What the [French], Europe?: A Profanity-Free Treatise On The Subject of The European Economy

[Editorial note: all profanity has been replaced with an apt substitute]

Dear Europe:

Dude, what the [French] are you doing? Do you have any [French]ing idea what the [French] you’re doing? A bunch of goat-cheese eaters are unable to budget any of their [French]ing money and it’s about to take all of us down because you couldn’t keep these guys in line? Seriously?! COME ON!

We can’t believe this. We’re up to our necks in [French] already. We’ve got economic problems, a weak recovery, a possible double-dip recession, and now we’re going to get kicked in the [French] by Greece? GREECE? How the [French] did this happen?

Here’s the basic problem: we all know Greece can’t keep its financial [French] together to pay its debt. That hasn’t stopped it from issuing bonds left and right because, just like a pet that thinks it’s people, you European nations think you’re America and can just issue bonds left and right, never realizing that the reason we do that is because we’ve got more guns than anybody else. Seriously, we can default all we want. If you don’t like it, we’ll nuke you. AMERICA! [FRENCH] YEAH!

Greece can’t nuke anybody. In fact, the CIA tells us the Greek Army has trouble getting the forces they’re fighting to stop ordering gyros and actually shoot at them. So, once it became clear that paying back these bonds wasn’t going to happen, they actually went to you and asked you for a couple of hundred billion in welfare, and you, being socialists, gave it to them.

Now, they’re trying to hike taxes even further because apparently Greece really, really wants to be part of the Third World, and they’re borrowing even more money. And paying for it with bonds.

Seriously, Europe, enough. It’s time we cut our losses and just brought in the liquidators. And by that we mean let’s nuke these guys until they glow. That’ll learn ‘em!