What if Glenn Beck Worked For QVC?

Hello, America. Gee, you know, I’m just so glad you could join me today because today is a very important day here for the “Glenn Beck Super Saver Hour.” Today, I will show you how you can escape the tyranny of dirty carpets with the aid of the Patriot Power Suck Vacuum.  But, believe it or not, there are actually people in this country, within the vacuum cleaner design and manufacturing industry, that would rather you drown in your own filth then live in a clean home.

Who are these people that are preventing you from owning a device that will rid your home of dirt (which, by the way, is what the Patriot Power Suck Vacuum can do for you after you call the number at the bottom of your screen and pay the ultra low price of $285.95)?

OH, HO HO HO HO, America! I’ll show you! Come with me over to the blackboard where I have all of the names and faces of the people involved in this massive, SPRAWLING web of interconnected liars and cheats that are trying to prevent you from buying a Patriot Power Suck Vacuum for the ultra low price of $285.95. All of them, mind you, ARE ALL CURRENTLY WORKING WITHIN THE VACUUM CLEANER DESIGN AND MANUFACTURING INDUSTRY! America, It…It saddens me…it breaks my heart to see this Level OF DISHONESTY CLOGGING THE SUCTION TUBE OF THE AMERICAN FREE MARKET!

Take a look at the chalkboard. Right off the bat, our first liar and cheat, Mr. Franklin Hoffstra, President of Eureka Vacuums. Wait, you know Eureka, right? As in “Eureka! I sold my soul to Sears decades ago!”? Yeah, that Eureka! The same Eureka that two years ago boasted about how “revolutionary” their Progressive Vacuum Wheel Movement was going to be. Today, we all know that the Progressive movement was a lie that was an attempt to destroy the vacuum cleaner industry.Well, in another attempt to warp your minds, President Hoffstra recently said, and I quote, “I Believe the Eureka Comfort Clean vacuum is one of the most powerful and easy to use vacuums money can buy.” Those are his own words, America! President Hoffstra of the Eureka conglomerate blatantly lied to you.

How do I know? See, this—this is what I’m talking about, America.  Watch, listen to this, this is a quote…and you won’t believe this when you hear it it’s—it’s incredible, this is a quote from Amazon.com user Don. P. in his review for the Eureka Comfort Clean vacuum: “The suction isn’t as strong as I would prefer it to be, and it had trouble with some Fruit Loops I spilled but, you know, whatever. It’s a vacuum.”

It’s a vacuum indeed, Don. A vacuum of lesser quality. Endorsed by a man of lesser morals.

But it’s not just Hoffstra that’s trampling all over your ability to purchase a Patriot Power Suck vacuum for the ultra low price of $285.95. Just look at the board. There’s Sandra Olivia whose company, in 2007, released a line of vacuums that couldn’t even meet the National Vacuum Alliance’s standard for glass pick up. And what company is she the V.P. of? As some of my long time viewers may already know, Sandra is the Vice President of Hoover. Shocking, I know. But it only gets worse, America…

Ronald Schleker, Vice President of Sales for Dirt Devil, is under suspicion of making deals with (who else?) SEARS in order to get them to move Dirt Devils to the front of their vacuum cleaner aisles for greater visibility. Dirt Devils, by the way, can’t even clean up a handful of dirt! It’s a fact! Tha—that doesn’t even make any sense to me!  It’s in your name for crying out loud! Do your job!

Marshall Welling, President of GE, was accused, only months ago, accused of illegally testing out the Patriot Power Suck vacuum BEFORE it was made available to the general public. He tried it at some, uh-uh-uh, I don’t know, a “trade show” or something like it. He then made some adjustments to his C7000 line just a year before he churned out millions of them and began to swamp your minds with his 30 second long indoctrination videos during “The Price is Right.” Oh, by the way, Hoover’s have a bit of a problem when it comes to cleaning wet stuff like, say, spaghetti. Gee, why did I just mention that? Hm…

Lenora Ellegood, Earl Strausz, Lloyd Fornaro; all major players in the vacuum cleaner game, all have spoken ill of not only me and my exposing of their treachery and deceit, but they have spoken Ill of you…and of your decision to purchase… a Patriot Power Suck vacuum.

