Hitting a woman is never right, unless maybe she murdered someone close to you. Murder isn’t very ladylike, so if that’s the case, rock that bitch in the teeth with some high velocity clenched fist fury. But in any other case, it’s just wrong. Hitting a woman makes you less than a man. If manliness were measured in Dungeons and Dragons Health Points, hitting a woman would give you a negative 10 to your HP and would permanently damage your charisma, intelligence, and wisdom ability scores and I just lost everyone with that goddamn nerd reference.  Goodbye readers who were turned off by my D&D comparisons! Goodbye all sex I was hoping to have this decade!  Goodbye!

So, we’ve established that as a man, hitting a woman is just plain wrong. We’ve also established that there are exceptions to this rule, e.g., if she’s a murderer. Here’s another exception: if the manner in which you chose to hit a woman is silly as shit and seems like something you’d expect to see in a Monty Python sketch.

For instance, a man from Dallas beat a 57-year old woman with a frozen armadillo carcass in an apartment complex parking lot.

I’m going to pause for a moment as you let the tidal wave of abstract absurdity of that sentence wash over you and fill your brain’s lungs with silly-ass water.

Has it soaked in yet? Has your brain drowned in the floods of stupidity yet? Surely they must have. Why? Because a man beat a woman with a frozen armadillo in a parking lot. Moreover, the woman he beat with a frozen armadillo was trying to buy the frozen armadillo so she could eat it. After getting in to a heated argument over the price of a frozen armadillo that she was buying in a parking lot, the man beat her senseless with the frozen armadillo. Sadly, the article I’m getting this information from is small and it does not mention how much the man was trying to sell the frozen armadillo for.  We have no way of knowing whether or not the man’s asking price for a frozen armadillo was too much. But, then again, there really isn’t anything to compare it to. Did the woman get mad because she had a very different perceived value for the going rate of a frozen armadillo from a parking lot? She has to have her own perceived value for a frozen armadillo because while I have never been to Dallas, I can venture to guess that there aren’t very many grocery stores that keep their meat sections stocked with choice cuts of armadillo. I know it’s the south, so I could be very wrong on that count, but I’ll at least give Texas the benefit of the doubt.

So, was her perceived value of a frozen, parking lot-purchased armadillo informed by her past experiences in buying frozen armadillos in parking lots? Is that why she got mad? Was the asking price of some money, any amount of money, significantly higher than the asking price she’s used to, which would probably be somewhere in the neighborhood of Ew, get it away from me and Gross, just take it, you weird-o? Did she think he was some kind of frozen armadillo price gouger? Seeing as we have no details to flesh out this story, I’m going to assume this woman was offended that the man didn’t just give her the frozen armadillo, and he was deeply, deeply hurt by her insistence on simply being handed a frozen armadillo for free, without monetary exchange. He probably thought this woman, who clearly regularly eats armadillos, has lived a life of privilege and was handed everything she has, like cars, college tuition, financial security, and especially frozen armadillos. He probably viewed her as some kind of stuck-up bitch that thinks she can just walk around, everyone bowing to her feet, worshiping the very ground she walks on, and just giving her free frozen armadillos in apartment complex parking lots. He probably thought this woman was a part of that oh, so terrible top 1% of financial earners that have golden toilets and mega-yachts and 3rd houses in The Hamptons and dine on the sweet, succulent flesh of previously frozen armadillos that have been purchased in the parking lots within the greater Dallas area while everyone else, the 99%, are forced to dine on those shitty, stringy, store-bought armadillos.

So, when you over-think the shit out of this news story as I have, we find that this is simply a case of class warfare.