We live in an increasingly isolated world thanks to our friend the computer.  People would rather go online and play mahjong than actually leave the house, but out genetic code demands we pair bond, thus making life something of a quandary.  For most of us, anyway.  Asexuals and loners are happy to either read Dr. Phil books or masturbate gloomily with the lights down low, and that’s OK.  But the rest of us want love.  Only, how do you get it if you can’t be bothered to put pants on and go outside?

World of Warcraft

As it happens, a number of happy couples around the globe met and fell in love on Azeroth, Warcraft’s world of mirth and mayhem.  This proves it can happen, but can it happen for you?  Of course.  Unless it doesn’t.  But it could!

First things first, you need a Warcraft account.  Buy the game, pay the $15 subscription and then spend the next several hours downloading patches.  Warcraft boasts 11 million subscribers worldwide, so there’s a fine chance if you present yourself as a bold and formidable Night Elf Druid, some lucky lady, man or man pretending to be a lady (depending on your preferences) will be taken with you, right?

Don’t create an account for the purpose of finding new love.  If you create an undead warlock and name yourself MeatPistol or something like that, you’re going to put people off.  Ladies don’t want meat pistols, it’s a fact.  A fact proven in the late 90’s by the band Meat Pistol.  We didn’t get a single groupie.

What you want to do is roll something witty yet non-confrontational.  Try a gnome, they’re like midgets but they can do stuff.  Call yourself GnomeSweetGnome or GnomeansNo.  That shit’s hilarious.  Don’t be a gnome rogue though, no one likes them.

Now that you have your character set up, it’s time to venture forth into the world.  You could take the time to play the game and kill troggs, but troggs rarely if ever put out, so instead, try your hand at socialization.  Get yourself to a capital city like Stormwind or Ogrimmar* where all the action is.

*Be wary of any and all horde characters as, aside from those sexy Blood Elves, all Horde characters look like prolapsed rectum.  Can you trust a person who willingly represents themselves as a female troll?  In real life she could look like a female troll.  Or some kind of CHUD.  CHUDs are the worst.

You’ll notice the chat channels abuzz with conversation best described as “stupid.”  Get used to it, this is Warcraft.  Stick to business and try to find yourself a guild, because a guild is where you’re going to meet your paramour.  All guilds have an even split of males and females, and by that I mean I just used that sentence to pad out an article, it’s by no means even.  However, real girls do play Warcraft.  How do you know?  Get in a guild, go on a raid and use vent.

Vent is a handy program that lets you talk whilst playing computer games.  In this way, men masquerading as stout, busty Dwarf ladies are outed as being dudes while real ladies are betrayed by their flowery ululations.

Of course you can’t raid until you’re at least level 60, but shh.  Don’t spoil the dream.

In anticipation of your raid, during which you can wait for moments to say things like “Lich King?  More like Bitch King, eh everyone?” and hope your wit charms the sweats right off of her, you need to establish yourself in regular, shitty chat as a go to kind of guy.  Do you have spare linen cloth?  Put that shit in the guild bank, makes you look like you’re sensitive and giving.  Everyone who plays Warcraft wants linen cloth, it’s like sweet, nourishing cocaine.  Be the pusher man, Gnomie.  Be him.

Offer assistance to those in need, that makes you seem congenial.  But also, you should be superior.  Be superiorly congenial.  If you’re level 30 and someone needs a run through the Dead Mines, say something like “I’m over here killing Ragnaros by myself, but it’s cool, man. I’ll run you through the Dead Mines.  No need to pay me.  Your success and personal growth is thanks enough.”

Trounce those who need a trouncing, it shows you’re no pushover.  Is someone talking trash about your guildemate?  Challenge them to a duel, nothing is more sacred in all of Warcraft.  It is the most respected of rituals.  Even if you lose, it shows you’re willing to put your tiny, fragile body on the line for family.  By the end of the duel, you will literally be awash in vagina.  Or scrotum.  Whatever.  Literally.

Dating Sites

Bit of a no brainer, right?  Well, no brains is how we roll up in here.  Dating sites exist so that you can shop for a soul mate in much the way you would shop for vintage pants.  Man, vintage pants are nice.  Don’t need pants?  A pumpkin shopping analogy works, too.  Everyone loves pumpkin.

The thrill of dating sites is also the challenge, how do you choose one?  There are literally tens of them.  Literally.

If you’re cheap, you can go for something like Plenty of Fish, a free dating site, but they don’t allow boobie shots and really, if you can’t see someone’s boobs before speaking to them, how can you ever hope to be soul mates?