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Look at the number of sales in the lower left corner of your screens, America. You see that? That number? You see what it’s doing?

It’s rising.

In just the few minutes that I have been talking to you, you have purchased well over 377 Patriot Power Suck vacuum cleaners for the ultra low price of $285.95 by calling the number at the bottom of your screen. And it’s still rising! It’s going up. Because of you. You’re doing it, America! It’s not me. It’s—it’s not my ability to sell you a Patriot Power Suck vacuum that’s making that number grow.

It’s all of you.

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO BUY A PATRIOT POWER SUCK VACUUM, AMERICA! YOU’VE ALWAYS HAD IT! But the people on both sides of the aisle – the upright vacuum cleaner people and the handheld vacuum cleaner people – have been trying to prevent you, the loyal QVC watcher, from buying the Patriot Power Suck vacuum that you deserve. The one that you were promised by the founders of QVC so many years ago!

These people, these names that I just called out…I’m—I’m not saying… they’re evil. I’m not saying…you should attack them. And I’m not even suggesting that you stop buying their products. I’m simply asking questions. Simple questions that deserve simple answers.

But of all the names that I just said, some of you may have noticed one that I left out. The one that belongs to the man that has, for many years, been an avowed anti-Patriot Power Suck vacuumer. Of course, I am talking about Mr. James Dyson, the fancy pantsed Englishmen you see in all of those Dyson Vacuum commercials.

James Dyson claims he is the inventor of the cyclonic filtration and separation technology that makes his vacuums so hip and cool and trendy with the young media zombies out there. But I’ll tell you what, America. James Dyson is the inventor of nothing! He likes to think of himself as a modern day Hubert Cecil Booth when in reality he is just a devious salesman who tells people that his vacuums have 100% suction 100% of the time…BUT ONLY IF YOU CLEAN THE FILTERS AFTER EVERY SINGLE USE!!

James Dyson is a man that loves taking spare part manufacturers to court if they produce better and cheaper replacement spare parts. All in all James Dyson is a very nasty little man…and his vacuums are shoddy crap.

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Do you see what I have in front of me? Jimmy, Jimmy can we get a shot of these cups? America, these are the cups of tyranny. Each cup of tyranny is filled with a particularly tough item to clean.

In tyranny cup number one we have the dirt that a Dirt Devil could not clean up.

In tyranny cup number two we have the Fruit Loops a Eureka could not clean up.

In tyranny cup number three we have the glass that a GE vac could not clean up.

And in tyranny glass number four we have the spaghetti with red sauce that a Hoover could not clean up.

Glenn spills the contents of each cup on to the floor, creating a huge mess. He turns back to his chalkboard.

These are the names, America. And behind me are the faces. The faces of the suction powered secret cabal of tyranny that wants you to not spend $285.95 on a Patriot Power Suck Vacuum.

Glenn grabs the Patriot Power Suck Vacuum.

You know, America. This…uh…this reminds me of a quote that…

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…a quote…I’m sorry, I’m crying…I just love to power suck. Anyway, as I was saying, this all reminds me of a quote. It is, perhaps, the most important quote in American history. I know it is for me. It’s from Thomas Jefferson.

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

I believe when he said “Patriots” he was talking about Patriot Power Suck Vacuums. When he said tyrants, he was talking about all of the names on my chalkboard.

So, now, America…I leave you to decide. Do you want to go with those corrupt other guys, or do you want to go with Patriot Power Suck for the ultra low price of $285.95?

Glenn smiles. He turns on the Patriot Power Suck Vacuum with a touch of swagger and runs it through the mess he created. The Patriot Power Suck smears everything around in to a much larger, wider spread mess.