You can’t see it, but my cat is staring at me right now. He’s been doing it for a good 4 minutes already. He rarely blinks and it’s getting creepy. I don’t know what his intentions are, but I’m certain they’re not good.
I’m sure many of you have found yourselves in this same situation. It can be awkward. So, to help out, I’m going to tell you a few things you can do to turn this awkwardness in to awesomeness.
1) Attempt to explode the cat’s head – I don’t mean put your cat’s head in a vice or something fucked up and sexy like that. I mean try to pull some Jedi Mind Trick action and get that bastard’s head to pop while using only the power of your head – your mind, specifically. You can try to accomplish this goal by staring at your cat with some twitchy eyes and by making your head vibrate just a little, like you’re trying to move a boulder. What also helps is holding out your middle and index fingers and pointing them at the cat’s head. Your hand should also be shaking. Adding in the hand makes everyone around you know that you are trying to make the cat’s head explode, and not the other way around.
2) Staring contest — cat’s don’t need to blink like you and I. I have no idea if that’s true. At all. It just seems that way. Regardless, you should stare at them right the fuck back. See who wins. If your cat wins, congrats. You’ve just be demoted to somewhere lower on the food chain. I think life places you in harm’s way of the entire rodent kingdom. If you win, gloat about it. Make your cat feel like shit. Call your cat a loser. A blinky little shit. Make fun of your cat and their need to keep their eyes moistened.
3) Start Some Shit – What’s up, cat? What’chu looking at, cat? You wanna go? You wanna throw down with me? I’m a human, motherfucker! I’ll beat your ass till your half-passed dead, like that Steven Seagal movie! Don’t look at me cat! You haven’t earned the right to look at me! I’m a human! I demand your respect! …that’s just some of the things that you can say to make yourself feel more empowered when life kicks your ass to the ground then places its boot on your throat.