running water and electricity and write a manifesto about how overdevelopment is going to destroy all that society values. Then you sent out bombs to make your point hit home. You will kill people with these bombs. And yes, you will divorce your wife and lose custody of your children eventually.
If you picked letter B, you are
The Crazy Astronaut Lady
Once a promising astronaut who actually made it out to space and everything, you lost it and lost it hard when you found out your astronaut boyfriend was cheating on you. Girl, you put on diapers. DIAPERS. And then you packed a wig and trench coat and some pepper spray and a 2 pound drilling hammer before you took off to confront your rival. What were you thinking you were going to do with that hammer? And rubber tubing? You crazy.
If you are most like letter C, you are
Grigori Rasputin
You are powerful, manipulative and impossible to kill. You have untold mystical spiritual powers, including the ability to heal hemophilia. As Debbie Gibson once said, I get lost in your eyes. Literally…I think I just passed out for about 30 seconds after staring at this picture. You are one mad monk.
If you are most like D, you are
Sylvia Plath
Step back and smell the roses every now and then, sweet potato. First off, you’re beautiful. So there’s that. Do you know how many people would put on a diaper and drive 900 miles with a wig and trench coat to have your life? Dozens, at least. There are children starving in Darfur or something. Stop being sad, you ingrate.
If you identify the most with letter E, you are
Gary Busey
You almost got an Oscar, and no one remembers why. Everyday you get closer and closer to that moment when you will actually transform into a deranged rabbit and attempt to deliver some Easter eggs to unsuspecting children. The Easter Eggs will be made of your own spit and body hair. Inside each egg will be a fortune with one of your ridiculous aphorisms on it. Most of them will say BUSEY STANDS FOR BREAD UNDER STARMAN EXIT YAKIMA. ENJOY!
Finally, if letter F is who you most identify with, you are
Anna Nicole Smith
You’ve got all the crazy of the above, plus a brain-addling drug addiction, minus the smarts to actually commit crime or do anything interesting, which makes you the worst kind of mad man. A boring one. A dead, boring mad man. Too bad, so sad for you.
