Weezer’s Raditude: Judging an Album By Its Cover

They say you should never judge a book by its cover.  Because we respect our elders, we take that antiquated idea to heart.  But notice, it mentions nothing about music.  Therefore, we reserve the right to judge any and every album in the history of recorded music based solely on the images that inhabit that album’s cover.  Today, we pass judgment on Raditude by Weezer.

Adam: I haven’t heard the actual album, but if I’m basing my opinion solely on the cover art, which I am, then this is the best album of the year.  Possibly the best album ever.

Fortey: The most noticeable thing about this album is how it makes any other album cover look like shit deep fried in more shit.  It’s a dog.  And it’s in a living room.  And it’s flying.  It’s fucking flying!

Luis: The only thing that could have made this cover more spectacular is if the dog had an erection. Can you guys imagine how much more totally rad symbolism there would have been if the dog were sporting wood? What’s going on behind the camera that would make a dog get a boner, and then make the dog leap knowing full well that he may damage his erection in the process? In terms of the music, the message would be simple, “This shit gets dog’s dicks hard!!!!!”

Adam: That’s a great message.  Allegedly, this picture isn’t even Photoshopped.  They say Rivers Cuomo saw the picture in an issue of National Geographic and immediately went about licensing it for the album cover.  I believe this to be true, because if it really was Photoshopped, that dog would so be wearing a cape.  Or at least a Weezer Snuggie or something.

Luis: I like to think that the dog leaping off the couch is more of a metaphorical dog leaping off of a couch, and less of a dog literally leaping off of a couch, which it clearly is. I like to think of the dog as the physical manifestation of the music buried behind this face-melting cover of awesome. I like to think that the dog is the collective sum of all of the tracks, and he is leaping forth in an attempt to tear you apart with its claws of razor-sharp rocking and it will gnaw at your jugular with alternative-pop-rock teeth.  And, contrary to all the times I just said “I like to think,” I really don’t.

Fortey: Remember those old Looney Tunes cartoons, with that frog in the little suit and top hat that would sing for whoever found it, but whenever anyone else was around it wouldn’t make a sound, and whoever found the frog was at first blown away, and then convinced that they’d be rich, and then finally they were driven nearly to the brink of insanity because the frog would never sing in front of anyone?  That frog can go fuck itself because this dog is awesome.

Adam: Imagine what kind of conversation piece this fucking dog would be.  You’re having an intimate gathering of friends and prostitutes at your place, next thing you know, the dog just starts zipping around the room on an invisible cloud of action and excellence.  Your friends would be all “man, what a kick ass dog!” and the whores would be like “are you going to pay us?” and you’d be all “Yes, friends, it is a kick ass dog” and “You’re looking at a flying dog, Bitch!  This IS your payment!”  And everybody would agree on all counts.  Then you open the door and Super Dog descends into the night air simultaneously spewing piss on your asshole neighbor’s car and devouring tree bound squirrels in a single bite.  It could probably make a beer run too.  Who’s a good boy?  I don’t know.  But I know who’s a fucking awesome boy.  This dog is.  Do you think there is even music on this album?  Or is Weezer just charging $15 for the cover art?  Either way, it’s a great deal.

Luis: I have no idea what the songs on the album sound like, but you can’t have a flying dog on the cover without at least 4 songs about how much you dominate in the sack. It’s impossible. Also, there has to be at least 2 songs about getting punched in the face by a dragon. Then, there has to be a secret track that’s a sequel to the first two tracks about getting punched in the face by a dragon that’s all about hunting down that dragon, slaying it with a wicked guitar solo, then using the dead dragon’s neck and head as a guitar – a guitar that Rivers Cuomo never even uses because it’s too big and cumbersome.

Adam: The dog could play that goddamned guitar.

Fortey: The very possibility that this is just what dogs can do, and the reaction in humans is exponentially more awesome almost makes me want to break my vow to never actually set foot in a record store again and pay for music, as opposed to stealing it from the internet as is the right and natural thing to do.  Like what if my dog and I listen to this album and my dog starts to fly, but I suddenly gain the ability to grow hot, naked ladies just from a handful of magic beans.  And the reason they’re magic is just because I was in the room with them?  And then I fly my dog outside on its leash with an army of hot, naked ladies behind me and people see me and just think “raditude” and that’s it?  God that sounds awesome.

Equally awesome is the fact that this living room looks like it came from 1979.  Is this dog still flying?  Imagine what it’s learned in the last 30 years.  Dogs don’t even live that long, except now, having heard this album.  This is an old ass flying dog and I bet it can turn invisible now, too.  Or maybe it can also summon hot, naked ladies.  Chicks like dogs that just walk around and shit on the lawn, I can’t even imagine what a flying dog would do to a girl.  She’d probably pay me for sex or something.  Shit, my dog needs to learn how to fly asap.

Luis: Actually, the more I look at it, the more I think that the dog isn’t even leaping in the air. I think there’s a huge speaker in front of him and another huge speaker behind him, each playing a track off of Raditude and the dog is being suspended in mid-air by the album’s sweet-ass alternative nerd rock anthems. When the music dies, the dog flops to the ground and is left with nothing but remorse. Even the dog will know that he will never again experience the exhilaration of being suspended in mid-air by dangerously high magnitudes of alt-rock.

Adam: I’m not so sure about that.  Did you hear that last Weezer album?  Ass.  Total ass.  But now that they have a flying dog in the band, Weezer is undoubtedly back on track.  I don’t have to hear the songs.  I don’t even want to.  I just want to think about all of the great times I could have with a flying dog that plays a dragon carcass guitar and attracts hot skanks.  Man, this is Weezer’s finest moment since Pinkerton.  If Pinkerton had a flying dog on the cover, every musician ever would have stopped making music out of respect for the unbridled greatness that had been laid out before them.  Instead, it had some fruity landscape of some sort on the cover and Rivers Cuomo wigged out and went back to college.  So many catastrophes in life could be prevented if there had just been a flying goddamn dog around.

Fortey: I think it’s the exact opposite.  I can only conclude that during his time at Harvard, Rivers Cuomo developed the ability to impart super powers unto animals.  They call this ability Raditude, which is probably the best name for any ability a person can have.  Like if someone asked you to list your three best skills, you could say “I’m a really hard worker, I’m very organized and I have exceptional raditude.  I’ll make your dog fly around the living room like you wouldn’t even believe.”

Luis: I’d hire that person on the spot.