Someday, in the way-far-out-there-future, low-level khaki clad Internet anthropologist robots (interthropolobots?) are going to get the crap job of reading through 21st century humor websites to determine who populated the Internets in its infancy. When that day comes, it won’t be the well-researched, hilarious articles about finger toe shoes that are going to inform their historical records. No, it’s going to be the comments about those articles that define us to future generations. And on that day, those interthropolobots will have but one thing to report: “those people were a bunch of damn idiots.” Why? Because of stuff like this…
What the commenter intended: I own this article because I’m commenting first. Suck it, monkeys. I win!!!!1!!1!11!
What this will say about us (best case scenario): Internet users took outrageous pride in being the first to read works that were created by people they didn’t actually know. The commenters had low self-esteem, as evidenced by this vicarious boastfulness. And they liked exclamation marks. Sometimes their lower case laser scribes didn’t work.
What this will say about us (worst case scenario): There were actual, physical races to be the first commenter of every article. Winners were awarded trophies and fancy sashes which they wore with great pride. These people were idiots.
What the commenter intended: This was not very humorous. Please try harder next time.
What this will say about us (best case scenario): Access to free comedy was once an unalienable Zee#grak given right most likely numbered among the so-called ‘Bill of Rights’ destroyed in the third Cylon administration. And not just mediocre comedy, really hilarious, pee-your-pants good comedy. Writers who did not deliver were publicly berated and shamed for their ineptitude.
What this will say about us (worst case scenario): Scattered among commenters were comedy judges hired BY THE ACTUAL INTERNET to give their opinions on everything, ever. While judges weren’t selected for their spelling skills, tact, intelligence or ability to read, they were chosen for their ability to type out pronouncements of boredom and annoyance. Most judges were not found to have made any other contributions to the Internet world, other than their variations of ‘meh’ and ‘ur gay.’ These people were idiots.
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What the commenter intended: Ha ha ha. Good job. Go to this site now. It’s good, too.
What this will say about us (best case scenario): There must have been subtle nuances that inexplicably connected articles about badass American First Ladies to interracial intercourse. Baffled interthropolobots look for expired hologram footnotes to explain the associations. They never find them. Then their wiring bursts into flames of frustration. Conclusion: evidence of the connections were lost in the second robot revolution.
What this will say about us (worst case scenario): Messages like these were ciphers for and from the robots. This specific one translates ‘December 21, 2011. Google Earth infiltration. Be ready. B l a c k W h i t e l o v i n g.c O m.’ We warned them, and they still did nothing. These people were idiots.
What the commenter intended: I appreciate what you have to say, and I hate to be pedantic, but you were 100% wrong in the following instances…
What this will say about us (best case scenario): Accuracy was key. Scholarship was appreciated and rewarded. Possibly monetarily. Certainly with gratitude and warm wishes of future success in article correcting. Maybe with pudding.
What this will say about us (worst case scenario): Roaming nano fact checkers inhabited the series of tubes that connected the Internet. Some specialized in grammar, others worked with historical trivia. Some were dedicated exclusively to health care statistics. Still others didn’t specialize in anything, but were decoy correctors sent to muddle intelligent feedback. These were the ones that eventually took over the Internet in the Youtube Commenter Coup of 2025. These people were idiots.
What the commenter intended: Rolling on the floor, laughing. Laughing my ass off. Laugh out loud. Silly face.
What this will say about us (best case scenario): People were clumsy. They got high a lot. They didn’t have their non-emotive chips inserted yet.
What this will say about us (worst case scenario): Gaaaaaay!