Sites like AdultFriendFinder are up to their boobs in boobies, but they also want your sweet, sweet cash.  Will you be a standard member and basically have no ability to communicate with anyone or read their profile?  By standard they pretty much mean “you and every dude who’s never even been to this goddamn site” because, like them, you ain’t seeing shit.  But you could pay for a silver membership, and that’ll let you send and receive messages, and view profiles.  Or, if you want to be a big shot, pay for Gold.  What does gold offer?  The ability to search for a mate by cup size.  Jackpot.

Ashley Madison is a site that exists for cheaters, so you can set your expectations pretty low over here in terms of how much commitment they’re expecting.  Does the idea of shagging a lady who is, by her existence on the site, dishonest, appeal to you?  The potential thrill of having a husband catch you and either try to kill you or join you not put you off?  You just found a winner.

I stole almost the entire rest of this entry from Adam Brown and an article he wrote on Cracked.  Ha!

If you’re a niche lover, which is to say you have specific interests as opposed to just sticking your wang into small spaces, the internet will never let you down.  Do you only want to bone felons?  Obviously the answer is yes, so Women Behind Bars is probably the website for you.  Because you can meet women behind bars there and conjugal some special lady’s brains out should the opportunity ever arise.

Assuming you’re mentally ill, you could direct your browser to No Longer Lonely once the medication either wears off or kicks in enough to allow you to master the mouse and keyboard, and meet other like-minded crazies.  Honestly, haven’t you always secretly thought it would be fun to watch two bi-polar people fuck to see if they both start crying at the same time?  Yes.

Suppose you’ve dipped your wick in muddied waters in the past, and by muddied waters we mean the disease-ridden raunch hole of a hooker and you ended up with some dreadful crotch pox.  It happens to everyone eventually.  Unfortunately, those cleanies are generally opposed to debuacherizing with the infected, so your chances at love may be slim if the first question she asks is “hey, do you have genital warts?” and you’re feeling like starting out with some honesty.

Lucky for you, STDMatch is waiting to hook you up with some other patient zero in need of companionship.  In fact, just read Adam’s article, he made the jokes first.  I’ll go back to original shit for a second.

Finally, if you’re truly desperate and more insane than No Longer Lonely is able to deal with, you can try eHarmony.com.  Do you know what in the world is worse than eHarmony.com?  Lots of shit – famine, child abuse, STDMatch.com, but stop being a downer.  The point is eHarmony is ludicrous and awful and between now and the time you’re done reading this article they will have run no less than 50 commercials each featuring some goblin-like couples and assorted other people who genuinely seem like complete douchebags.  But at least they were scientifically matched to other douchebags.  Because that’s fun.

Online Communities

This is pretty much the broadest range title for an entry, as even the previous entries qualify as online communities.  But mostly we’re talking about things like Spinchat, Chat Roulette or any other site that allows you to directly connect with total strangers, most of whom are going to prank you or frighten you with their sad desperation.  Remember, if that never happens to you, you may be the sad and desperate one, so keep your eyes and ears open and never try to explain to a stranger why you haven’t had sex in 10 years or you collect cups from Burger King.  Yes, they’re awesome but now is not the time.

So say you roll up on chat roulette and you’re confronted with someone on webcam who’s maybe slaughtering a chicken.  Are you into that?  THAT’S WHY CHAT ROULETTE IS AWESOME!

If you’ve been thinking “man, I want to fap to someone preparing chicken” for all these years and every time you Google “chicken fap” you get a notice from the government that you’re now on a watch list, ChatRoulette is a godsend.  A full 90% of the people on the site are actually just there for a joke, but man, that other 10% is wild.

The downside to ChatRoulette is that you may not be into chicken fapping.  Or teenagers who want to say things like “lulz, yer a homo!”  Most of us get enough of that from our parents and/or employers.  So you may need to take a slightly more refined approach on a different website.

You have limited time to engage people on sites like this and you need to weed out the pranksters right away, lest you waste precious soulmate-finding time on duds.  Man, internet duds are the worst.  Like, except for CHUDs, I mean.  They’re the worst.  But duds are bad also.

Knowing you may literally only have minutes to capture the attention of the love of your life, and s/he may only have a tenuous grasp on English, you need to come prepared.  Have a statement already prepared that you can simply copy and paste into the chat window, something that you’ve concentrated down to three or four sentences of pure, unadulterated you.  Like this:

My name is Gary.  I have sensitive bowels, I live in a basement apartment and I will worship you for all time.  I make a decent living selling cans and if we totally hook up, my can money becomes our can money.  I love 80’s rock, pasta and keepin’ it real.

Our intern Gary uses that one and that guy has to call in sick with penis trauma all the time thanks to his humptastic voyages.  If he can do it, you can do it too.