Viewer’s Guide: Dog Breeds At The Westminster Dog Show

Time.com, the number one source for all things clock-related, has posted a slideshow that guides readers through a bit of Zoology lesson as it succinctly details the histories of some new dog breed classifications viewers can expect to see at tonight’s Westminster Dog Show. But while the slideshow serves its purpose dutifully, I feel a little more information on the breeds is in order. Besides, you have to be fully prepared for tonight’s show or you’ll be left in the dark! Can you imagine an owner walking their Boston terrier on to the stage and your buddy, Chuck, who’s 7 beers in and sporting his “I Heart Beagles” shirt, calls it an American Staffordshire terrier? LOL! HaAhA! He’d look like such a fuck!

So here is my (better) guide to some of the new breed classes you’re going to see tonight:

Pyrenean Shepherd

Time.com says of the Pyrenean Shepherd, “Despite its smaller size, the Pyrenean Shepherd is prized for its agility and loyalty.” What they forgot to mention is that Pyrenean’s are also known for their bloodlust, as well as their thirst for chaos.

Norwegian Buhund

Time.com says, “Norwegian buhund was bred as a farm dog by Vikings as far back as the 10th century.” They were also re-bred and re-engineered to herd humans in to sex slavery camps in the early 20^th century and, more recently, to hunt Albinos whose hearts sell for a quite a bit on the black market that is the Antiques Road show.

Irish Setter (red and white)

Time.com says, “It nearly went extinct in the early 20th century, as breeders preferred its solid-colored cousin, but has made a comeback since the 1970s.” What they don’t bring up is that all attempts at eradication have failed. And that the red and white Irish Setters may have escaped this time, but soon…soon…we will have our revenge…

Dogue de Bordeaux

Time.com says, “…are best known to American audiences through the movie Turner & Hooch, in which a Dogue de Bordeaux plays Tom Hanks’ drooling canine companion.” A quick search on IMDB of the Bordeaux from Turner and Hooch tells me that Beasley, the dog that played Hooch, went on to star in a few commercials in Denmark as the spokesdog for a laundry detergent, and then went back to the richly written world of Turner and Hooch – playing the Tom Hanks role of Turner in the off-Broadway revival Turner and Hooch: The Musical!. He took his own life in 1992.

Plott Hound

Time.com says, “These hounds, with their distinctive brindle coloring, are the official state dog of North Carolina.” And what’s North Carolina’s official state cat? Answer: Pussy.

North Carolina is a…special place.