Everyone loves nuts. Except people with nut allergies, but they’re not really people so much as examples God has made of the wicked. I mean seriously, you can’t eat nuts? Huh, Precious? Yeah…
Anyways, for us normals, nuts are awesome. Or are there? Your choice of edible nut says more about you than you would have ever guessed, and not just because I’m making this shit up while I type it. No sir. Take a look.
Peanuts – This is the lazy man nut and, technically, isn’t even a nut. It’s a legume. Do you know the difference? There isn’t one. Peanuts are nuts and anyone who says different is trying to be difficult, so you’re best to just slap the sass out of their sassy mouths. How’s that taste, sassy? Bitter? Is it bitter? It’s bitter.
Those who choose the peanut can be subdivided into a number of categories due to the peanut’s versatility and/or its status as the welfare mother of the nut world.
- Unsalted peanuts: If you enjoy unsalted nuts, you are boring.
- Salted peanuts: If you prefer salty nuts, it’s because you’re still boring, but want to die sooner.
- Chocolate covered peanuts: You’re a bad person
- Candy coated peanuts (beer nuts): You’re a solid citizen. People should trust you with money.
- Spiced peanuts: You’re about 70% trustworthy, which means if you housesit for a friend, you’ll go through their underwear and maybe throw a party but you’re not going to steal shit.
Pecans – My, aren’t we fancy? We can all agree a pecan is tasty, but don’t overdo it unless you’re a southern gentleman who may or may not murder transients. If you wear an offwhite suit and drink mint juleps, it’s acceptable to snack on these any time. The rest of us should leave them to special occasions like Christmas and funerals, lest we become too full of ourselves.
Almonds – If you prefer almonds, you’re driven by excitement and life on the edge, because almonds and cyanide are like old college roommates who pretend to be sleeping when the other guy is very audibly masturbating to internet porn.
Walnuts – If you prefer the walnut, you’re probably old and a bit off. Likely you also own your own nutcracker, which is something that normal people just don’t have.
Brazil Nuts – If your favorite nut is the Brazil nut, one of two things just happened. You either lied to a comedy article, or you’re fucking disgusting. Brazil nuts are gross.
Pine Nuts – I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know if these qualify as real nuts. Plus I’ve never eaten one. Therefore if you have, and it’s your favorite kind of nut, I have to assume you’re a bit of a hippie. Is there a funk of patchouli about you? Figures.
Cashews – A cashew is a pretty goddamn tasty nut, plus it’s all gonzo curved, which is zany and fun when compared to the rest of the nut world looking all smooth or brain-like and trying to be all cool and shit when really, you guys are nuts. Get on my Thai food and shut the fuck up, miright? Anyways, if cashews are your favorite nuts, you probably get laid a lot and have good hair.
Pistachios – This is the nut of choice of drunken, wise men. These dudes found universal truths at the bottom of a bottle of medication they have to take because of how badly their liver is damaged. 9 times out of 10 that just makes them a piss tank, but sometimes it gives them a sage wisdom in a kind of Hemingway fashion. Plus these are some tasty nuts.
Hazelnuts – This is a bit of a queer nut. No offense or anything, but probably you sit to pee.
Macadamia nuts – These things cost like $50 a pound. Or maybe $5, honestly I’m not even going to look it up. And they taste vaguely like solidified butter chunks that someone wiped a real nut across. If you like macadamias, you’re devoid of human emotion.
Chestnuts – I honestly don’t think anyone’s ever really eaten one of these since at least the 1950’s.
Coconut – If a coconut is your favorite nut, you like to cut corners and coast through life. Coconut is barely a nut at all, it’s the size of a goddamn bowling ball (assuming you enjoy 5 pin, and that’s exactly what I am assuming) and it’s mostly associated with monkeys and beaches. You’re just living a lie, so cut it out.